How to make your wife love you again

How to win your wife back and get her to love you again

Searching for how to make your wife love you again probably means you’re at your wit’s end. I suspect you’re feeling let down, confused, and maybe frustrated and angry.

I’m hoping to help you transform your relationship with the aim of making your wife love you again.

I can certainly help to ensure you have the best possible chance of success, but no doubt you’ll realise there’s no guarantee we’ll be successful.

I can guarantee you’ll have to work hard since I’m not offering any magic tricks.

Before we start…

Next, we need to know how close your wife is to leaving you.

Is your marriage on the brink of divorce?

Has your wife told you she doesn’t love you any more or is your relationship dying a slow death?

You know where you stand if your wife has been so direct in telling you that she doesn’t love you anymore. You’ll have to work really hard to make your wife love you again to save your marriage.

Have you been aware all is not well for some time? The same counts if you’ve done nothing about winning her back.

It won’t help to beat yourself up about it, though. It’s easy for ‘life’ to get in the way of a loving relationship. There can be so many demands – your job, your business, the commute, family gatherings, marital problems and the kids (if you have any).

Whatever’s happened – be prepared to be dead-honest with yourself and act.

If you still love your wife, it’s well worth fighting for the survival of your marriage. As a couples counsellor, I know you can bring a marriage back from the brink of divorce and ‘make’ her fall in love with you again.

So, let’s get on with it.

How likely is it that you can make your wife love you again?

Naturally, you’re devasted – you want your wife to love again and respect, admire and cherish you.

The thing is, though – we can only make someone do anything under threat – seldom a good idea.

You haven’t, I hope, threatened to leave her and ‘take her to the cleaners’, meaning leaving her destitute, for example. Neither will you have held her to ransom over custody of the children.

The good news is that you’re obviously keen to learn how to make your wife love you again.

Let’s see then how you can become the best version of yourself and win your wife back.

Let’s first get the following out of the way…

Lack of physical intimacy?

If your wife no longer wants to make love to you, know that it doesn’t necessarily mean she doesn’t love you anymore!

I can’t tell you how many men I’ve seen as a couple counsellor convinced their wives didn’t love them anymore because they appeared to no longer be ‘interested’ in making love! Naturally, they felt rejected, but many (not all!) had worried unnecessarily.

In any case, you may also be interested in my article on what to do with a lack of intimacy in your relationship.

Your action plan for making your wife love you again

Step 1

If your physical relationship has petered out on account of your wife’s lacklustre approach to it, please visit my article on how to improve female libido. You’ll see that there are many reasons why a woman might have a low libido.

Step 2

Read my article on how to stop arguing. The reason is that you’ll need to have a difficult conversation with your wife, and I suspect your previous attempts at discussing the issue haven’t been particularly successful.

Step 3

Approach the subject with your wife, and rather than demand, be interested in the underlying reasons (which may include that, indeed, she doesn’t love you anymore) and listen, listen, listen – as learned in step 2!

Has your wife had- or is she still having an affair?

If your wife has been or is still unfaithful, that could be a sign that she doesn’t love you anymore. (Or have you perhaps been unfaithful?)

However, believe it or not, people can take to having an affair even when they’re relatively happy in their marriage.

Nevertheless, infidelity definitely means a crisis in your relationship. If you want to save your marriage, you’ll have to work extra hard at winning your wife back.

Your action plan to make your wife love you again

As well as reading the rest of this article, I’d like you to read all my infidelity articles, starting with Staying together after infidelity.

Let’s now look at why your wife appears to have stopped loving you.

6 potential reasons your wife doesn’t love you anymore

Why may your wife have fallen out of love with you?

Here are a few things detrimental to a relationship:

1. Have you been too absorbed in your work?
2. Have you spent more time with your friends, sporting interests, television, gaming, etc., than with your wife?
3. Have you invested in yourself?
4. Have you treated your wife as you would have wanted to be treated yourself?
5. Have you taken an interest in her, even if the things she’s interested in bore you to death?
6. Have you invested time and effort into learning all you can about how to build a healthy relationship?

I’ll help you with a specific plan of action for each ‘misdemeanour’.

1. Your wife feels rejected because she feels neglected

You were more concerned about your work, business and career than her

In my 24 years as a couples counsellor, it’s become clear to me that for many men their job and career come first and their relationship second. Yet for many women their relationship is at the top of their agenda (forgive me for generalising here!).

At the same time, many a husband felt their wife had little time for them as for her, the children always came first.

They came for counselling because they’d grown apart as they’d lost track of each other.

Whatever has happened in your relationship, it’s now up to you to first start paying your wife more attention. With a bit of luck and hard work, your wife will notice your consistent(!) effort and a genuine wish to make her love you again.

So here goes…

While you were concerned with your work, your wife changed. You might be thinking that, indeed she has changed but not for the better! Perhaps so, but stick with me for now. 

As human beings, we change a little every day. Every conversation we have, everything we read, experience, see and hear, changes us a little. We grow and develop (or not!).

Now you want to get your wife to love you again, it’s necessary for you to really get to know her again.

Here’s what to do…

Your action plan

Read my article on how to stop arguing, whether or not that’s the case. I’d like you to learn to listen and respond in a way that helps her to be ‘seen’ and valued.

Be sure to also read my post with meaningful love quotes and thank you’s.

I include a worksheet to make it easier to achieve just that. (see further down).

2. Your wife has been feeling hurt and rejected because you’ve spent more time on anything and everything than on her

Talk about why she may not feel valued!

Here’s how to change that…

Your action plan for the next few weeks

Step 1

At this stage, your wife most likely wants space. Therefore, you’re unlikely to achieve much by clearing your diary to spend time with her.

