3-step plan to decide to stay together or break up

Should you leave your marriage or try again?

Part 1: Should you stay together or break up and leave your spouse?
Part 2: Comprehensive relationship test
Part 3: Important to know

When should you end your marriage? Should you stay together or break up? Should you try again or leave your marriage?

These are really tough questions, and as a licensed relationship therapist (retired), I’ve seen many a couple struggling with this question.

Often they’d contemplate staying together for the kids or because of the financial impact of a separation or divorce.

I understand how difficult a decision it is. So, I’m going to help you on your way to making the best possible decision. It may help to start by reading my article on how to know you love someone. I’ll be here when you get back.

Let’s get cracking right away…

All decisions involve your emotions…

… not only when you’re trying to decide to stay together or leave

Every decision involves your emotions, whether or not you think of yourself as an analytical, decisive thinker.

Without access to your emotions, you would be incapable of making any decisions at all.

Yet, the more emotional we are, the more primitive our intellect and reactions are. We lose sight of the finer detail and switch to ‘survival’ mode. While emotions are running high, thinking straight can be a real challenge.

To illustrate this, try to recall when you said or did something foolish just because you were mad, devastated, lustful or greedy. (I certainly can!) You may well still cringe at the thought!

You can see now why you wouldn’t want to make any life-changing decisions when you’re highly emotional. Telling your spouse that you want a divorce in the heat of the moment will not be the answer to your problems.

So, the secret ingredient to making the best possible decision is that you need to feel as calm and relaxed as possible.

So, here’s what you can do to ensure you are as relaxed as possible…

• Make sure that you’re not going to be disturbed. You need to focus on the task at hand
• Put your phone in flight mode
• Switch off all other screens except the one you’re working on.

Next, get yourself a (non-alcoholic) drink. Switch on some relaxing music (something between 60 and 80 beats per minute will help keep you relaxed). Kick-off your shoes and make yourself comfortable.

Now you’re ready to decide whether to stay together or break up.

  How to fix your relationship tips and advice

How to decide to stay together or break up

Staying cool, calm and collected

Take 5 – 10 minutes, depending on how comfortable you feel with this sort of thing, to sit quietly and focus only on your breathing.

Your thoughts will drift – expect that, know that’s normal – imagine them just floating away.

Each time something else catches your attention, don’t engage with it. Instead, just bring your focus back to your breathing. For example, you could gently repeat words with positive energy such as calm, peace, and joy.

If this all sounds a bit too new-age for you, I understand! But, just trust me for now.

Let’s now clear some obstacles before you decide to end your marriage or relationship. I’d like you to know how and why you may inadvertently make the wrong decision.

Step 1, therefore, is of the utmost importance…

Deciding to stay together or to break up

Step 1 – become aware of your biases

The definition of ‘bias’ in the Merriam Webster Dictionary is:
“a tendency to believe that some people, ideas, etc. are better than others usually results in treating some people unfairly.”

What does that mean to you right now?
You’re likely to have far more biases than you realise. I’m just going to introduce you to impact bias, memory bias, and confirmation bias.

Impact bias

Dan Gilbert, a psychology professor, discovered that we overestimate the impact of near-future events but underestimate long-term trouble (1).

Multiple studies have shown that near-future events have far less impact on happiness than we might imagine. However, we’re also likely to miscalculate the importance or impact of future events that are further away.

What does that mean to you right now?

The fact that you’re reading this article probably means that all is not well for you and that your relationship issues have been piling up.

Let’s say, for example, that you’re having an affair.

If you were, you’d very likely be able to bring to mind all the pleasures that come from being with that person. Therefore, if you split up with your partner or spouse now, it might seem heavenly to be with that new person 24/7.

However, you might have minimised or not even considered there are likely long-term consequences you might have minimised.

You might, for example, not have thought about the considerable challenges of being part of a blended family.

Or you might not have thought about the potential heartache of moving out of your own home and into someone else’s where few possessions (and ‘rules’) will be your own and of your liking.

So, if you’re wondering whether to stay together or break up, I’d encourage you to think about what life might look like – in detail.

The best way to do that is by imagining various potential future scenarios.

I suggest you include the impact of your decisions in the long-term on your family, your friends, your work colleagues and your work. Include everyone and everything potentially contributing or detracting from your future happiness.

Memory bias

We know from studies about happiness that there is a difference between the ‘experiencing self’ and the ‘remembering self’. Being happy IN your life right now and being happy WITH your life – your memory of how it has been for you. (2)

2002 Nobel Prize winner Daniel Kahneman – world-renowned for his research on happiness, judgement and decision-making – explains it. We tend to remember things that had a significant impact on us, such as beginnings, important changes and, in particular, endings.

As a therapist, I have long been aware of how an ending can leave lasting memories, potentially affecting us throughout our lives.

Most people can accept that the death of a loved one is likely to have a lasting impact. However, throughout our lives, we experience many other endings that may or may not have a significant impact, such as:

• Relocating/changing schools
• Parents separating/divorcing
• Moving home
• Friendships ending
• The loss of good health
• The loss of anything else important to you. For example, the loss of a sense of safety following a burglary or an accident.

So, your current challenge of deciding to stay together or break up is likely to depend on past endings. And since these were likely to be emotionally charged events, your recollection of them may not be entirely accurate.

Can you see now how biases potentially skew your current decision-making ability?

Confirmation bias

Right now, you clearly have doubts about the future of your relationship. Perhaps, deep down, you already doubt your marriage or relationship can survive. Or, maybe you want your marriage to end.

