16 signs your marriage is over

How to know your marriage is over – 16 signs of a failing marriage

You’re likely to have landed here because you’re wondering about the signs your marriage is over.

I suspect you’re feeling depressed, worried, sad, frustrated, disappointed, hurt and angry as you’re seeing the signs of a failing marriage for yourself. 

I’m so glad you’re facing up to the problem, so let me help you figure out if it’s time to end your marriage and leave your spouse.

I’ll also point you to resources to help you save your marriage if there’s still time to turn the tide.

As a couples counsellor with 24 years of experience under my belt, I really understand how scary it can be when your marriage appears to be falling apart.

Maybe you no longer feel loved, or you don’t love your spouse anymore. Or, you no longer see a future for the two of you as your marriage appears to be failing for other reasons.

Either way, I aim to help you decide whether or not it’s time to leave your marriage and tell your spouse you want a divorce. That is if they’re not about to leave you!

Let’s dive in!

How to know your marriage is over

You want to know the signs your marriage is over, but however much I’d like to offer you a definite roadmap, of course, there’s never a guarantee.

However, I can help you make up your mind by pointing you to helpful resources that can make this life-changing decision a little easier.

I hope you’ll read through all the signs of a failing marriage further down with an open mind.

I want you to feel that with courage, humility, knowledge and determination, you may still be able to save your marriage. I have linked to articles with detailed information, relationship advice and tips to help increase your chance of fixing your marriage.

When should you leave a marriage?

How to know when your marriage is over

How do you know when to leave your marriage? It’s hard! I bet you’ve already been having sleepless nights on account of your hurt, disappointment and anger, let alone the prospect of the upheaval of a divorce.

The more signs you recognise below, the more your marriage is at risk and the harder the two of you will have to work to save it.

Keep in mind that you alone are responsible for how you interpret the signs your marriage is over. They’re not set in stone since I cannot know your particular situation. However, know that I have your best interest at heart.

Let’s start with the most challenging problem and one that’s the best indication that you should leave.

1. You are being abused – emotionally, sexually, physically and/or financially

Your spouse is abusive when they physically and sexually hurt you. And they are abusive when they treat you with contempt, humiliate, shout at you and constantly criticise you. I suspect your self-esteem has hit rock bottom.

See my article on the Signs of emotional abuse. 

If your partner is abusive, you have every reason to get out of this marriage as soon as possible.

However, telling your spouse you want a divorce will likely worsen their behaviour. You would not be safe, particularly if they are physically abusive.

Therefore, I’d like you to hop over to the Signs of an abusive relationship and scroll to the end of the article to find a list of organisations that offer information and advice.

Please see my Comprehensive relationship abuse test if you’re in any doubt your spouse is abusive.

Consider also if your spouse could have PTSD if they never used to be abusive. In that case, you’ll find a ton of advice and tips in my article on how to help someone with PTSD.

Or if they might have sustained a head injury through playing sports, an act of violence or an accident.

Obviously, there’s never any excuse for abusive behaviour, but there may be an underlying reason that, with treatment, can potentially be resolved.

2. You’re increasingly feeling hurt, let down, frustrated and exasperated

Why might that be a sign your marriage is over? For two reasons.

Firstly, the word ‘increasingly ‘appears to show no progress in your attempts to repair your relationship, no matter how hard you’ve tried, if indeed you have. You or both of you may have lost the will to fight for your marriage.

Secondly, you’re likely to have become exasperated with it all. You (or your spouse) have mentally and emotionally withdrawn from the marriage. With an imaginary wall around you, you feel trapped and no longer see a way out.

3. Either one of you is bored

Maybe your spouse has mentioned that you’ve become boring, that the two of you no longer do things together and that you’ve nothing to talk about. Or, perhaps you feel that way.

Here are the potential causes:

• You married the wrong person. Perhaps you married before you knew each other or, the night before the wedding, you knew you were making a mistake.
• You’ve run out of ideas or willingness to invest in your relationship.
• You, your spouse or the both of you have stopped investing in yourselves. Investing in yourself means you carry on developing emotionally, spiritually, creatively and intellectually. By remaining interested in each other’s development, you’re less likely to get bored with each other. You’d be asking questions and enjoying progress stories. You’d be supporting and encouraging each other when the going gets tough. You’d find opportunities to celebrate success.
• You feel bored in the bedroom.

