How to deal with long-distance relationship problems

How to save your long-distance relationship

Long-distance relationships can work, but you need to know a few essentials to survive the separation and avoid common pitfalls!

So, I hope to help you deal with long-distance relationship problems and possibly prevent a breakup. I’m aiming to give you an insight into the dynamics of a long-distance relationship (LDR) and some tips and advice to help you build and maintain a healthy relationship.

Let’s begin by unpicking why the two of you live at a distance.

What is your reason for having a long-distance relationship?

Here are some of the reasons why you can find yourself in a long-distance relationship:

• You’ve met on the internet, have an online relationship and live too far apart to meet regularly or at all.
• You’ve been living together, but work requirements (such as in the military, for example) or career progression mean you’re living separately.
• A holiday romance has blossomed into a longer-term long-distance relationship.
• One of you has had to leave home temporarily or in anticipation of you being reunited due to war, political unrest or lack of opportunities.
• You met online and built a strong long-distance relationship anticipating you’ll be together in the future.
• The pandemic has separated you for some reason, and you’re now painfully living separate lives.

All of them have unique challenges. But I’m going to start with the most common challenges since you landed here because you’re having long-distance relationship problems.

New! Why are you living separately?

Just vote, no email needed and it’s confidential. See what keeps other visitors apart in the results.

3 challenges of a long-distance relationship

Which of the following common challenges apply to your situation right now?

1. A distinct sense of unease, feeling insecure and worries about the future and a possible breakup.
2. Painful longing for close, physical contact. It can feel lonely when you can’t wrap your arms around the love of your life, even more so if you happen to be going through a difficult time.
3. Managing conflict seems even more difficult than in ‘real life’.

Relationship problems in a long-distance relationship aren’t all that different

• Uncertainty and anxiety about the future exist just as much in relationships where couples live together.
• If I had a dollar for all the people I’ve counselled who felt lonely in their relationship, I could feed myself for a whole year.
• Too many couples I’ve seen weren’t even able to manage the daily hellos and goodbye’s due to conflict, lack of trust and insecurity.
• Research shows that the breakup rate of LDRs isn’t any higher than in ‘ordinary’ relationships.
• Research has shown that partners in LDRs are no more likely to have affairs than those together. See also: What is an emotional affair.
• LDRs are common – the two of you really aren’t the odd ones out!

There’s more…

7 advantages of long-distance relationships

1. There can be a huge sense of anticipation and excitement in the build-up to a reunion, just like there is for any other wished-for event. You’re just fortunate that it happens more often.
2. Your reunions are doubly sweet (if all is well). Compare that with coming home from work every night!
3. The two of you will likely find it easier to share your feelings. You can get to know each other’s intimate life gently as you slowly – or even really fast – grow closer.
4. You have the time to develop your interests, spend time with friends, study, spend time on hobbies or do nothing but enjoy the sunshine without feeling selfish.
5. You’re more likely to be made to feel ‘special’ by receiving more ‘keepsakes’, thank you notes and love quotes, apps, emails and letters than partners in ‘ordinary’ relationships.
6. Practising self-reliance and successfully dealing with problems alone can lead to increased self-esteem and resilience.
7. Long-distance relationships are conducive to developing a healthy interdependence rather than an (often) unhealthy dependence on each other.

I was in a long-distance relationship and can vouch for all of the above. In the first two years of that relationship, we only spent a couple of months together. Nevertheless, it was a very exciting time!

You’ll need to be prepared to deal with any relationship issues, just like in any other relationship.

Before we get cracking with repairing and inoculating your long-distance relationship, let’s first see if it’s really worth saving your relationship.

Is it time to break up?

It could be that your long-distance relationship problems are not so different from other relationships. And, it’s possible to work on those issues if you’re both committed to the relationship.

However, what if you’re not sure you want to stay together or break up? And when do you end a long-distance relationship?

10 indicators that it’s time to break up your long-distance relationship

1. This relationship may not have a future due to distance, lack of funds for visits or cultural differences.
2. You feel you’re the only one working on this relationship.
3. Your partner frequently ignores your messages.
4. You don’t get any real answers to important questions.
5. You feel manipulated.
6. You feel used.
7. Your partner is emotionally abusive.
8. Your partner’s responses continue to be inconsistent.
9. Your partner is increasingly ‘absent’
10. You get no sense that your partner is part of a community – there appear to be very few friends and extended family members.
11. Your partner continues to find excuses not to meet up.

The latter and several others in this list are signs you’ve been catfished!

In any case, if you recognise several signs, it’s clear you haven’t found a way to make this relationship work regardless of all your hard work.

I know that can come as a blow, but maybe you suspected that would be the case already.

Now that we have that bit out of the way, let’s talk about the challenges that can make or break any relationship but need particular attention in a long-distance relationship.

