And 6 ways that may make it difficult for people to like you
To be loved is an essential emotional need, which means a need essential to our overall well-being. Therefore, as a therapist, I totally get your wish to make someone love you. I can imagine the need is even more acute if you’ve not been very successful in that department. Or, perhaps you have someone in mind you’d like to ‘net’.
So, what are your chances of that?
As no doubt, you’ll know, if you want to know how to make someone fall in love with you, the first step is to ‘make’ someone like you first. If you’ve already managed to do that – great! The tips in this article, though, apply to both – ‘making’ someone like and love you. Know though, that you’re already lovable in your own way, just the way you are! We’re just going to build on your natural, inborn, resources
The good news is, that the other person is also looking out for people – and someone special – to love them too. It’s an essential need for them, just as it is for you.
The question is, though, will they value that love coming from you?
Let’s work, therefore, on giving you the best possible chance!
We’ll find ways for people, in general, to like you. And then, hopefully, amongst those people, you’ll find that special someone who will love you intimately too. Or, ‘make’ that one, much wanted, individual love you back.
From my perspective, though, I would really want you to love yourself most of all. Because, without you being able to love yourself, you’re at risk of becoming somewhat needy.
Can you really make someone fall in love with you?
I’ll be pretty direct now – no, you cannot make someone like or love you. The question needs to be rephrased to: “How can I become someone people can’t help but like and perhaps love?”
Here’s how it works…
You, just like everyone else, were born to be as unique as any star in the night sky – completely lovable. All you’ll need to do is to be determined to become the best version of yourself.
There’s more good news – you were born too with all the resources you need to become just that! And, I don’t want you ever to have to ask again ”how to make someone fall in love you”.
In this article, you’ll discover:
- what the ‘best version of yourself’ might look, sound and feel like
- 19 tips to become even more lovable
- 6 ways that prevent someone from falling for you
- 4 ways to show people you’re interested in them
- 3 steps to becoming the best version of yourself
Once (re)discovered, you’re more likely to be ‘the one’ for another star, someone who will want and love you for who you are.
Most importantly, if you ever had a tough time loving yourself, you’re going to feel sooo much better about yourself.
The psychology of belonging, loving and being loved
Feeling liked, loved, wanted and needed are essential human needs and as you now know, you were born with the resources to meet those needs. That means you’ve already got what it takes to achieve all that! It may only need a bit of tweaking.
So, how does that work?
As a baby, you were born to instinctively respond to people around you by mimicking their facial expressions. You were led to do so by an inborn guidance system. From birth, you observed- and learned from- every single interaction both positive and negative. You were continually updating the template of that guidance system.
What was your childhood like? What has been its influence on you in later life?
How successful are you now in interacting with other people? How easy, do you think, it is for someone to want to engage with you?
The answers to these questions depend on your life experiences and your interpretation of them, these will have shaped your innate template. That blueprint forms the basis of your default reactions to your experiences in the here and now.
Let me give you an example…
The trouble with getting someone to fall in love with you
Say you had a particularly troubled childhood. In that case, you might have missed some essential steps in your development. As a result, certain updates to your blueprint may now get in the way of developing warm, supportive, mutually satisfying relationships.
You could, for example, have developed a fear of rejection or distrust of others. You might have built a wall around you and thereby, inadvertently, keep people at a distance. Yet, at the same time, you might all too often feel rejected and let down by others. No wonder then you would be searching to make someone fall in love with you.
I don’t, of course, know the ‘design’ of your particular blueprint. But, you’re here for one of the reasons I mentioned before – you’ve never been very successful at forming relationships or you’re desperately hoping that one individual will fall in love with you.
Therefore, it’s time to merely stop wishing you can get that someone to fall for you. Or, blindly hoping at some time people will begin to like and love you. It’s time to arm yourself with the information in this article.
To start you off – here’s a free printable to help you assess your essential emotional needs:
How to make yourself even more lovable
I would love for you to gather around the kind of people who find joy in simply spending time with you, befriend you and perhaps even love you for who you are. And, among those people, you might just find the love of your life.
So, here are ways that may help you achieve that. Choose from them whatever speaks to you:
19 ways to make yourself likeable and lovable
And you know what? It has nothing to do with looks!
1. Falling in love and being loved are opportunities
They come your way often unexpectedly. Keep an open mind as to what they might look like, so as not to let it pass you by.
2. Count your blessings every day
Actively being grateful helps to inoculate you against depression. People generally levitate towards positive people as it helps them to feel more upbeat.
3. Take responsibility for transforming any lack of opportunity
Make the most of what you do have instead of focussing on how miserable you feel about a situation you have no control over. People tend to shy away from someone with self-pity in particular.
4. Be honest with others
People often know or realise later that you’ve lied. Someone is more likely to fall for you when they really know, like and trust you.
5. Be honest with yourself
Accept every experience as a lesson in self-development. Avoid pretending an adverse event somehow didn’t happen. Facing up to challenging life experiences helps you to grow as a person, become more self-aware and, importantly, more empathic of others. When you have empathy, people are more likely to feel safe with you.
6. Accept your own role
Accept your responsibility in mishaps, missed opportunities, misfortunes, and accidents, instead of blaming others or circumstances. There is no failure – only feedback. Accept too, that you may simply have been in the wrong place at the wrong time. Remember always – people are particularly averse to ‘blamers’.
7. Refrain from speaking badly about anybody
It’s inconsiderate, possibly rude, definitely unkind and potentially untrue. Others are likely to fear you might talk like that about them behind their back. If people don’t trust you, they can’t fully and genuinely like and love you.
