What you need to know and do before searching or contacting your biological father

Discover who your ‘real’ dad is and what to expect when you find him

You’re looking for your biological father. I can only imagine how confused and ‘out of sorts’ you feel right now:

• Perhaps you discovered by accident that the person you thought was your birth dad, isn’t (or wasn’t).
• Or you were told the truth – recently or some time ago or
• Maybe you knew from a young age that your father had disappeared for unknown reasons.
• Perhaps you grew up feeling (or knowing) that you were somehow ‘different’ from your (half) siblings.
• Or you’ve always known that you were adopted and know who he is but not where he is.

Chances are, you’ve been pulled between curiosity, the need to know and the fear of finding out.

You’ll have tons of questions, I suspect – anything from: “Have I inherited my looks from him, or the colour of my skin?” to “Does he also like this music or that food?”

Whatever it is, it’s likely to come with a desperate longing to feel ‘whole’ by finding that ‘missing piece’ of yourself. You long to know who you really are.

I also suspect you’re feeling pretty ‘miffed’, disappointed and hurt that your father never seems to have bothered to find or contact you.

Doesn’t he want you? Doesn’t he care? Is he embarrassed or even ashamed about your existence? Does he even know about you?

So many questions, so few answers.

What difference does finding your biological father make?

You may have been fortunate enough to have grown up with a loving ‘dad’, someone you’re happy to consider your real dad. You may not need another dad; you just need to know what kind of person your biological father is.

Or you’ve grown up without a loving father figure, and here are the potential effects of not having a father.

6 potential effects of not knowing your biological father

We have a television programme that helps people find their biological parents.
Here are some of the psychological effects people have experienced not having known their ‘real’ dad:

1. Feeling betrayed by your mother (and other family members) who may have kept the secret or lied.
2. Feeling like you don’t belong or ‘fit in’ anywhere.
3. Feeling alone and lonely, even when you’re in company.
4. Struggling to make and maintain strong (intimate) relationships
5. Finding it difficult to trust, particularly in an intimate relationship
6. Seeking validation by ‘pleasing’ men, not only in intimate relationships but also in the workplace.

Perhaps you can relate to their experience. Be awarer, though, that your experience is personal to you. You’re as unique as any star in the night sky.

So, let’s look at what might have motivated your mother to withhold information about your father’s identity.

Why your mother may be reluctant to cooperate or not be totally honest

Your mother or your adoptive parents is/are pivotal in your search.

Their support and willingness to cooperate will somewhat depend on the quality of your relationship with them.

To prepare you for some eventualities, let’s look at what could have happened.

Make yourself a hot drink, kick your shoes off and make yourself comfortable.

When you’re ready, take a deep breath in and slowly breathe out. This is going to be the tough part…

12 reasons why your mother might want the identity of your father to remain a secret

1. Your dad may have been mentally and physically abusive.
2. Your mother may have been raped by a stranger or by someone in her circle of friends or family (I know… this one, too, is really tough to consider :-( )
3. Your mother may feel guilty and ashamed about the circumstances of your conception.
4. Your father may be or has been in prison.
5. You may have been abducted (it happens more and more these days).
6. You may have been conceived in a ‘forbidden’ relationship (e.g. an affair, an intercultural relationship, a student-teacher relationship) – you are their ‘love child’.
7. Your mother may simply be protecting your step- or adoptive dad (if indeed you have one) in honour of his contribution to your upbringing (if, of course, it was a positive one).
8. Your biological dad may have been having an affair with your mum without her knowing he was already spoken for.
9. Your ‘birth’ father may have had a secret love affair with your mum, and he may have lied about his ability to conceive – for example, he could have told your mother he’d had a vasectomy.
10. He may have wanted your mother to have an abortion.
11. You may have been conceived with the help of a sperm donor. Watch this video: A young woman talks to her sperm donor
12. Your father is a family member.

Why am I confronting you with all this?

Considering all these possibilities may help you suspend any judgements about your mum’s decisions.

If you’re not ‘on the attack’, she’s more likely to drop her guard and be willing to talk to you about your dad. Instead of blaming, approach your mum from a position of empathy and understanding for her situation at that time. You’ll be less likely to set off all kinds of unhelpful defensive responses – and more likely to be successful in winning her support and cooperation.

Why was your father never there for you?

The following are possible reasons for his absence, not excuses, which may fill in some of the ‘blanks’.

• You dad may be, or have been, convinced that he did the right thing and that you were better off without him. When you were conceived (or born) he was possibly blinded by emotions and unable to think rationally.
• He may have thought he’d have a chance to see you again soon but found that the longer he stayed away, the more difficult it became to make contact
• He may not have known about the pregnancy.
• Your mother may have thwarted his attempts to stay in touch with you.
• He may have worried that contact with you would have threatened the stability of his present family (remember the difference between reason and excuse!)

I realise that all the above can have a profound impact on your emotional well-being, now that you’re confronted with it in black and white.

You may find it hugely helpful to talk it over with a registered or licenced therapist.

Whatever the reason was, it’s time now to think about your needs. You need to know what happened. You need to know what your DNA is.

And of course, time is of the essence if you’re dealing with an ageing parent. Your parents’ needs are now secondary to yours.

5 tips to help you stay strong and determined

1. You have the right to find your father, discover who you really are and get some closure.
2. A loving family would want you to have some peace of mind.
3. You need to know about your parents’ health.
4. You have the right to know if you have any other family, such as half-brothers and sisters
5. Your search doesn’t mean you’re being disloyal to your carers, be they adoptive or step-parents. However, I understand your possible dilemma, especially if you need to ask elderly or fragile parents probing questions. 

Accept that the reactions of those around you may not be exactly what you’d hoped.

