Effective ways to get over unrequited love

How to get over someone you like and love, but who doesn’t love you

Unrequited love is a love that – for some reason – isn’t returned. The intensity of the feeling is thought to be less than that of the love felt in reciprocal relationships (1). Although I’m willing to bet that it probably doesn’t feel that way to you!

I suspect something has happened that’s made you feel heartbroken and/or concerned that you’re not able to move on for whatever reason. Otherwise, you probably wouldn’t have found yourself on this page! But don’t worry – you’re not alone. You’re safe here, I’m not judging you; you just need a little helping hand right now.

Let’s look first at what counts as unrequited love – because there are several types. Then I’ll give you tips and advice to help you get over this current hurdle and be able to move on with your life again.

6 possible situations you may have found yourself in

Scenario no. 1
You have a crush on someone totally unavailable, for example, someone who’s already in a relationship or married, a celebrity or someone else you may think is way out of your league. It is someone you’ve never dated or even spoken to.

Scenario no. 2
You’re pursuing someone you really like, but who’s already spoken for (e.g. married or in a committed relationship).

Scenario no. 3
You have a crush on someone for other reasons unavailable in your own surroundings.

Scenario no. 4
You’ve dated this person you really like. You’ve proclaimed your love, but your advances have been rejected. Ouch!

Scenario no. 5
You’re having an intimate online relationship and you know it’ll never lead to anything in the physical world.

Scenario no. 6
You suffer from what’s known as limerence (an obsessive type of love) or erotomania (delusions that make someone believe another person is in love with them).

Maybe there’s a good reason you can never have a relationship with the other person because they…

… are too young or too old.
… are not culturally compatible and/or have a different religion.
… have never shown you any sign that they could be interested in you.
… are in any other way clearly unavailable.

You may be needing to get over someone you never dated.

Equally, it’s possible that you appeared on the outside to be a good match and you’ve fallen head over heels for that person, but they’ve told you they don’t feel the same way.

Whatever the circumstances, you’re hurting because you’ve invested emotionally in this (unrequited) relationship. Let’s, therefore, take a look at what that might mean for you…

Symptoms of unrequited love

I want to reassure you again: you’re not alone. Research has shown that for every equal romantic love partnership, there are four unrequited lovers pining over the objects of their affections. [1]

Also, know that emotional pain can appear to be more difficult to bear than physical pain. Unfortunately, no hot-water bottle or cold compress will ease your mental anguish :-(

But, realising that you have recognisable symptoms can help to normalise your feelings.  So, depending on the type of your unrequited love and the level of your emotional investment, you might feel any or all of the following…

10 signs that you’re dealing with unrequited love

1. You go to bed imagining that person right beside you, you just can’t stop thinking about that person.
2. You fantasise about making love to them, perhaps even whilst making love to someone else.
3. You dream about that person and wake up thinking about him/her.
4. You think of any reason under the sun to be/get in touch.
5. You think of every excuse in the book so you can contact that person for ‘legitimate’ reasons.
6. You find yourself making a virtual or real detour in the hope that you’ll bump into him or her. 
7. You go over every single word they’ve ever spoken or written in an attempt to identify the ‘hidden’ meaning.
8. You desperately try to interpret every touch, every look, every action.
9. You constantly check your emails, mobile, social media accounts.
10. You’ve hit the gym, updated your wardrobe, changed your hairstyle or colour, skimped on meals to lose that extra fat.

I could go on of course – so many of my clients have told me all of those things and more (had I told you yet that I was an accredited/licensed counsellor for 24 years?)

During the early stages of developing a reciprocal relationship, these feelings are completely normal and grow in intensity. But when love is unrequited, I’m afraid it’s a different story.

You may have been holding out for quite some time, hoping that your romantic feelings would be returned in the end. So…

How long do you keep holding out – just in case?

No matter what your heart tells you, now is the time to face reality. You wouldn’t be here otherwise, would you?

Brace yourself: your love isn’t going to be returned and you’re going to have to move on. I wouldn’t be surprised if your family and friends have already said the same.

But how do you move on?

That’s where I come in! Let’s get cracking…

How do you deal with the rejection or need to get over someone you never dated

What to do about unrequited love

Slowly, is the answer.

There is no magic pill, I’m afraid. It does also depend on the type of unrequited love and/or how you were rejected and whether or not you see them every single day.

On one end of the scale, rejection can be done kindly. The other person takes the time and trouble to have a decent, honest conversation with you. And on the other end, rejection can be really cruel.

You get ghosted – no texts, no calls, no emails, nothing. They might block you on their phone and social media accounts too. No contact possible.

Or perhaps there was no outright rejection. Instead, you yourself came to the realisation that your romantic love is one-sided.

However your rejection happened, the very best thing you can do for yourself now is simply to accept that it’s over. Holding on any further will only hurt you more.