8. Judge every person only for their integrity
If you welcome people with integrity into your life, you’ll feel safe with them and as a consequence are free to feel, show and share the very best of yourself.
9. Be optimistic or, at the very least, realistic
Know that people shy away from constant negativity, it’s a burden on them. That doesn’t mean you can’t share your troubles with good friends of course! Good friends will welcome a chance to be there for you.
10 Accept that life will continue to throw challenges at you
Don’t waste your energy worrying about it in advance – know that you’re so much stronger than you think you are. You were born with the resources to problem-solve and be there for others in need.
11. Refrain from continuingly totting up ‘disasters’
Avoid peppering conversations with: “Now this has happened and now that has happened”. Your internal filter will become corrupted with a negative bias and a drain on other people’s energy.
12. Ensure your actions can be held up to the light
In all your dealings, ask yourself: if there was a hidden camera or microphone, would I be happy for my behaviour towards others to be broadcast? Genuine connections are made by those who work hard, smart and with integrity.
13. Scatter a bit of kindness
There’s enough trouble in the world and people will remember you for being kind. But don’t be afraid to be assertive when the need arises!
14. Take a calculated risk occasionally
If you remain unsure whether an opportunity is worthwhile pursuing: go for it! You never know what wonderful people you might meet! Just be sure to cut your losses in time if it doesn’t work out with dramatic results on the quality of your life.
15. Accept your advice might not be appreciated or taken
Any advice you’ve given to someone else under whatever circumstances may not be followed. Respect that person’s right to choose what they do with their life. They’re more likely to feel safe with you in the knowledge you won’t judge them.
16. Be open to new experiences
Expect the unexpected. That way, you’re more likely to approach others with an open mind and an open heart.
17. Take responsibility for your own mental well-being
Only you can overcome your own struggles. Friends, family members or colleagues can support you, but not heal you. Sure, there are times you might not be capable of doing anything else but leaning on loved ones. But, ultimately, you’re responsible for you.
18. Remember that no one can ‘make’ you happy
Others can only contribute to your happiness, but you’re responsible too for your own happiness (Others can make your life hell, though, if you’re in an unsafe situation or relationship, be that socially, emotionally, physically, spiritually or financially!).
19. Be yourself and make peace with yourself
Know that there’s no one on this earth like you – no one with your talents, abilities, and fortitude. You are as unique as any star in the night sky.
What to avoid if you want to make someone fall in love with you
Just to be sure you’re aware that certain behaviours can make it difficult for people to really like you…
6 ways that can stop someone liking you and falling for you
- Don’t pretend around people you know
Be true to yourself, even if you’re feeling unsure. Someone will see when you’re faking it. Of course, I accept there are times you may have to paint on that smile, look confident and say your piece.
- Don’t let other people overstep your boundaries
(some people might call that ‘being a doormat’). Expect to be treated with respect at the very least.
- Don’t hold grudges
– they’ll not only make you sick but also difficult to love as grudges act like a wall around you.
- Don’t pass judgments
You never know what someone else has been through that shaped them into the person they are today. That doesn’t mean you can’t disagree with them or dislike a particular behaviour.
- Don’t use people!
Using people also happens when you’re beeing ‘needy’ by default. We are all needy at times, we all need people to lean on during tough times. However, when that becomes our default position, without there being any evidence of us working hard on ourselves, it may push other people away.
- Don’t give advice, unless it’s asked for
Giving advice where it isn’t wanted can lead to others feeling undermined and possibly doubting their very own abilities and resources.
Here are some further tips to help you become even more likeable because they help you meet other people’s essential (inborn) emotional needs…
Give generously of your time and attention
Give freely of your time and attention – where it’s wanted. People thrive on attention – it, too, is an essential human need. You won’t need to make someone to love you when you’re able to give them your positive, nonjudgemental attention.
Here’s how to get someone to really value your company (a must when you want someone to fall for you):
- Be curious about what makes someone tick. Only then do you convey a genuine interest in that person and are they likely to want to be around you.
- Be a listener – let people tell their stories because people love to talk about themselves. To update your listening skills, see this article about communication.
- Celebrate other people’s luck or good fortune with them because this too will help you attract people around you. Envy and jealousy are off-putting and is very likely to stop someone loving you.
- Share in their sorrows, without your grabbing the attention to spill all yours. Be there for them – if they want you there.
How to never have to ask again “how to make someone love you”
- Pen and paper
- A willingness to self-reflect
- a willingness to better yourself
- Ask yourself first if- and how important a particular point is to you
If you subscribed to that way of being, would that make you more lovable to yourself most of all?
Would you be happy to add that way of being to your personal list of values and believes?
- Write down the 5-10 of the most important points
Make a commitment to yourself that you will wholeheartedly work on yourself so that you can invite someone to love you instead of making them love you.
I can guarantee you that taking positive action, focussing becoming the best version of yourself will lift your spirits and, who knows, that special person will fall for you too.
- For each of those 10 points, write down 3 goals of things you want to improve
You'll need to accept that you may stumble at times, but that you won't let that stand in the way of your progress. There is no guarantee of getting someone to like you, let alone fall for you though. But, if they do, you're likely to make the best possible partner. :-)
Remind yourself often that you've started a process of improving yourself and making yourself even more lovable - there won't be an overnight success! But, the more committed you are and the more you practice, the more accomplished you become.
I hope you understand now that you cannot make someone fall in love with you and that neither should you want that. Instead, I hope that you feel motivated and energised to make some of the ideas in this article come true. I’d love you to invest in yourself, to become the very best version of you.
And, if you’re hoping to connect with someone special, you won’t need to make them love you – they’ll just be attracted to you, finding you irresistible.
I’m rooting for you!