5-step plan to heal and move on from someone

New!

Share, in confidence, who you’d like to get over.

Tick multiple boxes if they apply to you…

How to move on from someone you love

Perhaps the pain lingers. You remain feeling lost for days and even weeks on end. No wonder you doubt if you'll ever move on from that person, particularly if they're living, socialising or working too close for comfort.

You may even have been told it's time to move on.

Let's look, then, at how long the agony might last before you can finally get over that person and move on.

How long does it take to move on from someone?

What you can expect immediately after a breakup

After a breakup, you're grieving for the loss of the one you love. There's no hope of moving on yet!

You're likely to feel stunned and shunned, particularly if the breakup came suddenly.

• Expect to cope with 'not coping' only.
• Accept that you're going to be emotional and in floods of tears often at the most inopportune moments – that's a given.
• Expect having to deal with "you should pull yourself together and get on with it" either by yourself or someone else. Don't take any notice!

After 3 to 7 days

You're likely to feel a tiny bit better by about the third day. Still, don't expect too much of yourself.

After 2 - 3 weeks

You'll likely gain a little bit more control by the second to the fourth week. You can pick up some things you've been neglecting. You begin to dust yourself off.

After 3 - 6 weeks

By the fourth to the sixth week, you'll feel calmer and better at thinking logically about what to do and how to help yourself.

6 months to a year

Accept that during the first 6 – 12 months, there may be many a time that you'll suddenly feel distraught. Or you have a 'bad' day because something has triggered a memory.

Nevertheless, life is returning to what feels 'normal'.

Beyond a year

For some people, a feeling of loss remains, even though they may be in a new relationship

13 factors impacting how and when you move on

Make a note of the following points that speak to you. Write down your thoughts and feelings in a journal, diary, or scrap of paper.

Here's what could influence the time it might take to move on from someone (not all of the following will apply in your situation, though): 

1. How much support you get from family and friends
2. What else is happening in your life
3. Where you'll reside (if different than when you were together)
4. Your general well-being, including your mental health, prior to the breakup.
5. How recently you split up (to some extent) (See also: How to get through a breakup)
6. What your hope and expectations for the relationship were.
7. How 'intense' or even 'obsessive' the relationship was.
8. Whether or not it was an 'on-off' relationship.
9. How dependent you had become on that someone.
10. Whether or not it was an abusive relationship (see also my articles on narcissism and emotional abuse).
11. How well you now behave towards each other. Think of criticism, contempt, defensiveness or stonewalling - the four horsemen of the apocalypse, according to relationship researcher John Gottman.
12. How you discovered it was over.
13. Whether or not you were given a chance to talk it over and understand why the relationship has broken up.

 Take some time to reflect on whatever you've written down. Self-reflection and self-awareness are the cornerstones of self-development. They're essential in improving your life and relationship skills.

The better you can stand back and observe your thoughts, feelings and actions, the more you get to know yourself.

The result?

You'll become more resilient as you learn to soothe yourself better in times of stress.

You'll discover that you can take more effective action, heal, recover and move on, regardless of what's happened in your life.

So, step into your strength now!

How to move on from someone

Step 1 in getting over someone - accept that you're grieving

You are grieving the loss of that person in your life and the future you envisioned. You're brokenhearted. link

Your feelings are not unlike grieving for someone who's died, however dramatic that may sound. It happens to a greater or lesser extent with any loss we suffer. It's a normal process.

To help you move on faster, I recommend you get a professionally produced hypnosis audio download. The Mend Your Broken Heart download is just for you. For further information on the effectiveness of self-hypnosis, please hop over to my page: Hypnosis FAQ and audio downloads.

Step 2 in getting over someone and moving on

Prepare for success

Being emotional - heartbroken, sad, angry, confused, depressed - costs lots of energy. 

You must ensure your brain gets all the nutrients it needs to function optimally. Stress depletes your body of vital nutrients, particularly if you've been neglecting yourself.