How to deal with long-distance relationship problems

The best tips to prepare yourself for the inevitable struggles

Typical long-distance relationship problems are caused by arguments over, for example:

• In addition to more typical relationship issues…
• Who’s doing more than the other to help the relationship grow.
• Issues of trust and fears about infidelity.
• Who should travel to see the other?
• Who should pay for what.
• How to spend your online and offline time together.

If you met online, your relationship issues might include the following:

• How often each of you feels you should contact each other.
• Misunderstandings of text messages.
• Disappointments when promised meetups aren’t happening.
• Financial issues.

You can undoubtedly come up with your own reasons for feeling miffed with your partner.

7 conflict management tips for dealing with a long-distance relationship problems

1. Avoid making assumptions

Your imagination can run riot with you when you get that pit in your stomach that tells you something doesn’t add up.

That makes it ever-so-easy to jump to conclusions without any evidence other than what you’ve imagined or ‘interpreted’ from what you’ve heard or seen.

2. Calm down first

When you’re angry, always calm down first so you can think straight and hold a reasonable conversation without losing your temper.

Anger in itself is okay, but only if you use it as a motivation to deal with your long-distance relationship problems by focussing on solutions, not on bashing your partner.

As human beings, we can do or say some pretty stupid things when we’re highly emotional.

Therefore, before you write, email, app or call, take some time to calm down first.

3. Don’t text when dealing with long-distance relationship problems

• Texting is definitely not helpful when you’re trying to deal with long-distance relationship problems.
• Remember, you might not like your partner’s behaviour, but you can still love them. So, you could send them messages saying that, despite the problems, you still love, admire or respect them.
• Always aim to speak and look each other in the eyes in a video call.
• Do not send anything negative – no accusations or name-calling and do not resort to the silent treatment either.

4. Don’t suddenly break off the call

• Phone or video calls can be easily broken off when one of you feels hurt or angry.
• Instead, when you feel you’re about to explode, simply say you’ll take a 30-minute break to calm down and think.
• Promise to resume the call at an agreed time so as not to leave your partner waiting, wondering and worrying unnecessarily.

5. Take your time to write a worthy letter

• Writing a long letter about how you’re feeling and what you most wish for can be really helpful.
• Sleep on it for a night or two and have a friend read it out loud to you. Send it only when you sound ‘together’, reasonable and not too emotional.
• Be sure your letter includes some genuinely loving lines also. See my article on how to write genuine personal Valentine’s Day card messages or love quotes with a ‘thank you’ message.

A well-written letter can work wonders if it focuses on your feelings and contains facts without accusations, and wishes instead of complaints. You’ll each then also be able to read and reread it.

6. Take responsibility for your feelings

Yes, I know that may sound harsh.

You have the right to feel as you do, and you are responsible for how you manage those feelings and how you respond.

Instead of hoping your partner might change, plug up the courage and take responsibility for your role. I promise you – you’ll grow emotionally!

So, here are some things you can consider for yourself and then later discuss with your partner.

• How good are you each when it comes to managing uncertainty, disagreements and feelings of anger?
• How do you confront your partner?
• Or would you rather not admit to feeling angry and disappointed for fear of ‘spoiling’ that call or that little time you have together?
• How long do you wait until you open up about your feelings?
• Do you expect to sort it all out immediately when you take the risk of opening up?

7. Focus on the positives instead of your long-distance relationship problems

Getting stuck in a negative cycle is easy when you focus on what isn’t working. It can make you forget what’s working well for you.

So, try writing a list of all you have to be grateful for to remind yourself during ‘bad’ times.

What not to do when you’re having long-distance relationship issues

• Don’t ‘hint’ at having other people you’d like to spend time with as a way to make your partner feel uncomfortable or jealous.
• Don’t ‘punish’ your partner by not returning their calls.
• Don’t ‘not answer’ because you want to teach them a lesson.
• Don’t just stay silent when you need time to think things through – say you need a little time out.
• Don’t threaten to cancel a meetup unless your partner does or says this, that or the other.

“The silence is the worst part of any fight, because it’s made up of all the things we wish we could say, if only we had the guts.”

Pete Wentz, Gray

How to build a healthy long-distance relationship and keep it alive

Staying okay when you’re apart

Becoming and remaining the best version of yourself is your most influential and positive contribution to the health of your relationship.

The better you cope on your own, the less needy and more balanced you’re likely to be in the relationship.

3 tips for spending your time meaningfully while you’re apart

Long-distance relationship advice cannot be complete without us looking at your responsibilities as an individual.

After all, you have no control over what your partner does or doesn’t feel or do.

1. Be willing to develop yourself

It’s just too painful and unhelpful to sit around and wait. So, choose a hobby, do a course, study and spend time with friends. Decide to commit to whatever it is that you want to do. 