Discover how you can transform your boring marriage and invest in your self-development.

4. You’ve stopped laughing and talking together like you did before

You may simply have grown apart. You have stopped doing things together, having fun and talking like you used to.

You can’t expect a relationship to survive without deliberately investing in it – every single day. That means reaching out to each other, listening, helping, supporting, loving, encouraging and thanking each other for what you each contribute to the marriage.

Making a grand gesture every now in an attempt to show you love for your spouse won’t cut it. See 24 tips for a healthy relationship for tips and advice that can make a difference today.

5. The same issue keeps rearing its ugly head and causing significant problems

You’ve brought up the same problem as you see it, time and again. That issue is important to you, but it seems not to your spouse (or vice versa).

Know that in most relationships, some issues remain unresolved – they need not be a sign that your marriage is over and a reason to leave a marriage!

To find a more helpful way to discuss the situation, read my articles How to stop arguing and 42 reasons you’re arguing all the time.

6. Your spouse has already mooted the idea of ‘taking a break’

Your spouse may not be happy with themselves, you or the relationship. The latter two can be hard to admit to yourself.

Maybe you were hoping it would go away, that it’s just a phase and that they’ll get over it.

However, now that you’re considering leaving your marriage, you do need to take action if you still want to save it.

My article on how to ‘make’ your spouse fall in love with you again may help you to decide your next step.

Alternatively, you could indeed consider taking a break – as long as you do it for the right reasons.

7. Either one of you is having an affair and keeps denying it

Have you cheated on your spouse and are unsure if you should leave them for your affair partner? Then, take my free comprehensive relationship test to discover what you stand to lose or gain.

A marriage can, potentially, survive an affair. The two of you can potentially become happier – if you take the right action. See my article How to heal from infidelity and stay together.

See my page The complete guide to surviving infidelity, for a ton of expert information, relationship advice and tips.

8. You feel taken for granted

No amount of telling your spouse how you’re feeling has brought lasting relief. Your spouse may have recognised your contributions by the occasional throw-away remark. But soon, you’re back to feeling like an appendix to your spouse’s life rather than an equal partner.

Perhaps you’re contributing the lion-share of income or chores to the marriage without getting much in return. You feel alone in this marriage, it seems your spouse has checked out – this could indeed be one of the signs your marriage is over.

9. You no longer feel the two of you are compatible – sexually, emotionally, socially or spiritually.

This could be one of the signs of a failing marriage, but it does depend somewhat on the combination of the above. It also depends on the extent to which you’ve drifted apart.

It’s definitely a sign that the two of you have work to do to stop your marriage from falling apart any further.

You could start by taking my marriage compatibility test.

10. You ‘go through the motions’ instead of making love.

There’s no longer any real passion. Your spouse doesn’t make any attempts to pleasure you in the way they used to.

Your love-making doesn’t provide that wonderful sense of bonding anymore. It’s no longer meaningful in the sense that it’s loving, enjoyable, playful and exciting.

Sure, for many couples, the excitement wears off after a while, but that doesn’t need to mean you should leave your spouse.

However, in combination with other signs your marriage is failing, this definitely needs your attention.

What other reasons could there be for your love-making to be in the doll drums?

• Maybe you are no longer interested – see How to boost low male libido or How to improve female libido
• Your spouse has a physical problem.
• They’re having an affair.
• They’re addicted to adult material or have another addiction.

I recommend you talk it over with a licensed therapist to ensure you take the most helpful approach in talking it over with your spouse.

11. Your spouse seems to be using the home like a hotel

They spend more and more time away from home and ‘drop by’ to eat and sleep. They’re likely to claim ‘legitimate’ reasons, such as having to work overtime, traffic jams or a conference.

Or, they appear to prefer the company of family or friends, running errands or helping other people.

Whatever it is, they’re not spending time with you, which could spell the end of your marriage.

