How to deal with a partner or spouse having a mental breakdown

What to do and say when your partner or spouse is having a mental breakdown

If your partner or spouse has a nervous breakdown, I’m not surprised you’re looking for information on what to do and what to say to someone having a mental or nervous breakdown.
I totally understand if you’re feeling at a loss.
I’ve supported many clients through their breakdowns during my work as a psychotherapist for 24 years.

Let’s get you sorted. I only know too well what it means to support a spouse or partner having a breakdown. You, too, need support!

To set you up for a better understanding of what’s happening, hop over to my article with the signs and symptoms of a nervous- or mental breakdown (opens in a new tab). I’ll be here when you come back.

The effect of your partner’s mental breakdown on you

Your partner or spouse’s nervous or mental breakdown may be causing you to:

• Feel entirely baffled by what’s going on
• Become worried about what it can mean for the immediate and possibly long-term future of your relationship or marriage
• Feel powerless because no matter what you do or say, it appears to make no difference
• Feel frustrated and impatient at times, perhaps even to the point of losing your rag (understandable – you’re human)
• Not understand what’s happened because all appeared well (or maybe you did see it coming!)
• Not understand a sudden downturn in their condition as they seemed to get better.

Knowing what to expect when your spouse is having a nervous breakdown

How to prepare yourself

If your partner is having a mental breakdown, it’s as well to prepare yourself for the following:

• They’ll often be irritated with you, no matter how hard you try to be supportive.
• It might at times be difficult to have a rational conversation with your partner. Due to the sway of stress hormones, the logical, analytical part of their brain doesn’t do so well.
• Your partner might not be able to tell you what they want or need, particularly early on. Why? Because they’re highly emotional, exhausted and burnt out. Even the most minor task can seem too much.
• When they’re off sick at home, and you’re working your butt off, it can feel galling to come home and still have to deal with chores. You might have to do the shopping, the cleaning, the admin, sort the kids and cook a meal. But know that everything feels like a mountain to climb for your partner. They’re not lazy – they just don’t have the physical and mental capacity to fulfil their responsibilities.

How to deal with a mental breakdown

What to say to your spouse or partner when they’re having a mental breakdown

Seeing your spouse in such a state is hard, so I understand that you want to know what to do and say. It’s even harder when you ‘don’t do feelings’, let alone mental health problems.

However, you’ll have to step up to the plate now.

You’re going to have to have a conversation with your partner—the kind where you’re focussed entirely on them and forget about yourself. You’ll have switched off your mobile and made sure you’re not going to be disturbed by anything or anyone (see How to stop arguing to discover how you can become the best listener ever).

It won’t be easy. There’ll be much darkness, irritability and negativity.

Be prepared to remain calm with a ton of kindness and compassion (see my article on how to be an (emotionally) supportive spouse).

Here’s what to say: 

• “I want to understand better what you’re going through. I’ve already read about the signs and symptoms of a mental breakdown. but now I want to hear what it’s like from you.”
• “Go on, can you say a little more about that? What’s the worst for you? What are your fears?” (No, they’re not going crazy!)
• “I’m so sorry you’re having such a hard time.”
• “I’m here for you.” (I’ll explain further down what that entails).

Have a cuddle when you’ve talked – if they’re open to that. Don’t take it personally if your spouse or partner can’t. Know that all their sensory organs are working overtime and that any stimulus can feel like an overload.

I’m sure it won’t now come as a surprise that there are some things you should avoid saying. Read on…

How to deal with a mental breakdown

6 things to avoid saying when your spouse is having a mental breakdown

1. “Pull yourself together.”
2. “Go and do something: change your job, have a word with your boss, tell them this, that and the other, go on holiday, stay with your friend.”
3. “Aren’t we having a great time”? (When you’ve perhaps pulled out all stops to ‘lighten them up’.)
4. “My colleague/mother/the neighbour suggested you should try…”
5. “A bit less of the drama please, it can’t be that bad.”
6. “I feel sad because I can’t help you” (That’s making it about you. On top of everything else, they might now feel the need to worry about what they’re doing to you).

Let’s look at what else you can say to your spouse having a mental breakdown.

