How to break up your marriage in 3 clear steps

How to break up a marriage

You’ve landed here because you want to break up with your spouse. That means you’re going through a really tough time.

So, I’m so glad you’re here. I will take you through the process of breaking up with your wife or husband, step by step. This article is relevant to you, whether you’re only just beginning to think about breaking up or are ready to leave your spouse as soon as possible.

Whichever, I understand your predicament from my professional as well as personal experience.

We’ll start by looking where you are in the process, but of course, you can scroll right past sections you think don’t apply to your situation.

So, what’s it like for you at the moment?

Phases of a relationship or marriage breakup

The ending of a relationship happens in different stages. The length of time each phase takes can vary enormously, though, from days to months or even years.

Phase 1: discontentment

At first, you may experience a vague sense of discontent and even emotional loneliness in your marriage.

You feel in your heart that things ought to be different, yet accept them as ‘normal’ up and downs. You may have tried talking about it with varying levels of success.

Phase 2: avoidance

Then you become increasingly aware you’re no longer happy. Perhaps you’ve even become somewhat depressed.

You stopped talking to your spouse about the problems as nothing has changed.

Instead, you prefer to spend your time on social media, watching tv, spending time with your friends, staying at work or going out.

Trusted friends are likely to know more about your feelings than your spouse.

Phase 3: giving up

You’ve given up trying to solve your marriage problems.

You may already have someone else with whom you’re cheating on your spouse.

Phase 4: fantasising

You’re increasingly irritated, frustrated and angry with your with wife, husband or partner.

You begin to imagine what it might be like if you were to break up and go your separate ways.

You may even fantasise about being in another relationship.

Phase 5: planning an ending

You’re looking at your financial situation with a view to splitting up. Perhaps you’re already lying to your spouse about money while secretly saving up.

Affordable or not, you’re scanning the papers for somewhere else to live.

Phase 6: making the decision

Then, suddenly, or slowly, day by day, you’ve decided to break up. Your spouse may have seen it coming on account of your withdrawal from the marriage. Perhaps they’ve noticed signs you’re planning to leave.

If only you could pluck up the courage to tell your wife, husband or partner you want to break up.

But, how can you tell your spouse you want to leave without hurting them?

Before we talk about that, I want to be sure you’re safe…

Still a chance?

Do you see a chance to save your relationship?

In that case, I recommend you download my free Communication Toolkit for Couples.

It will help you focus on rebuilding the relationship instead of all the problems and breaking up.

Still not sure?

Are you still not sure whether you should stay together or break up (link)? For you, I recommend my Marriage Compatibility Test.

It takes you systematically through every aspect of your relationship to aid you in your decision.

How to end your marriage - in 3 steps

However sad and difficult breaking up a marriage, we must accept that endings happen.

I want to help you navigate the process of ending your marriage with grace and respect to protect your and your spouse's dignity.

The more respectful the breakup, the faster your recovery with:

• fewer arguments
• your children's well-being protected
• less damage
• less pain - believe me!
• a hopefully manageable lawyer's bill (how to find a divorce lawyer)
• enough energy left to invest in your future.

In addition to my advice in this article, consider also taking relationship advice from a professional or a wise, non-judgmental person in your social circle.

And, of course, you'll need a divorce lawyer.

In addition, I have a ton more related information here:

• How to break up when you're living together
• How to tell your spouse you want a divorce
• Divorce - advice for men

Why do you want to break up?

Role and reasons

You both played a role in the breakup of your marriage (notice I'm not mentioning 'fault'?)

So what was your role?

Your actions and reactions are based on your expectations, perceptions and assumptions. Someone else in your position might have had no problem with your spouse.

Therefore, aiming to take responsibility for your role - your thoughts, feelings, actions and reactions will help you deliver the message truthfully and as gracefully as possible. It will prevent you from blaming your spouse. Hurtful it will be, nevertheless, of course.

How to break up your marriage

Step 1 - Know your reasons for breaking up

Your spouse will want to know precisely why you want to break up.

From my experience as a relationship therapist, I know how much longer it can take for a spouse to recover if they haven't been told the truth or given no reason at all. Some weren't given a reason at all for the breakup.

Why should that matter to you?

Because the vaguer you are, the more likely you'll be accused of cheating. True or not, it will definitely cause hassles and delays, as will a spouse who just can't let go. And your divorce lawyer will be laughing all the way to the bank.

So, please, make sure you're clear about your reasons before talking to them. 

Let's get cracking...

You want to break up because your dream of what your marriage should be like didn't come true or was shattered. But what precisely was it that made you want to divorce your spouse?

What bothers you about the marriage?

What precisely does your spouse do that you can no longer live with? Think only about behaviours here.

