How to get over a breakup

How to heal from a breakup fast

You’re searching the net to find out how to get over a breakup. That tells me how utterly miserable you probably feel!

It matters little whether you’ve been told nicely or you’ve unceremoniously been dumped.

You may or may not have seen it coming. Either way, naturally, you’re heartbroken. Chances are, you can’t stop thinking about your ex.

The pain of a recent breakup causes your brain to react similarly to physical pain.

(Just to be clear – I’m assuming your partner ended the relationship, not you.)

Let’s get you sorted so that you feel you can move on after this breakup.

Let’s get cracking!

Getting over a breakup when you’re devastated

It’s completely understandable and normal for you to feel utterly devastated, sad and hopeless. Naturally, you’re feeling down.

However, that doesn’t mean you’re suffering from depression.

You’re feeling the way you do because you’re grieving.

You’re mourning the loss of a significant relationship the same way you might mourn a loved one’s passing.

Normal feelings after a breakup

If you’ve only been told it’s over within the last 3 days, it’s normal to feel either overwhelmed with emotions or completely numb.

You can’t think straight, you can’t eat or sleep – you feel your world has fallen apart. You may feel anxious and even suffer from panic attacks.

However painful it is, it’s normal to feel overwhelmed and think you’re going mad.

During the next 3 weeks, you’ll slowly begin to feel a little better – day by day. You could feel relatively positive one day yet devastated and overwhelmed with sadness, anger and regrets the next.

Slowly, you’ll realise and accept that life moves on, so ‘should’ you.

Feeling angry and resentful?

Continuing to feel mad, bad and sad are normal feelings after a breakup.

It would be great, though, and definitely in your own interest, if you could let go of your anger and resentment after a while.

Continuing to stay mad will only jeopardise your recovery.

When you’re feeling angry, perhaps even bitter and oh-so powerless, you might desperately look for ways to regain some sense of control.

Fantasising about inflicting pain, embarrassment or chaos on your ex is totally understandable.

However, if you’re contemplating revenge, know that it might give you a sense of satisfaction and make you feel better, but only very shortly. It doesn’t work in the long run, does very little for your recovery and is likely to only stuff your lawyer’s wallet if you need advice.

However, there are definitely things that can aid your recovery to heal faster…

Getting over a breakup fast

How to stop torturing yourself after a breakup

Oh, how comforting it can be to wear that T-shirt or jumper your ex loved and left behind! It can soothe and comfort you when overwhelmed with sadness and despair.

But! You’ll have to let go of that eventually. Trust that you’ll know when it’s time to donate that particular item to the charity shop.

Here’s what else you need to do to stop torturing yourself (we’ll cover this in more detail further down).

6 tips to stop torturing yourself after a breakup

1. Forget about remaining friends with your ex, at least for the time being. You’re on a different timescale – they may have moved on well before the end of your relationship, and you’re feeling heartbroken.
2. Stop texting, calling and pleading to get your ex back. I know that’s really hard, particularly when you’ve been gas-lighted. Accept that it’s over.
3. Get rid of strong reminders, but take your time.
4. Manage your social media account.
5. Make well-considered decisions with regards to maintaining certain friendships.
6. Get a professionally produced hypnosis audio download, such as Getting over a relationship and Mending your broken heart. To discover how a hypnosis download might work for you, hop over to my page Hypnosis Frequently Asked Questions and downloads.

How long does it take to get over a breakup?

So, I gave you a sort-of time frame for your recovery. However, know that the time it takes to heal after a breakup is different for everyone. No one can tell you when you should be ‘over it.
Why not?
Because the time it takes to get over a breakup depends on a wide range of variables. How long it takes to get over a breakup depends on whether or not:

• You’ve been let down before.
• You were living together.
• You had an affair with that person.
• They gave you a reasonable, considerate explanation of why they wanted to end the relationship.
• Your partner has remained generally civil or has grown cold and unapproachable.
• You’re financially dependent on them.
• You have support from friends and family.
• You have children together.
• You’re pregnant.
• You were engaged to be married.
• You’re suffering from substance abuse or any other addiction.
• It was an abusive relationship.
• It was an on/off relationship.
• Your ability to conceive on account of your age.
• You see a future for yourself or not.
• Living on your own seems too scary.
• You’re suffering from mental health problems such as depression, anxiety or PTSD.

So, you can see that forecasting how long it takes to get over a breakup is not easy.

Does none of the above play a big part in your life? Then, you may well be able to get your life on the rails again sooner.

I’m including a free worksheet to help you make a plan to take the best care of yourself…

When you should seek help as soon as possible

Just know that you’re in the middle of a transition which will take its own course. Being able to let go and heal after a breakup takes time.

However, if you continue to be consumed by:

• Bitterness, anger and resentment.
• Suffer from anxiety attacks
• Suffer from other mental health conditions.
• Were in an abusive relationship.
• after three weeks of crying, you still feel the breakup ‘happened yesterday’.
• after three months, you have not made the tiniest step to adjust to life without your ex.
• Have little or no social support…

… I highly recommend you get the help of a relationship therapist as soon as possible.

I promise you that when you’re getting over a breakup, expert support can help you heal faster after a breakup.