So, be sure you eat well - with plenty of vegetables, fruit, nuts and seeds.

The added benefit of eating well is focusing on your recovery instead of that someone from whom you want to move on.

Step 3 - self-care and processing thoughts and feelings

6 tips to help you move from someone starting today

1. Write 'never to be sent' letters to that person

It will help you get things off your chest (believe me -it works!). Forget spelling and grammar - write down your thoughts and feelings as they float into your mind.

2. Permit yourself to indulge in thoughts about that someone

You've already experienced that stopping tinking about that person doesn't work. However, delaying your ruminations does work!

So, indulge yourself in thoughts about that person for no more than 20 minutes once, twice, or a maximum of thrice a day.

For the rest of the time, shelve any thoughts about your ex until the allotted time.

Here's a free worksheet to help you along.

3. Limit your alcohol intake

Drinking alcohol dulls your senses, increasing the time it takes to get over someone. Also, too much alcohol places a huge demand on Vitamin B - vital for dealing with stress.

4. Get plenty of exercise

Fast walking for half an hour a day or at least five times a week will do the trick if you're not the sporty type.

Set yourself up for success by downloading an app such as Mapmywalk to track and easily extend your achievements. However small your start, you'll feel so chuffed with yourself!

5. De-stress with soothing music

Try music with 60 - 80 beats per minute*) - similar to your heart rate. Give it a go if you usually listen to something more upbeat.

6. Ensure you sleep as well as possible

Sleeping (and dreaming) is also vital for your mental health. But, ideally, avoid taking sleeping tablets to prevent you from getting addicted. Sleep typically improves when you begin to feel better.

Step 4 - focus on what you didn't like about the relationship

3 questions to focus on what you won't be missing

1. What opportunities are opening up for you without that person in your life? After all, you'll likely have made compromises to accommodate their needs and wants. 
2. What restrictions and limitations would you have faced if you continued sharing your life with them?
3. What hurts, stresses and disappointments might you be dealing with if you were still with them?

Dig deep! You might still be idealising that person.

Step 5 - ensuring you don't get stuck

While there's no set time to move on from someone, you avoid getting stuck in the process.

Here's what can help you move on - my article on how to forget someone you love.

5 ways to help you get over someone, move on and focus on the future

1. Consider getting the help of a licensed therapist

There is nothing quite like getting it all off your chest and acquiring some strategies to help you move on from someone.

2. Take on a project

The need for meaning and purpose is an essential emotional need. You may have lost that too.

I would love for you to find something meaningful and purposeful to direct your attention away from that person.

Think about voluntary work (on- or offline), a study, a special project - at home or at work, etc. Brainstorm some ideas.

3. Reinvest in your relationship with family and friends

Make a point of contacting people you haven't seen for a long time.

Be sure to seek out people who are vibrant and upbeat. Stay away from those who drain your energy.

Chances are, there are family members and friends who would love to reconnect with you (the social circle without that person).

Put your mobile aside, talk to people in the here and now and make friends.

Your social connections are your most important resource and the most effective action you can undertake to become a happier person overall!

4. Brainstorm plans

What plans - however tentative - can you create to spend the following couple?

5. Create your story

Aim to become a problem-solving ninja - someone who accepts that hard times are part of life. You can become the person who can deal with any drama.

Think about what you would want to tell your others - friends, colleagues, employers, children or grandchildren about how you got through tough times such as you're experiencing now.

Finally

You've come here because you wanted to know how to move on from someone.

I hope I've been able to help you see a way through your troubles and encourage you to participate in your recovery actively.

I can't promise you'll feel better overnight, but soon you'll live your life to the full again rather than just survive forever fighting your thought about that person you want to move on from.

Know that you're much stronger than you probably give yourself credit for.

You've got this - I'm rooting for you. :-)

Other helpful links

APA PsycNET study - Down-regulation of love feelings after a romantic break-up

Image by Karen Arnold from Pixabay