Step 2 - How to tell your spouse you want to break up your marriage

1. Set a date, time and a time limit for this initial breakup conversation

With regards to the timing - don't put the breakup off when you know it's over.

Set a date when you know your spouse isn't meant to be going out (unless it's a typical escape), ferrying kids or is busy with or at work.

The kids need to be out of ear range or, best, not at home.

2. Take it gently - step by step

Take your time and be considerate. Your spouse may not have seen it coming unless it was obvious a breakup was on the cards.

3. Be honest about the why's and wherefore's

Be sure not to accuse your spouse as a person. As I explained, talk only about specific behaviours you've found problematic.

After a short intro in the trend of: "I suspect you know what I'm going to say is serious." They'll want you to get on with it then.

Here are some examples of what you can say:

• "I am very sorry to tell you that I no longer wish to be married."
• "Unfortunately, we're having this conversation because I want to break up our marriage."
• "I think you've probably already realised that something is amiss. I know I've not been available to you lately."
• "I've been increasingly unhappy over the last few months, and I've come to the conclusion that our marriage is no longer what I hoped it could be."
• "I've been feeling increasingly irritated and angry by your lack of care, consideration and attention."
• "I've been increasingly disappointed and frustrated by your refusing to talk about..."
• "I feel let down by your continuing to ignore your/my/our..."
• Avoid saying something like: "It is not about you, it's all me"- even if it's true. Your spouse will see it as a meaningless cop-out (and perhaps it is!)

4. Make it clear the breakup is permanent

Don't say: "We could take a break." to make it easier on yourself.

Or: "We can still be friends."

You probably can't, not for at least a year and maybe never. You may think you can be friends, but you're on a different time scale. Your soon-to-be-ex feels whacked on the head with that life-changing information while you knew the breakup was on the cards for some time.

Don't let them convince you to give them another chance if you're absolutely sure you want to end the marriage.

Avoid responding with: "maybe if...", "if you would only you..."

It would lead to false hope, heart-wrenching discussions, pleas and promises.

Instead of getting trapped in discussions about how your spouse might change, repeat calmly as often as necessary: "I know this causes you (and the kids) pain, but I am breaking up with you." 

5. Avoid becoming defensive

Expect your wife or husband's reaction to be emotional and even volatile (particularly if, for example, you've been cheating on them).

Aim to stay as calm as possible, regardless of your spouse's reaction. So, avoid shouting, blaming and shaming.

You can respond by saying something like:

"I know this is not what you wanted/expected/had hoped for."

"I know you've been trying hard to..."

"I knew there's no way I could make this less painful for you."

"I'm so sorry to have to do this to you."

"I (totally) understand/see you're distraught/angry/beside yourself/depressed. I'm so sorry."

6. Give your partner, wife or husband a choice

Say something like:

"Would you like me to say now or leave you alone the rest of the day?"

"Would you like me to tell the kids, or shall we do it together?" Ideally, you should do it together and make sure you prevent them from having to take sides!

"Would. you want me to move out now temporarily until you've processed this a bit?"

However, do not move out, even for a short break, until you've spoken to your lawyer.

Step 3 - Breaking up your marriage and staying in touch

How much the two of you will be seeing each other, by choice or not, depends on:

• Your children's age
• Whether or not you and your wife can at least be polite toward each other
• life stages of all members of the family
• whether or not either one or both of you have a new relationship
• whether or not a new relationship causes an issue for your spouse
• joint friendships and social gatherings
• (extended) family events.

Decide what to do about contact with your kids

Of course, your kids still need you after the breakup of your marriage.

When you still have a young family, naturally, you need to remain involved with your kids. That is, if your spouse hasn't been abusive toward your kids.

If your children are going to college or uni, or have just started work, don't assume they don't need you anymore, though. Be sure to be available. There'll be much sadness when they return to a home that will never be the same again. They'll still need your support.

Your contact with adult children might be trickier, depending on whom they consider being at fault and whether or not they'll 'put up' with a new partner.

Should you continue seeing family and friends?

There's no way to be sure who will still welcome your company. However, here are a few things to consider:

• If you have kids, remember they might want to remain in touch with your spouse's extended family and joint friends. They'll want to continue to talk about them also.
• Decide who you would love to stay friends with (include members of your wife or husband's family - if they are happy to continue seeing you.
• Ideally, to prevent any awkwardness down the road, let family and friends know you've slit up. What do you say when you haven't bothered even to send them a card to say thank you for being there, welcoming you, supporting you or whatever else there is to say thank you for. So, send them a message of some sort and wish them all the best.

Finally

Knowing how to break up a marriage and telling your partner or spouse you want to leave is a heartbreaking undertaking.

I hope I've given you a bit of a steer so you can break up with your husband, wife or partner without inflicting too much damage to everybody's dignity and self-respect.

I wish you well!