How to end a long-term relationship – a 7-step plan with expert advice

How to end a long-term relationship amicably

Since you’re searching for information on how to end a long-term relationship, I suspect you’re feeling pretty lousy right now.

It matters little how long you’ve been together, 2, 5, 10 or even longer. Ending a long term relationship is tough.

I aim to ease you through all the stages of the breakup step-by-step. So, just scroll past any stage that doesn’t apply to you.

Expect the ending to be a bit of a roller-coaster ride, though. Breaking up a long term relationship is hard unless you’ve both been having doubts about your relationship.

It’s best to accept that ending a long-term relationship may take a little longer and cost energy than perhaps you’d hoped.

However, you can make it easier on yourself and your soon-to-be-ex by being well-prepared.

It also helps to have the right mindset – intending to act like you’d want your partner to behave if they broke up with you.

Let’s crack on with how to leave a long-term relationship.

Breaking up with someone you still love?

Ending a relationship with someone you still love is heartbreaking and even harder.

Yet, you’ve landed here because it’s time to break up.

You’re going to have to be super-brave!

Perhaps you’ve waited for commitment, being asked to marry, been disappointed, rejected, hurt and angry.

Maybe you just know your partner’s values and beliefs don’t match yours. Or, perhaps you love your partner, but they are abusive.

No matter how much you still love your partner, my advice on ending a long-term relationship is just as relevant for you.

Step 1 – Ready to end your long-term relationship?

I’m assuming you’re here because you’ve already made up your mind to leave your long-term relationship.

But, just in case… 

If you’re in any doubt, take my comprehensive relationship compatibility test to see how much you’ve still got going for you.

Then read my article Is my relationship worth saving.

Readying yourself to end a long term relationship is next.

Step 2 – Leaving a long-term relationship when you’re living together

Firstly…

… consider getting legal advice if you live with your partner. You’ll want to be acquainted with your legal rights before you take any action, particularly before moving out.

Please read my article: How to find the best divorce lawyer as choosing the wrong lawyer can really complicate matters. I know, having heard some scary stories from my clients!

Secondly…

… please read my article on how to break up with someone you live with.

Thirdly…

… if you’re in an abusive relationship, it’s best to enquire with a specialist domestic violence organisation in your country.

Next is how to reduce the chance of a prolonged drawn-out ending by avoiding my clients’ mistakes before seeing me.

Lastly…

… if you have kids, know that the ending has a tangible impact on them. You can help them cope better if you first read How to help your kids through a breakup and if the two of you remain at least polite to each other.

Step 3 – Preparing to leave a long-term relationship

5 common mistakes to avoid when ending a long term relationship

You’ll want to end your long-term relationship smartly and smoothly. 

A sudden ending, without regard for your soon-to-be ex’s (and kids’) well-being, is likely to lead to complications – more trouble for you.

Why?

• A much longer recovery time makes it harder for everybody to move on (particularly children). See this article (opens in a new tab) on youtangoo.com.
• Injured dignity and damaged self-esteem (including yours) can lead to poorer mental and emotional well-being, particularly if already fragile.
• The breakup might end up costing more if you’re living together, particularly if you need a lawyer.
• You’ll likely cause more heartache for the person you once professed to love.

The less sudden and traumatic you end your long-term relationship, the quicker your partner’s likely to accept that it’s over.

That means fewer complications for you (more on that further down).

5 preventable ways that stop your partner from accepting the ending

Here’s why your soon-to-be-ex might be unable to accept that you’re leaving (meaning they’ll continue to seek you out!):

1. Unexpectedly and suddenly being told it’s over when they had no idea you were unhappy
2. Not having been told the reasons for the breakup
3. Not understanding the reasons because you haven’t explained
4. Not having been given sufficient opportunity to talk it over pre- and post-ending
5. An inexplicable change for the worst in your attitude and behaviour.

You’ll have turned from pretending all is well to rejecting them.

While you cannot prevent causing pain by ending a long-term relationship, you can certainly make it more manageable for you both.

5 strategies you’ll want to avoid when ending a relationship

1. Putting it off when you know there’s no longer any hope

Leaving a long-term relationship isn’t any easier a week or a month later. It’s unlikely that there will ever be a ‘good’ time to end a long-term relationship.

2. Deliberately making your partner’s life miserable

Making your partner’s life as difficult as possible by giving them the silent treatment, for example, hoping they end the relationship, is a cowardly way out. And it will make it much more difficult for them to let go and move on.

3. Starting an affair

If you’ve already fallen in love with someone else, you’d no doubt want to pursue that relationship without your ex attempting to pull you back.

Infidelity, however, undoubtedly complicates the breakup, particularly if you have kids.

See The complete guide to surviving infidelity.

4. Avoiding any conversation about your relationship

Your partner may already feel or know something is amiss.

If so, they might accuse you of having an affair (emotional affair), even if you’re faithful.

So, please pluck up the courage to talk about your problems! See my page 25 common relationship issues and follow the links to the articles that speak to you.

5. Packing your bags and leaving

I understand you may be tempted to pack your bags and sneak out unnoticed. Your brain is primed to help you run like the wind, away from any trouble. However, in this situation, it’s simply cruel!

Let’s talk about how to go about breaking up then…

Step 4 – How to end a long-term relationship (the ‘meaty’ bit)

Discover how best to break up with your long-term partner

We all go through endings in our lifetime through family breakups, the death of a loved one, moving home or intimate relationship breakups.