You won’t want to depend on your partner to meet your essential emotional needs. Instead, ensure you meet those needs through your connections with other people and through finding meaning by stretching yourself mentally.

Here’s a free printable worksheet to help you along…

2. Unplug yourself

Focus away from apps and social media!

You become a complete bore to yourself and other people if you can’t disconnect yourself from your mobile phone.

You’re also likely to be distracted with thoughts about why your partner hasn’t texted, hasn’t answered, hasn’t looked at messages, etc. This can only increase any sense of insecurity and anxiety you may already have.

3. Deal with your own ‘hang-ups’

If you’re feeling insecure and have low self-esteem, you may find the ‘demands’ of this type of relationship particularly challenging.

As a healthy, confident and happy you, you’re more likely to be resilient and able to deal with the particular challenges of a long-distance relationship. You’re also to better judge when it’s time to break it off when problems appear impossible to be resolved.

See my tips further down.

Advice on how to prevent long-distance relationship problems

10 discussions you must have to prevent long-term relationship problems

Having clear agreements might prevent unnecessary arguments.

Therefore, be sure to talk about:

1. How you will part. Make it a ritual. If you have children, that ritual will also help them manage the goodbye.
2. Who pays for what – travel, food, calls, etc.
3. Who’ll do the travelling.
4. Whether or not you’re happy for each to date others (it depends a little on what ‘dating’ precisely means to you).
5. Each other’s preferences and needs. For example, one of you may be ‘touchy-feely’ and not so good with words, whilst the other may be a wordsmith. Both of you will need to work to bridge the gap in individual ways.
6. Your physical relationship and expectations in terms of both your intentions and behaviour whilst you’re apart (see further down).
7. The cost of sending presents – set a maximum.
8. How you will get together, be together and spend your time together.
9. How family dynamics change after goodbyes and re-entries.
10. What kind of emergencies and family crises you’ll share and when.

13 ways to keep your long-distance relationship alive

1. Write ‘old-fashioned’ letters and send them by ‘snail-mail’. They are a tangible part of the other – great for ‘touchy-feely’ receivers. You can even give your partner a few stamped addressed envelopes to help make this happen when you see them next.
2. Plan ahead dates for watching the same films and TV programmes while Skyping, Facetiming or using another video app.
3. Meet for regular Skype lunches and drinks. Share ups and downs and feelings. Use these occasions by revealing something of yourself that you’d typically find difficult to share.
4. Meet up for special video dinners. Get dressed for the event.
5. Work on a project together – such as an online family photo album, a journal etc.
6. Build a website instead of a photo album. Use it to collect ‘notes’, anecdotes, events, photos, videos, etc.
7. Download my free fun relationship quizzes and use them on or for ‘special occasions.
8. Meet spontaneously or ‘by appointment’ for a virtual physical relationship (see further down).
9. Plan a ton of ‘special occasions in your diary – invent them or make other people’s celebrations your own. Make each an experience with food, dressing up, chatting and love-making.
10. Create your family trees and tell each other the stories of your families, with all the ups and downs. 
11. Build an online business together.
12. Play online games together.
13. Read the same books and have book discussion hours.

Advice on how to keep the physical intimacy of your long-distance relationship alive

Needless to say – your physical relationship requires special attention with a good degree of imagination and creativity.

Here are my tips:

4 tips for a satisfying physical relationship

1. Make sure you’re each comfortable with talking about physical intimacy. Of course, you can help each other, but you’re each responsible for dealing with your insecurities.
2. Decide when you’d want to make love.
3. Include all or some of the following: (s)texting, self-pleasuring, fantasy games, videos, books, etc
4. Dress up for erotic video meets.

One of the great advantages of a long-distance relationship is that you have a much longer time to enjoy that sense of excitement in anticipation of holding your loved one again. Because, of course, you can’t wait to smell and taste them after such a long physical separation.

How to end a long-distance relationship

First, I’d like you to be absolutely sure you’re not the victim of a catfish. Because if that’s the case, you’ll want to know what you can expect in terms of an ending. I’ve got you, though – you can read all about how to end a catfish relationship here.

You haven’t been catfished, but your long-distance relationship problems have become overwhelming, and it’s time to end your relationship?

Know that a breakup is always challenging, but if done well, even the ending of a long-term relationship can be a relatively ‘good’ experience.

Catfished or not, I think you’ll find my article on how to get over someone really helpful if you’re about to break up.

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Finally

Dealing with long-distance relationship problems can be very challenging when you don’t get to see each other in person. When you can just ‘disappear in thin air’ by not answering a text or closing down the video call, it’s hard to get a grip on the situation.

No matter what your particular relationship issues are, I’d like you to remember that you’re far stronger and more resilient than perhaps you think. Trust that you’ve got this regardless of what happens next.

Other interesting links

Longdistancerelationships.net