10 things to say to your spouse to reassure them

1. “I’m here for you. With me, you’re safe. If you need to, you can fall apart without ever feeling like you’re being judged.”
2. “I know you’re not going mad. You’re ill right now.”
3. “I’ll remind you of all your beautiful characteristics that are still there, beneath that layer of suffering, such as your … “(Be sure that you’ve reminded yourself!)
4. “I love you. It doesn’t matter if your face is blotchy from your tears, your forehead is furrowed by worry, your mind is troubled and your days are dark. I still love you.”
5. “I can see you feel awful now, but remember that you were able to do this or that yesterday. It’s okay to take baby-steps forward. I’ll remind you of your progress whenever you need to hear it.”
6. “Expect your progress to be up and down. We’ll ride it out together.”
7. “Hormone levels dictate how you feel, so don’t beat yourself up if you can’t feel anything good today.”
8. “You will recover. This won’t last (keep a mental note of each and every small step forward).”
9. “You don’t need to worry about me: I’m okay. And I know you’ll recover.”
10. “I know your recovery may mean we need to make some changes. That’s okay – we’ll deal with it.”

Regarding point five, your partner is unlikely to be able to see things in context. Therefore they may not notice when they’ve made progress. So, help them out by reminding them whenever they need a boost.

How to help your loved one with a mental or nervous breakdown speed up their recovery

10 things to avoid when dealing with a breakdown

1. Don’t plan major outings or holidays for the time being.
2. Don’t organise anything without your partner’s input, and expect last-minute changes.
3. Don’t expect your partner to accompany you anywhere – allow them to choose (and avoid inducing any sense of guilt).
4. Don’t invite anyone around without your partner’s knowledge.
5. Don’t take it personally when your partner snaps at you.
6. Don’t take it personally when your partner unreasonably blames you for something.
7. Don’t be defensive when you know you could have done better – offer a genuine apology.
8. Don’t expect much of a love life (if at all) – that lack of intimacy is to be expected.
9. Don’t take power away from them by ‘babying’ them.
10. Don’t plan any DIY projects.

“Pfffft, isn’t that a bit over-the-top?” I can hear you think, but I’m just preparing you for the worst-case scenario. It may be that your partner can cope with more than I’m suggesting – a mental breakdown affects every sufferer differently.

At the end of the scale, even getting up from the sofa requires a major effort. Understandably, you feel irritated at times. But remember that a mental breakdown causes their immune, hormone and digestive systems, etc., all to be off kilter. It makes even the simplest tasks hard to achieve.

What can you do that’s helpful?

It’s crucial your partner takes responsibility for their recovery.

You can support them through it, but ultimately they need to take action – in their own time. You can’t do it for them, tell them what they should do or fix them, and neither should you try.

Let’s talk about what you can do when your spouse has a mental breakdown.

5 ways to support your spouse or partner with a breakdown

1. Make a complete list of chores together (if you’ve never done that before)

Determine who did what up to now and who will take responsibility for each task at the moment. This list can (and should) be reconsidered, of course, as your partner recovers.

2. If you have children, be prepared to take on more of the responsibility

Take over some of the tasks of caring for the children.

And talk to your kids. Please consider their developmental stage and ability to understand the language you use to explain what’s happening.

Don’t make your partner’s breakdown a secret, something to roll your eyes about or something to be ashamed of. Their mum/dad is ill. They will recover, but they’ll need help along the way.

Help the children to feel useful by giving them specific, age-appropriate tasks.

3. Talk to your boss about getting some time off

I can almost see you rolling your eyes! I know, you should be so lucky! However, you may need some time off when there’s a crisis. So, it’s best to anticipate it by informing your boss or manager (if they’re approachable) that you’re having a bit of a situation at home.

4. Muster other people’s support if at all possible

If you have friends and family willing and able to offer support, accept their help – with (or even without) your partner’s agreement. Be realistic and open about what you can and can’t do.

5. Keep your promises!

Don’t let your partner down by going back on your word (unless there’s a life or death reason). Your partner needs to feel that they can trust and rely on you – now more than ever.