Your previous experience of endings can become a template for those that follow. Your thoughts, feelings and actions today are based on past events.

So, regardless of your previous experiences, I hope to help you do a good ending by avoiding hassle, pain and a potentially more protracted breakup.

Hey, it’s a skill likely to benefit you throughout your life!

6 tips on how to end a long-term relationship

1. Tell your partner it’s over before you tell anyone else. The ‘secret’ is easily leaked.
2. Keep answering your partner’s calls and messages. Don’t be ‘unavailable’ once you’ve made the decision but haven’t yet told your partner.
3. Be fair and brave – tell your partner you’re breaking up in person. Don’t call your partner to end the relationship, or app, email or leave a voicemail.
4. Set a date and time. Avoid ending your relationship during an argument or springing the ‘news’ on your partner.
5. Be honest but kind about why you want to break up, leaving no opening for them to think there’s still a chance you’ll stay.
6. Be generous when updating your social media accounts, and post about the breakup (if you must) only after the event.

Next is how to have that potentially gut-wrenching conversation when you want to end your long-term relationship.

How to tell your partner you want to end the relationship

Even if your partner expects bad news, your delivery of it needs careful thought and courage!

Being well-prepared will help you do it confidently with empathy and compassion, allowing space for the message to land.

Having set a date and time for the conversation, your partner will expect it to be for something serious.

What to say to end a long-term relationship

Get more detail on how to get out of a long-term relationship and what to say here:

• How to tell your partner you want a break
• How to tell your husband you want a divorce
• Expert divorce advice for men
• How to break up a marriage (has lots of examples on what to say to end a relationship)

8 tips for telling your partner you want to break up

1. Prepare what you want to say (see also How to break up with someone).
2. Expect and prepare yourself for unexpected reactions.
3. Think about how you will cope with your partner’s reaction – it may be different at that moment than you had hoped or anticipated.
4. Take a few sentences to build up to the purpose of the conversation.
5. Deliver the message step-by-step rather than blur it all out at once.
6. Leave short breaks for ‘the penny to drop’.
7. Expect your partner to be slow in understanding – they’ll find it hard to process what you’re saying.
8. Realise that it most likely needs more than one conversation.

5 tips for getting that dreaded conversation right

1. Talk about your role in the relationship.
2. Talk about how you feel – how you have run out of steam.
3. Avoid criticising your partner as a person. Talk only about specific behaviours that have continued to be a problem for you (someone else could have been perfectly happy in your place!).
4. Avoid giving your partner reasons for promising to change and another chance.
5. Don’t say: “We can still be friends.” You can’t if one of you is heartbroken, at least not for a year or so, and maybe never. You may think you can be friends to make it easier for yourself, but the two of you are on a different time scale.

What to say when your partner…

• promises to change – say: “I understand, but I’m ending our relationship now.”
• says they thought you were okay – say: “I know you did, I am so sorry.”
• asks you if there’s someone else – bite the bullet and be honest.

Getting out of a long-term relationship can be so hard, but aim to stay courteous and considerate. Try to preserve what’s left of the relationship (if there is anything). It might prevent awkward bumping into each other further down the road.

Still not sure how to end your long-term relationship?

A trained and experienced relationship coach can help you feel more confident in having that breakup conversation.

Discover how easy it is to connect on my page about getting breakup advice.

Step 5 – Contact after the breakup after leaving a long-term relationship

You may not want further contact, yet perhaps you can’t help yourself—the same counts for your ex.

Here’s why it can be so challenging to let go.

11 factors that have a bearing on the length and quality of your contact

1. Whether or not you have kids.
2. The length of your relationship
3. The intensity of your relationship – you can’t be together nor apart.
4. The geographical distance – if you’ve had a long-distance relationship you may have already felt quite separate for some time.
5. How secure or insecure you each feel as an individual. How difficult and stressful is it for each of you to be independent. Learning how to end a long-term relationship may involve also learning to be by yourself again.
6. How secure you’ve been feeling in this relationship. If you tend to feel insecure by nature, you may find it difficult to let go.
7. The legal advice you have received – sometimes how lawyers convey their advice is less than optimal, however correct!
8. The state of your financial affairs. The stress it causes, and if your partner has been lying to you about money.
9. How you negotiate the division of your possessions – delays, misunderstandings, avoidance, promises not kept – and so on – all have a bearing.
10. Whether either of you is intent on point scoring or revenge – both pointless and potentially expensive!
11. Whether or not this is an abusive relationship. See Signs of an abusive relationship and Emotional abuse signs.

Step 6 – Telling family and friends

Prepare ‘statements’ now for…

1. people who only play a small role in your life but need to know anyway
2. people who keep asking awkward questions
3. people in any other awkward situation when you suddenly run into someone.

Write down what you want to say to whom, and practice it a few times.

Step 7 – Sorting your social life

No doubt you’ve made joint friends. You may have grown close to some of them and perhaps some of your ex’s family.

You may have things in your diary – holidays, celebrations, special days, etc.

It’ll help you get that sorted by cancelling those you don’t want to attend.

So there you have it! You now know how to end a long-term relationship with someone in a compassionate and reasoned way.

It is so worth making an effort to end your relationship with respect, care and consideration, if at all possible. 

I know it's tough. But I also know that you're far stronger and more resilient than you think. You've got this!