4-step plan to prevent a marriage breakdown at Christmas

Managing expectations at Christmas

Christmas can put an extra and unnecessary strain on your marriage as it can be oh-so stressful.

And this year, you probably also have to cope with the pandemic one way or another. Covid lockdowns, quarantines, closures and financial hardship are, of course, super-stressful.

Chances are you’re working hard to get everything just right (as far it’s within your means and situation):

• the decorations
• the presents
• the food
• the atmosphere
• the mood
• the arrangements around festive events
• the greeting cards and messages
• being a ‘good’ spouse, partner, child, sibling, parent, friend or colleague
• being a ‘good’ guest
• ensuring that your children are on their best behaviour
• etc.

Whatever all of that means. And still, you might have been asking yourself why you’re feeling stressed!

So, with this article, I’m hoping to help prevent your becoming one of the thousands of people knocking on the door of a relationship therapist once the holiday season is over.

Peace and joy… or trouble ahead?

All the expectations around Christmas can lead to disappointment – for you, your spouse and everyone else.

Worse, if your marriage is already on the rocks, the festive season has the potential to become the straw that breaks the camel’s back.

So, if you know your marriage is in trouble, be sure to also read How to save a marriage on the brink of divorce and How to fix these 18 common marriage problems.

For you, it’s even more important to read on and discover how best survive Christmas as a couple.

11 of the most common Christmas-time relationship stresses

The following are likely to have an added layer of complexity due to the pandemic.

1. The pressure of time in terms of all the earlier-mentioned expectations
2. Coping with the extra expenses, when you may well be arguing more about money.
3. Dealing with Christmas parties – their cost in terms of money, time and trust if one of you has paid more attention to someone else.
4. Staying with extended family or friends
5. Having extended family or friends staying with you. However enjoyable that may be, it does mean extra pressure for all sorts of reasons
6. Spending time with children who may not be your own. See also my articles: How to stop adult children ruining your new relationship and My partner’s children don’t want to meet me.
7. Spending time with children who may not behave in the way you’d want them to
8. Deciding with which parent the children should spend their days (if you and your partner are separated or divorced) See also my article on kids in the middle.
9. Your children not being with you on the days you’d have wanted, if you’re divorced or separated
10. The influence of alcohol – on your partner, on you, on your guests. See also What to do when you’re living with an alcoholic
11. The physical and mental effects of the foods you eat during this time (yes… food affects your mental well-being too!).

All that might come on top of any ‘normal’ relationship issues, health problems, losses and other strains.

So, particularly during the festive season, it’s important you pay extra attention to your relationship with each other. Divvy up the chores, be generous with your time, be forgiving and extra loving.

How to insulate your marriage at Christmas

The first thing you can do to ensure you’re not just repeating what you did last year. Instead, review your Christmas arrangements.

If the previous Christmas was disappointing, remind yourself frequently that if you’re going to do the same as you’ve always done – you’re going to get the same results.

Here’s my 4-step plan to help you and your spouse to make the necessary changes…

4-step plan to help your relationship or marriage survive Christmas

Step 1

Arrange for some quality time together to start your Christmas preparations. Switch off the TV, put all phones on silent, light some candles, cook something easy or have a take-away and listen to your favourite music.

Step 2

Indulge in a bit of daydreaming about your ideal Christmas (oh, such luxury if you’re not affected by the pandemic!).

• Brainstorm what you’d really like instead of what you think is expected of you in terms of location, guests, timings, presents and foods
• Make a list of all the things you really must do.
• Then combine the two.

Include a list of who you both might want to visit and who might need help during the festive season. Giving generously of your time and energy can be more rewarding than any gift.

You might, for example, consider telling your family and/or friends that you’d much prefer to spend some special time with them during a weekend in the dark month of January. That way you’ll have something to look forward to after the holiday season’s over.

Step 3

Divvy up the tasks and make lists for both or all of you (if you have children) to make clear who’s responsible for what.

Step 4

• Commit to, come-what-may, being grateful for whatever works out well during the festive season and particularly on Christmas and Boxing day.
• If anyone isn’t playing their part in the way you’d hoped they would, whatever you do – don’t go on about it! It’s not worth a row at that time. There’ll be plenty of time to express your disappointment at a later date. (Read How to argue fairly before you do!)
• Plan for the two of you to spend some short bursts of quality time together. Consider having an early night, a stroll to the park, a midnight feast, an early morning start, or any other way to escape children, family and/or friends (however much you love them!).

Watch this video (opens in a new tab) for some excellent tips from the Greater Good’s Christine Carter, PhD:

Last but not least, more than anything else, surprise each other with truly meaningful love quotes and thank you messages. I promise you, they’ll have a much bigger impact than any present you could buy. Best of all, they’re fee. :-)

For further advice on how to insulate your relationship or marriage, hop over to my articles How to be a better spouse and 24 healthy relationship tips.

How to avoid Christmas becoming the cause of a relationship breakdown

Here are my top tips for keeping things in perspective:

5 relationship survival tips for Christmas

1. Avoid drinking too much alcohol. You may have little control over the alcohol-intake of others, but you can decide to stay present and drink no alcohol or just an occasional glass of something.
2. Don’t panic about last minute stuff not being done or not being quite right. Forget about running back to the shops, standing in endless queues and spending more than you had intended. Instead, be creative with what you have.
3. You’re not responsible for anyone else’s happiness. You can bend over backwards and still not get it right for some people.

Finally

When you filter out the wants from the needs, you’ll realise that meaning at Christmas comes from lovingly connecting with your partner or spouse, friends and family.

Years down the line you’ll remember that sense of community, the fun, friendship and laughter. You’re unlikely to remember what you ate and what presents you got that day.

You’ll have a great Christmas if you can enjoy it 80% of the time and not let the 20% that wasn’t so great spoil the rest.

I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you that the pandemic doesn’t stop you from having a wonderful time this Christmas, even if it’s not how you had imagined it would be!