For further tips and advice on how you can support your partner or spouse (and look after yourself), see:

• How to help your spouse beat depression
• How to help your spouse or partner deal with PTSD
• 10 ways to deal with your spouse’s anxiety

How to survive your partner’s breakdown

Your partner may well appear very distant and incapable of displaying any feelings of love and tenderness. Unfortunately, if they’re on medication, this can be one of the side effects.

Their lack of intimacy, interest in, care and consideration for you is likely due to their emotional state.

Assuming the cause of your partner’s breakdown isn’t your relationship, you must look for fleeting moments of positivity, tenderness or connection from your partner.

They won’t necessarily be big gestures, but just a look, a word or a touch can go a long way towards helping you feel like you still matter.

Sure, it’ll be really challenging for a while – but this crisis will pass.

Once you’ve overcome this together, there’s nothing you won’t be able to beat in the future!

Accept that you’ll both respond, think and feel differently. Accept each other for who you are and how you cope with this situation and become heroes together! Triumph over adversity, and strengthen your relationship as a result.

What the crisis can mean for your relationship

There’s no need to take it personally if your partner or spouse appears to withdraw from you. Know that your partner or spouse (probably) hasn’t fallen out of love with you. It’s just that they’re not physically or emotionally capable of showing you their love right now.

That is unless they’re conflicted! For example, if they’re feeling overwhelmed by your relationship problems, they’re having an affair, are planning to leave you or both.

Your partner or spouse has suddenly left, or you feel like ending your relationship

Indeed, many a spouse suffering from a breakdown suddenly disappears. They up and leave, often unannounced!

If that’s the case for you, unfortunately, you’re facing a time of great uncertainty. My heart goes out to you.

Please, see my page on help with emotional problems. I also highly recommend you get the support and guidance of a therapist.

Equally, your partner’s breakdown could mean the last straw for you. You might end up considering a breakup. You might not see a future together, particularly if your partner doesn’t take their condition serious, starts to drink more and is becoming increasingly abusive.

4 ways you can help yourself survive your partner’s mental breakdown

Here are some other ways to help yourself…

1. Consider seeking professional help for yourself.
   Even a single conversation with a relationship coach can make all the difference. I also recommend you talk to a licensed therapist about your personal concerns and issues, particularly if you already had relationship issues before the breakdown.
2. Talk to a trusted friend or family member.
   See my article on finding the right people to talk to in your own surroundings for non-judgemental (relationship) advice.
3. Take time out for yourself whenever you can.
   You’re likely to have less time to spend on yourself, but you must recharge your batteries. Whether it’s a five-minute walk, listening to your favourite song or simply taking a few deep breaths, make sure you fit in the things you know will keep you feeling grounded.
4. Calm yourself.
   I highly recommend you get a hypnosis download to help you cope right now. With the help of a professional audio download, self-hypnosis is a user-friendly, affordable and – above all – effective way to help you feel better fast.
   Discover how it can work for you and which specific download would suit you most – see my page Hypnosis FAQ and Downloads.

How long does a nervous or mental breakdown last?

When can you expect things to be back to normal?

I know dealing with a nervous breakdown is tough for you both in different ways. And it can take months before your spouse begins to feel a great deal better. However, there will be an end to it, just not in sight.

Recovery from a nervous breakdown can take anything from roughly three months to the best part of a year – or maybe even longer. I’m afraid it’s impossible to predict recovery time because so many things are at play, such as:

• Any pre-existing mental or physical health problems
• The long-term consequences of any childhood adversity
• The level of support available (this is where you can play a significant role)
• Medication (which, ironically, can increase recovery time!)
• How long the breakdown has been brewing, and the reasons it happened
• Whether or not your partner has had a breakdown before.
• The state of your relationship.

See also: frequently asked questions about a mental breakdown and discover what is needed to recover from a nervous breakdown.

Finally

Although I can’t tell you how much longer your partner’s mental breakdown will last, I can tell you that they will recover – if they work on their recovery.

Dealing with a nervous breakdown can be ever so challenging. So, if you’re in it for the long haul, be prepared to encounter challenges and upsets along the way. At least you now know what to do and say when your partner or spouse is having a mental breakdown.

In the meantime, look after yourself too, be your own best friend – you’re going to need it!