Either way, you’re likely to filter your observations – anything you read, hear or see happening. You’re likely to see them supporting your belief that your relationship or marriage can’t be saved.

You’ll unfairly devalue aspects of your relationship that are positive simply to support what you’re already expecting or wanting to happen.

This is called confirmation bias.

“The great source of both the misery and disorders of human life seems to arise from over-rating the difference between one permanent situation and another.”

– Adam Smith, The Theory of Moral Sentiments, 1759

Unfortunately, too many people regret ending a relationship or marriage. Ask any divorce lawyer, and you will find that they know couples who married the same partner a second time.

However, a few situations almost certainly need to lead to your breaking up forever.

See my comprehensive abusive relationship test and dealing with a narcissistic spouse or partner.

Step 2 – decide on viable alternatives

You can’t really choose to stay together or part ways when you don’t have any alternative, viable options available to you if you were to leave.

For example, your alternative options could be:

• Living on your own
• Living with your parents or with friends for a while
• Staying locally or moving away as far as you can
• Moving in with your new partner.

However, there may be other solutions you hadn’t considered before.

a. Define the problem

Write down, in clear terms, precisely what the main problem the two of you have is – see my article 4-Step effective problem-solving strategy.

b. Consider what you want to achieve

Write down what you’re trying to achieve by breaking up.

For example:

• Do you want to gain control again over, for example, your finances, your children (or your partner’s children) or your spare time?
• Do you want greater sexual fulfilment?
• Do you want to feel important, seen, heard and loved again?
• Or do you want to get rid of that nagging feeling that you’re getting older and life is passing you by?
• Anything else?

c. Generate alternatives

Can you think of other ways to achieve your objectives other than those you already had in mind?

Think of as many alternatives as you can. For example: building a shed in the garden. ;-) Or perhaps you could take a break, get another job, move away, move the family. Or, maybe it’s time to end that affair, never have another relationship again or get some relationship coaching.

Or does it really have to be ending your relationship?

Just brainstorm. Include the fanciful, and write freely. Most importantly, write without any initial judgement on whether or not something would be reasonable or achievable. That’s for the next step…

d. Make a shortlist and consider the consequences

1. Go through your list of alternatives and ditch the obviously flawed ones.
2. Next, think carefully about the consequences of adopting one of the possibly viable alternatives – get into the detail of a potential solution.
3. Imagine your alternative solutions in as much detail as you can. What do you see, hear and feel with each alternative? What are the consequences of each particular choice(s)?

Step 3 – Deal with why you haven’t been able to break up

What is holding you back from ending your relationship?

You may have given yourself reasons as to why you haven’t broken up so far, including: “Every relationship has its ups and downs.”

But are your reasons the real reasons for not breaking up and ending your relationship or marriage, or is there something else going on?

By finding out what possible fears might have stopped you, you can begin to address them.

Usually, both specific and very general fears are linked either to childhood events, traumas and familial patterns or an overestimation of the impact of your decisions on your short-term future.

Some common fears that stopped my clients from ending their marriage or relationship were:

• Fear of being alone
• Fear of being seen as the ‘baddie’
• Fear of losing contact with friends and family on your partner’s side
• Fear of being left on the shelf
• Fear of your body clock ticking away with regards to having children
• Fear that you will not be able to cope on your own
• Fear of not seeing your children enough or ever again
• Fear that your partner may do something harmful to themselves or to you and/or your children
• Fear of failure
• Fear of the unknown

If any of these fears have stopped you from breaking up, you’ve clearly already stopped investing in your relationship. Your focus has been internal instead of external. I would therefore recommend you get some coaching.

Take a look at my article: Online Relationship Advice for further information about how you can connect with a professional relationship coach.

In addition to any fears you might have, other factors might have prevented you from deciding to end your marriage.

For example:

• Moral obligation because your partner is dependent on you in some way, due to a physical, emotional or mental challenge
• One of you is financially dependent on the other
• You work/run a business together
• You stayed together because of the kids
• Your religious beliefs prevent you from ending your relationship

Perhaps you feel torn on moral grounds because of promises, agreements, responsibilities, religion etc.

There are no easy answers and solutions and maybe no ideal outcome.

I suggest you seek the counsel of people you trust rather than burying your head in the sand or keeping your troubles to yourself. You are likely to feel so much better just by talking about it.

You may then be able to decide to stay together or break up.

Who else influences your decision to stay or go?

Besides your partner and your children, is there anyone else who has a say over whether you should stay or go? If so, ask yourself the following questions…

• Are they truly important?
• Would they benefit from either of your options in any way? Are they biased?
• Do they have a valid point?
• Can you reassure them?

Finally

I totally understand how you can go back and forth on your decision to stay together or break up. It is a really tough decision.

Clearly, nobody can tell you what you should do – that can feel like a lonely place.

I wouldn’t be surprised if you also looked for a relationship test, the result of which would give you a definite answer.

No one relationship test would tell you what to do other than provide you with a general answer.

My relationship test in Part 2 doesn’t give you a definite answer either, but it will help make your decision to stay together or break up easier.

I get it if you are reaching out to friends to ask them for their advice. Friends or family can be such a great source of help and support.

However, to avoid confiding in the wrong person, I would like you to read my article on getting the best relationship advice.

Whatever you decide, know that you’re likely to have far more resources than you probably think. You will get through this!

I’ve faith that you’ve got this, and I’m rooting for you!

Part 1: Should you break up
Part 2: Relationship test
Part 3: Important to know