So it’s time to take responsibility for the choices you made up to this point. Your falling in love might have been an unconscious process, but it was a choice to invest in that love. You chose to nurture these feelings and to take all the actions that maintained your belief in a positive outcome..

The sooner you can own your role – without judgement (!) – the sooner you can move on. Instead of being a victim, become the hero! You can survive, you can overcome, and you can let go and move on.

Let’s get you sorted…

4 Ways to immediately deal with unrequited love

1. Dealing with unrequited love if you’ve been ghosted

Accept that you’re going to be all over the place for a bit. You probably won’t be able to make sense of it – not knowing what’s happened, or what to feel or do.

2. Getting over unrequited love if you’ve been friendzoned

Though you may be heartbroken, at least you do have clarity – your love is not being returned, you’re ‘just a friend’.

Decide on whether remaining friends is really what you want. You may find it easier to avoid the object of your love – if you can. Keeping your distance may well make it a little easier for you to let go sooner.

3. If you’ve been totally cut out

Remaining friends isn’t given to you as an option. This can sometimes be a blessing in disguise, and help you get over that unrequited love faster. It means your focus will be purely on grieving, getting over that person and moving on.

4. Dealing with unrequited love if you’ve otherwise become aware that your love is not returned

Coming to this conclusion is the best first step towards moving on with your life. The fact that your love isn’t returned will, of course, really hurt. It’s time, now, to focus on ways to get past the pain of unrequited love.

All you can do now is to accept that, very simply, the other person’s needs, wants, situation and expectations just don’t match what you offer or there simply isn’t a click.

Know that it doesn’t make you, what you stand for, who you really are or what you can offer, any less worthy!

So, let me help you get over the hurt…

How to get over the pain of unrequited love

1. Get over unrequited love by grieving for the loss

Research has shown that your brain registers the pain of social rejection much like it registers physical pain.

Know that it’s perfectly okay to cry yourself to sleep, to feel let down, alone, angry, depressed and heartbroken. Immediately after being rejected you’ll probably feel miserable most of the time.

Know that it will subside! There’s a great downloadable hypnosis track especially for you: Get Over Unrequited Love.

2. Make a list of the other person’s flaws

the reasons why it could never have worked anyway, and how you’re better off without them. You know – it’s all that stuff you were perhaps vaguely aware of but somehow managed to ignore.

Write it all down, from the smallest observation to the major irritations and, if it fits your situation, the final blow of the rejection.

3. Reconsider your expectations

You hoped for and imagined a future together. It takes time to first let go of those hopes and dreams. Only then can you imagine and work towards a new future.

Create in your mind a new path. Include in your thoughts your family and friends, your work, your dreams and ambitions.

Develop your plans around meeting your essential emotional needs in balance and using your inborn resources.

4. Focus on your social circle

You’re someone’s child, sibling, aunt/uncle, friend, colleague, neighbour, etc. Reach out and share your troubles.

Celebrate other people’s achievements and joys, and weep with them for their losses, disappointments, pain and sadness. Stand beside them when they’re frustrated, angry and at a loss.

If those connections aren’t immediately available to you, consider undertaking some voluntary work. One of the most effective ways to help yourself is by helping other people.

5. Hypnosis with the help of an audio download

Self-hypnosis, with the aid of a professionally developed downloadable audio, is an effective, user-friendly and affordable way to help yourself. For further information see my article Hypnosis FAQ and Downloads.

Alternatively (or in addition), connect with an online relationship coach and let them help you move on faster.

What have you learned from this (unrequited) relationship?

This is an opportunity to get to know yourself even better.

Ask yourself these questions:

• What precisely were the characteristics and attributes of this person that I found so attractive?
• What precisely did I find so exciting about this relationship (included the imagined relationship if you never dated this person)?
• At what point(s) did I make a choice against my better judgement?
• How did that happen?
• What assumptions did I make about the other person?
• What assumptions did I make about myself?
• Who else was affected by the choices I made?
• What did that mean to them?
• What made me adapt my values and beliefs (if indeed you did)?
• Did I have any trust issues before this relationship?
• On which relationships were these trust issues based?
• How has that changed since this relationship with someone I couldn’t have?
• What positives are there to take away from this relationship?
• What have I learned about the way you can love?
• What can I take away from all of this into the next relationship?
• What will I need to have done to be ready for another relationship?
• How will I know when I’m ready to have another relationship?

I’ve prepared a printable worksheet for you to help you take action!

Finally

I know how unrequited love hurts, and that it can cause you to feel helpless, hopeless and worthless. So my best advice to you is: don’t allow that to happen. Focus on what you can do, what you really want from life, and trust that you are worthy of reciprocal love.

Take all the time you need to heal and get over that person you like, and promise yourself that you won’t torment yourself unnecessarily ever again. Life can be hard enough without adding another burden to your shoulders!

Above all, learn to handle rejection – it’s part of life. Be grateful for the lessons you’ve learnt, and move forward with confidence. Remember: hero, not victim!