What happens when you contact your father

How likely is your father waiting for you to contact him?

• Your father may not be the person he used to be. He may have ‘grown up’ at last.
• He may never have forgotten you – yet he may never have felt able to discuss this ‘secret’ with anyone.
• He may be hoping for a second chance with all the joy fatherhood can bring.
• He may regret his actions back then. He may have felt guilty for all this time.
• He may have dreamt of having the opportunity to hold you in his arms (again).
• He may have tried to find you.
• He may have done the very best he could to stay in touch.
• He may not have wanted to try and establish a relationship with you for fear of rejection (I understand you may find that a lame excuse!).

What you might get when you meet your father

Perhaps you’ve already thought about the following ‘surprises’. But just in case…

Your father may:

• Have established another family who doesn’t know about his past – and he may not want them to find out.
• Have done his utmost to forget you and won’t want to be reminded of the past.
• Not be mature enough to see the wonderful opportunity to heal your wounds – and his and your mother’s.
• Insist he never knew your mother.

There’s also a real possibility that you may have built him up and, despite all your best intentions, you may feel disappointed if he doesn’t meet your expectations.

The information you need to start the search for your father

I will help you get started in your search with this free fillable PDF download. You can fill in all the information you find and keep it safe.

I’ve also included a few links to further resources at the bottom of this article, including a people search programme review.

When the meeting, or reunion, is a happy one

If you do find your father, and he’s happy to see you, you’re in for a rollercoaster ride! There will be positives – and negatives.

So here’s what you can expect:

The positives

1. A ‘honeymoon’ period in the relationship with him
2. You may well idealise and idolise him (but these can turn out to be negatives, so be aware!)
3. You’re likely to be introduced to a whole new family and meet an array of previously unknown relatives.
4. You may feel a sense of finally ‘coming home’ and finding the missing pieces (including information about any health issues)
5. A (re)connection with yourself – that part of you that you didn’t know
6. Long and meaningful (but sometimes painful) conversations about the family history
7. The sheer joy of seeing your features reflected in their appearance
8. Getting answers to most if not all of your questions.

I hope you’ll enjoy this emotional story.

Don’t forget to remind yourself of who raised you, though. Who took you to the sports hall or music lessons? Who rescued you when you were left stranded? Who provided you with a roof over your head and food on your plate?

Even if you had a difficult (or near impossible) relationship with a step- or adoptive parent – mother or father – you can still honour their contribution to the person you’ve become (that is, if you weren’t abused!). And you can remind your biological father that someone was there for you.

The pain points, or rather points of potential growth

If you do find your father, you may need to prepare yourself for:

• A sense of awkwardness and disconnection when you first meet, which might not ease with time
• The realisation that your new family is like any other family with its own trouble and strife
• Potential jealousy – yours and that of other members of the family
• A potentially jealous partner if your dad (and perhaps his family) is all you can talk about, and all your love, care and attention are directed towards them.
• Having to deal with two sides of the story – your mum’s and your dad’s.
• Disappointment if he’s not the kind of person you’d hoped he would be.
• A lingering doubt: “Is he really my father…?” (In this case, you might want to consider a paternity test – although approach with caution because that can be a minefield of its own.)

What to do if you’ve found your father

How to prepare yourself

I know you’d rather feel confident, but it’s totally understandable and normal under the circumstances to feel scared about:

• finding him
• what to say when you meet
• not finding him
• not being good enough
• feeling rejected (again)
• discovering that he has died
• feeling let down since you’ve built him up.

Looking for and finding – or not finding – your biological father is a massive deal. So, of course, you’ll be feeling all kinds of emotions! 

Perhaps you already have a speech prepared for when (if) you do finally meet him.

Be aware that the emotions can be so overwhelming that you forget to ask those crucial questions, or you might react in ways you later regret. The same counts for your father, of course. You’re both likely to feel very vulnerable.

So here’s what to do when you find your biological father:

• Allow yourself to feel the emotions – they won’t last.
• Be prepared with gentle prods to deal with any potential ‘excuses’ as to why he hasn’t contacted you.
• Rehearse your answers if it helps you to feel better (but expect to forget them!)
• Expect it to take time to get comfortable with each other.
• Expect it to take time for others – such as members of your extended family – to accept you. Some may never, but that says something about them – not you.
• Prepare yourself for the possibility that your father may seem less than pleased to see you (although the chances are that you’d get a hint of that before actually meeting him). See my article on dealing with rejection.
• Remind yourself that you are unique in this world – there is no one in the world like you. You’re here to share your unique talents – great and small – for the greater good and your own happiness. If it turns out that your dad doesn’t want to know – don’t blame yourself! It’s not your fault – it’s his loss.

3 tips for partners

1. Do all you can to support your partner during their search. If your partner has never known their father, that longing to meet him isn’t something that’s ‘just cropped up’. Even if your partner has only just found out, it can’t be ‘undone’.
2. If your partner or spouse has just found out, they’ll likely feel their legs have been cut from under them. They’ll be grieving for the life they had. Why? To discover that the man you thought was your dad isn’t your father may mean rewriting their whole history. Nothing seems ‘real’ anymore – it’s ‘all’ been a lie.
3. If your partner finds their biological father, you may be ditched from being the most important person in your partner or spouse’s life for a while! That will pass – but they’ll still need your support and understanding.

There’s nothing else to do but research (use my free fillable PDF). Just trust your inner wisdom and let it happen.

Finally

Discovering your ‘dad’ isn’t your biological father or never having had a loving father figure are huge deals. Then deciding to search for your father, getting cooperation from your mother (if still alive) and knowing what to do and expect can be very challenging.

Accept that you’ve got the inner resources to go for it. You’ve got this!