I recommend you print my page on problem-solving skills and sit down to work your way through the questions. That way, you’ll get a clearer picture of what’s really going on before you talk to your spouse.

12. Your partner or spouse seems no longer attracted to you

Your spouse may even have told you they don’t find you (physically) attractive anymore.

Of course, you’re feeling devastated in that case!

The question now is whether or not you’ve indeed let yourself go – physically, mentally or spiritually. It’s tough to consider that, but facing up to some home truths can help you turn things around if you want to save your marriage.

So, hop over to my 4-part article on how to ‘make’ your spouse fall in love with you again to help you discover what might have happened.

However, I’d much rather you work to become the best version of yourself for your own sake. Trying to twist yourself into someone unlike yourself just to please your spouse will likely have a detrimental effect on your self-worth!

13. You are simply not sure what it is, but deep down, you know something is not right

You know something is wrong, you suspect your spouse is lying, but you can’t put your finger on it.

There are several potential reasons:

• Your spouse may be losing their job.
• They may be in financial trouble.
• They may be having an affair
• They may be ill – mentally or physically, but don’t want to burden you.
• They may have a problem at work.
• They’re organising a surprise party! :-)

If your spouse is going through a difficult time, it’s a worrying sign you don’t know about it.

It might be a sign of a failing marriage if they prefer to share their troubles with someone else.

You might find it helpful to read my articles How to be a better husband (all other genders are equally welcome!) and How to be an (emotionally) supportive spouse.

14. You appear to have grown apart

This is more common if you married really young. One or both of you have developed at different rates, and neither of you supports the efforts of the other’s self-development. You no longer have common interests and find little to talk about.

I recommend you take my comprehensive relationship test. You may discover that the two of you still have a ton in common and what specific relationship problems need your attention.

You may also benefit from reading my article on how to know if you love someone.

15. Your husband or wife no longer encourages your dreams and self-development

You want to move on, make changes, have plans, and improve your career, but your spouse doesn’t seem interested. They may even be making objections at every stage.

Of course, when you’re married, you have to be able to put yourself into your spouse’s shoes and take into consideration how your plans might affect them.

You may need to adapt your ideas, negotiate and compromise. However, you do need to feel that your partner is mainly supportive and thinking alongside you about how you can make your dreams come true. Equally, you’d want to do the same for them.

Your spouse doesn’t have your back, encourages your dreams and thinks alongside you? I’m not surprised then if you conclude your marriage is over.

16. You cannot agree on whether to start a family

Honestly, this really is a deal-breaker! If you want to have children and your spouse doesn’t, it’s probably time to leave your marriage.

If you knew from the start that you both felt differently about having children, anticipate that this may mean the end of your marriage. And that’s probably not a bad thing.

Not necessarily the signs your marriage is failing

When it’s probably not time to leave a marriage

Your marriage may not be failing at all, your spouse may still love you, but the mental health of your spouse is failing.

If your spouse has become increasingly distant, irritable, angry, miserable, or uncooperative, it would be easy for you to conclude they’re having an affair or are no longer interested in you.

But (and it’s a big one!), these could also be the signs that:

• They’re depressed
• They’re on antidepressant medication, which has a blunting effect on all emotions, including feelings of love and connectedness.
• On the verge of a breakdown
• Are at risk of losing their job
• Have other work-related problems
• Have undisclosed financial problems
• Have an addiction, such as alcohol addiction, addiction to adult material or shopping addiction.

All of these can mean that they’re feeling overwhelmed. Your reasonable attempts to repair your marriage only feel like more pressure on them. So, they’re shutting themselves off. No wonder then they seem distant and cold.

Finally

Building a healthy relationship and lasting marriage demands hard work, time, trust and commitment.
It doesn’t ‘just’ happen. It requires you to be vulnerable, make mistakes, take a critical look at yourself, read, discover, learn and practise what you’ve learned.

“Study Illuminates the ‘pain’ of Social Rejection.” ScienceDaily. ScienceDaily, 30 Mar. 2011. Web. 07 Oct. 2019.

Image is a derivative of work by Matvevna