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How to get your ex back, save your relationship or marriage and not lose yourself

Category: Better Relationships | Author and Publisher: Elly Prior | First published: 20-01-2012  | Modified: 15-04-2018

Thinking about how to get your ex back can be exhausting. Where do you start? How can you do it? Will they listen? What actually are the chances of getting them back? Should you even try to change her mind or his mind?

On top of all those questions, you’ll also be dealing with the negative emotions created by the break-up itself. No doubt you miss him/her like crazy. You’re probably having trouble sleeping and concentrating. And I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re finding it hard to think about anything other than your ex: remembering the good times, wondering what they’re doing now, and mourning what you’ve lost.

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How to work towards a reconciliation without pleading and losing your dignityYour ex may, or may not, be the right one for you. You may or may not be able to get back together. I know you feel lost now, but you owe it to yourself to take the time to reflect.

So, what can you do to increase your self confidence and feel better about yourself?

Well, first of all, take a deep breath! Try to calm the whirling thoughts in your mind. When you’re wound up and over-emotional, it’s impossible to think straight. Let alone make a clear plan of action!

If the break-up has only just happened, take a couple of days to let it sink in. And avoid texting your ex or making endless phone calls to question, beg or plead. 

If your partner left out of the blue, you’ll probably be feeling pretty shocked right now. Even if you’d seen the end coming, you’ll still be experiencing all kinds of unwanted emotions. You might be angry, sad, bereft, broken-hearted, confused, scared - the list could go on. And I imagine your self confidence has taken a nosedive to boot.

Safe to say, you’re having a pretty hard time at the moment! So, to stand the best chance of winning your ex back, the very best thing you can do is take a little time and space to get your own head straight.

A healthy relationship needs two emotionally healthy partners. It’s totally understandable if you’re feeling needy and desperate post-breakup. But trust me when I say that’s not a good place for you to be if you’re trying to repair your partnership!

The good news is that there are lots of easily accessible ways to help you feel better about yourself. When you’re feeling stronger, you’ll be able to make more rational, healthy decisions and choices. And then if you do get back together with your ex, it won’t be because he/she was simply worn down by all your begging and pleading! 

Becoming the best version of yourself

By this, I absolutely do not mean that you have to change yourself in ways that you think would ‘make’ your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend immediately want to be with you again. If you think your best chance of getting your ex partner or spouse back is to earn more money, lose weight, change your hair (etc. etc. etc.) then pull yourself up on those thoughts right now! (That’s probably the most unhelpful way to approach this situation!)

Instead, what I mean by improving yourself here is making positive changes that make you feel better about yourself, regardless of anyone else. And when you feel better, you’ll be able to determine if your desire to get your ex back comes from a healthy place of love or a needy place of fear.

Focusing on yourself in positive ways for a short while is a great use of your energy, and here are my top three ways to do it:

  • Self-hypnosis: a really convenient, affordable and effective way to rebuild your self-esteem, improve your sleep and learn how to make the most of your innate resources (to name but a few benefits!). For further information, see my article: Hypnosis Downloads FAQ.
  • Get support: talk to trusted friends and family members to strengthen your feeling of being connected to other people. Or talk to a counsellor or therapist for professional guidance and support. (This is so easy to do now too - and you can get started right away. See my article on online counselling.) 
  • Guided self-help: explore my site (and others like mine, if you want!) to learn how to cope with and overcome all kinds of difficult emotional issues. Here's a list of all my articles.

Before we go any further

Don’t skip this bit - it’s important! Ask yourself - honestly - why you want to get your ex back.

Is it because he/she is the love of your life, and you absolutely can’t contemplate your future without them?

Or is it because you’re afraid of being alone?

And would you put up with all the things that, deep down, you knew weren’t right with your relationship, just to avoid being alone?

Or could you both work on the issues, and create a stronger, stabler relationship as you move forward?

I’m afraid I can’t answer any of these questions for you (sorry!). But I can help you to answer them for yourself, and to make the best decision possible for you and your future. If you’re unsure about your reasons for wanting to win your ex back, or if this really was the right relationship for you, my relationship test can help. It won’t tell you what to do! But it will guide you to a place from which you can figure out what your next move should be.

3 Things to do to become the best version of yourself, IF you want your ex back

Getting your ex back without begging and pleading

If you’re sure there’s still hope for rekindling your relationship with your ex, then I recommend you read my article on how to make your partner love you again. It’s actually a four-part series which contains my ultimate guide to creating the best possible chance of a reconciliation - in a healthy way. (Getting your ex back is a big topic, so there’s not space for all of my advice here in this one page!)

And just in case you came to this article from another page on my site which mentioned a resource I’ve reviewed - I don’t stand by that recommendation anymore. Hey, things change! And it’s important to me that I stay up to date with the advice I give. And, of course, if I find a new resource to help you win your ex back, you’ll be the first to hear about it :-)


I can so understand that all-consuming desire to get your ex back. Break-ups are hard! And being alone (suddenly, or again) can feel really scary and unsettling. So the best piece of advice I can give you is to spend time figuring out what’s really right for you. Don’t make any rash decisions that you might later regret, or that might cause you to compromise your own values.

If you decide that going your separate ways is actually the right decision, I’ve got plenty of support to offer right here: How to get over someone you love.

Or, if you truly know that this person is really the one for you - and you’re really the one for them - then I wish you all the very best for the success of your reconciliation :-) 

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