Instead, make time and simply be around to share the chores (if indeed you were lacking in that department) – at least do your bit without complaints and spontaneously take on others.

See also: How to 19 ways to make someone fall in love with you.

Step 2

Give it two to three weeks. Has it been received well? Build that up by going along with something she is doing – if she accepts that.

Don’t ‘sulk’ if her response isn’t what you’d hoped.

Step 3

Ask what your wife would like to do. Remember, no sulking or manipulating. Be patient! This is your only chance.

3. Have you invested in yourself?

Here’s what I mean by that.

Have you:

• Invested time and energy in developing yourself in any way – emotionally, physically, intellectually and spiritually?
• Taken care of your mental health?
• Taken care of your physical well-being?
• Attended appropriately to your personal hygiene?

Many women land on my site because they have googled: “my husband is boring “.  You wouldn’t want that to be your wife, I’m sure.

Neither would you want to be in a position to be so overweight that it’s getting off-putting to your wife (even though, of course, there’s more to you than your good looks!).

We’re all at risk of suffering mental and physical problems at some point in our life. And, of course, you’d hope that your wife would support you through that.

However, your wife can’t make you better – you need to take charge of healing yourself. That includes taking responsibility for any condition, such as an addiction, for example.

The point about personal hygiene, I’m sure, needs no further explanation. I’ve added it here only because I know that for some people, it can drop to the last item on their list when life becomes challenging.ir list.

Your plan of action

Look at all the things I’ve mentioned in this section and answer the following questions:

What have I not taken responsibility for?

What have I not taken care of?

On which items can I take action today?

Know that even if, unfortunately, you’re not successful in ‘making’ your wife love you again, you can be sure you’ve done all you can to become the best version of yourself.

I promise you that it will serve you well if you’re facing the end of your marriage. You’re much more likely to feel stronger in the face of such a difficult time.

4. Have you treated your wife well?

Have you been kind, considerate and honest in all your dealings with your wife? Have you been generous of spirit? Have you been understanding of her needs?

None of us is perfect!

Even though, as a couples counsellor, I’m supposed to be an expert on communication, believe me, I’ve also made mistakes. Not out of ill will, but often in the moment or simply not having enough insight into what I was doing.

Your plan of action

It’s time to be honest with yourself and consider all of the above and answer the following:

• Have you taken to being emotionally abusive at times?
• Have you been unfaithful?
• Have you made an effort to understand your wife’s needs?
• Have you been there and supported her when she needed you?
• Have you kept your promises?

I’ve included a worksheet to help you contemplate what you could have done better. It will help you decide what you can do now in an attempt to get your wife to love you again.

5. Have you taken an interest in your wife?

I understand if you can’t find yourself in what busies your wife. You don’t need to involve yourself in everything she does.

However, to (re)build a healthy relationship, your spouse needs to feel that you’re taking a real interest in them.

Your plan of action

Step 1

Read the following articles on communication, paying particular attention to how to listen and respond:

• How to stop arguing (to learn to listen better)
• How to improve communication in a love relationship

Step 2

Mull over what kind of questions you might like to ask. Here are some examples:

What keeps you busy today? What is worrying you? What are you looking forward too? How was your day? How are you feeling? What did you particularly enjoy today? What did you find challenging today? Tell me more.

Also, do you know who your wife’s friends are, how did she meet them and what still ties her to those friends?

What does she enjoy about her work? Who doesn’t she like working with and who encourages her at work?

What are the children up to today? (The children should, ideally, be both your concerns.

However, in practice, in many (note: I’m not saying “all”) families, much of the responsibility falls on the women, particularly, unfortunately, when any of the children are ill.)

Step 3

Drop in some of these questions here and there in your everyday dealings. Be sure not to turn it into an interview by keep asking more and more questions.

Stop doing what you’re doing and pay attention. Stay with what she is telling you.

Build a picture in your mind of what it’s like to be in her shoes. Remember the prompts you learned by reading the articles in Step 1.

6. Have you invested time and effort into learning all you can about how to build a healthy relationship?

Doing your best to discover what’s needed to build a healthy relationship is one of the most important points.

Just think for a moment about how you might invest time and effort in learning a new skill, sport, hobby, course, training, computer game or even a significant new purchase.

Yet, how easy it is to assume that ‘somehow’ you’d know how to build a healthy relationship. In practice, you may well have been making it up as you go along.

So, if indeed you could do better, now is the time to invest in learning relationship-building skills. There’s no way to know that your wife will love you forever after.

Your plan of action

Read my articles:

• How to be a better spouse
• Meaningful love and thank you quotes for your spouse

How long should you wait for your wife to love you again?

I’ve given you the information you need to help you get your wife to love you again. But, remember, if you continue to do what you’ve always done, the results will be the same.

In other words, it will take a monumental task to transform the situation. That includes, on your part, soul-searching, being honest with yourself, taking responsibility instead of blaming your spouse and sustained effort.

If you’re up to all that, you’d probably begin to see some small changes after two to three months.

It’s not easy to know how long you should wait for your wife to love you again. I can’t know how long you’ve been together if you have children, how long and to what extent you’ve neglected your relationship, etc.

But, I’ll assume you’ll work hard to become the best version of yourself. If so, you might want to give it at least six months before considering your next move.

Finally

I suspect you’re going through a really tough time right now. Doubtless, you’re scared about what the future may hold when you’re searching for how you can make your wife love you again.

I hope, therefore, you’ll be making good use of the action plans. You can start to become the best version of yourself and save your marriage by helping your wife fall back in love with you.

Remember to be patient – nothing significant will happen overnight, but be on the lookout for small changes.

I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you that you’re able to win your wife back.