fine-tune your thoughts on whether to break up or stay together
This article follows on from my free compatibility test for couples in Part 2.
However, if you haven’t taken my relationship test, there’s a ton of information from point 5 onward you may find helpful if you’re trying to decide if the two of you are compatible, or whether to stay or walk away.
8 tips to help you decide how compatible you really are
1. Celebrate all the good in your relationship
Focus first on all the questions you answered with a YES! These are really important – whether or not you stay together.
Remembering your partner’s good points can contribute to a good ending rather than a bitter one should you decide the two of you are no longer compatible.
2. Revisit the most meaningful compatibility questions
Print the article with the marriage compatibility test and highlight the questions most meaningful to you and ideally your partner.
Take your time to mull over your answers to those questions again, particularly those that you consider being potential deal-breakers.
3. Discuss the compatibility test together
Discuss questions for which you have insufficient information as a couple.
4. Ask help
Asking for help is a sign of strength!
Discuss difficult questions and your thoughts and feelings with a loved one or a professional. See my article on getting the right relationship advice to make sure you’re getting the advice from a trustworthy person. Or, opt for online relationship coaching.
5. Think about the potential for your relationship to change and develop
I doubt there is a ‘perfect’ relationship, no couple is completely compatible. So, if my compatibility test has caused you to worry about certain aspects of your relationship, maybe you can think of them first as obstacles to overcome.
Life will keep throwing challenges at you, regardless of your relationship.
You’re likely to benefit hugely if you take the opportunity to learn to handle difficulties, not avoid them or throw in the towel too quickly. That contributes to your developing and growing as a person, weathering the storms and making hard decisions.
Learning to deal with relationship problems by challenging yourself to do better before you decide you’re just not compatible, is part of all that.
6. Let things percolate
Talk things over as a couple. Don’t put yourself under pressure to make a decision if you’re finding you’re perhaps not as compatible as you’d hoped.
Equally, don’t wait too long either.
Have you been to-ing and fro-ing for some time, unsure as to whether you’re compatible enough to marry or stay married?
Then my advice is to discuss your answers with a trusted person while the test is still fresh in your mind. There’s a potential, otherwise, for you to find yourself staying trapped unable to make up your mind one way or another.
7. Consider again your own role in the ups and downs of your relationship
The two of you each develop at your own speed in your own unique way.
If you, your partner or you both have developed and grown – emotionally, mentally and spiritually, you may now be on a different path in life and no longer as compatible as you once were.
That could mean your marriage or relationship is coming to an end as you’ve grown apart, perhaps sooner than you could ever have imagined.
However, before you come to that conclusion, I encourage you to challenge- and be dead-honest with yourself.
Have you grown apart because you have changed through personal development and maturation? Or – take a deep breath – have you grown apart because, so far, you’ve cared only about yourself?
Commitment in a relationship requires a huge investment and risk without any guarantees of lasting compatibility and eternal happiness.
The road to lasting happiness does not exist. However, the road itself provides infinite opportunities for happiness. You make the choice – you decide.
Being in an intimate couple relationship means, to a greater or lesser extent, enduring rejection, hurt, and taking risks, as well as happiness, contentment, love, care, respect, fun and consideration. Building and developing a healthy relationship means continually testing and adjusting your course and direction.
Important to know, John Gottman’s research has shown that you don’t necessarily need to be compatible to make your relationship work! After all, you wouldn’t want to end up being bored.
It’s far more important that you’re able to accept and respect each other’s differences. This includes acknowledging that your partner is entitled to their opinion and, even in the midst of a major row, they could have a valid point.
Decided you’re no longer compatible?
If you have decided to end your relationship or marriage because you’re no longer compatible, I hope you’ll keep in mind your partner’s good points during the process – if at all possible.
Going through a breakup can mean facing one of the most difficult and stressful times in your life – depending on your circumstances.
However, endings can potentially be done with love, care, compassion and understanding.
Know that as-good-an-ending as possible is worth a small fortune in terms of personal, emotional, mental, physical and financial well-being.
The benefits?
In the short-term, it will cost you less in terms of trouble and strife, energy, time, money (think lawyer’s bill!) and recovery time for all concerned.
In the longer-term, it can mean the chance of building a new relationship based on you having learnt from experience and all that you have learnt from taking this relationship test. Or, it can mean peace, contentment and happiness if you’ve decided to go it alone and steer away from further relationships.
For all my advice on how to end a marriage or relationship when you’re no longer compatible, see my Complete Guide to Breaking up.
Finally
At the very least, by having taken this relationship compatibility quiz seriously, it’s likely to have increased your knowledge, awareness and understanding of yourself, your relationship and relationships in general. A great achievement!
I hope that it is going to help you to have some fruitful conversations as a couple. Be it about breaking up or taking the precious chance to work on your relationship.
Whatever your decision with regards to how compatible you (still) are and whether to stay or end your relationship, to marry or break up, to divorce or rebuild – I wish you the very best. I’m rooting for both your success and happiness!