Please, note

I’m in no way implying you should be over the breakup after three months!

I just want you to be aware of how you’re healing after the breakup.  Are you beginning to feel a little better? Are you slowly but gradually starting to focus on life without your ex?

Should you stay in touch with your ex and remain friends?

It’s totally understandable that you just want to hear your ex’s voice. You want to see them, be with them, and you long to feel their touch.

However, the harsh reality is: that the relationship is over. You can’t be friends with someone you may feel has dealt you such a grievous blow.

And you can’t go from being lovers to being pals if you were in no way prepared to break up.

Naturally, if you have children, you have no choice but to remain in touch. That is unless you were in an abusive relationship.

However, you may be able to manage that contact with expert help and support – if your ex-partner was not abusive toward your kids.

No making ‘love’ with your ex!

Promise me you won’t agree to make love with your ex for any reason whatsoever. Listen to the story you tell yourself when you’re tempted – it’s a false one!

I understand how you may see it as a great opportunity to connect (quite literally) and feel close again.

You may even think or perhaps have been made to believe that it could heal your relationship.

Your ex will likely be using you, and you’ll feel a lot worse afterwards!

How to get over a breakup when you can’t let go

Don’t hold on to reminders

Jewellery, clothes, photos, etc., are all receptors and containers of memories.

Pack them away or return them to your ex as soon as possible. It’s okay to look at them or hold them every now and then. But don’t build a shrine to your relationship.

If you have children, be considerate of their feelings. There’s every chance they want to keep things you’d rather not see.

However, they’re dependent on you for their mental well-being, and their need might have to trump yours.

Anything you or your children don’t want to keep, you can ditch – in stages if you need to. There’s no need to do it all at once.

How to heal after a breakup

3 tips on how to manage your social media

1. Don’t spill the beans all over social media

If you post your unravelling on account of the breakup all over social media, there will forever be a public record. And, at least Facebook is likely to remind you of that periodically.

That won’t help you get over the breakup and forget.

Your ‘friends’ on social media won’t necessarily have your best interest at heart either!

2. Avoid seeing yourself as a victim

I understand it may feel hugely comforting to be on the receiving end of supportive messages from online friends and even complete strangers.

However, remember that some of your ‘friends’ might just want to be seen as supportive, but that doesn’t mean they really are.

However, you could find yourself wanting more and more while you’re feeling so vulnerable.

Your ‘friends’ will get fed up with you pretty quickly. And, before you realise you’ve landed in a victim role. Relying on those brief interactions will stop you from healing.

The same counts for friends and family in real life. Naturally, you need support, but don’t become a victim.

Be sure to favour good support and advice from friends and family members in real life. Loved ones who can hug you, comfort and support you unconditionally.

Research shows that social support is a great healer.

3. Stop tracking your ex

You won’t be able to get over a breakup if you keep tracking and stalking your ex on social media.

Checking what they’re up to keeps you stuck in the past. The two of you are finished, so it’s best to cut any links.

Only when you can accept that ‘it is what it is’, however unfortunate, can you begin to move on.

That doesn’t mean you can’t feel the pain of the loss, the confusion if you weren’t given a reason for the breakup or the anger about the way you found out.

No, it means that you use your precious energy to move forward despite these turbulent feelings instead of looking back.

How to get over a breakup by managing changes in friendships

3 tips on dealing with friends after a breakup

1. Don’t be tempted to ask your friends what’s going on with your ex after the breakup. You need their love, care and attention. By focusing on your ex, you’re splitting that energy. You’ll only get over a breakup by concentrating on yourself.
2. You may have to let go of a few friends if they appear to make it harder for you to get over the breakup. There may be friends who set out to make it harder for you, unintentionally or not. Perhaps they remind you of what’s happened too often. You may need to take a break or accept that the friendship is no longer in your best interest.
3. There’s a chance that this experience will lead to finding new friends, those who understand your situation. Perhaps they’ve been through the same. They’ll be naturally more empathetic and considerate of your feelings. They’ll be able to help you get over the breakup.

Good friends are vital, each offering a different kind of support: a shoulder to cry on, a great night out or entertaining company that makes you cry with laughter.

Getting over a breakup when you were living together

Breaking up is even more challenging when you’ve been living together. Or, maybe you even still reside in the same apartment or house.

Your losses are even greater – for example:

• The possible loss of your home
• The loss of much-loved objects as you divide your possessions
• The loss of your financial security (unless your partner had lied to you about money and was hiding things)
• The loss of your job if you have to move away
• If you have kids, the possible loss of having them with you all the time as you might be co-parenting.

You may find my article on how to break up with someone you live with helpful.

Does counselling help after a breakup

Absolutely, coaching or counselling after a breakup can help you get over it, heal and move on faster.

Know that getting help after a breakup is a sign of strength, not weakness! 

A professional relationship coach can help you to get over a breakup by helping you to:

• Figure out what went wrong if you can’t get your head around why your partner broke up with you
• Giving ideas and advice on handling difficult situations, such as dealing with your ex, what to say and what to avoid.
• Reassure you that you’re doing okay when you’re feeling at a loss.
• Deal with difficult emotions and feelings.
• Reconnect with friends and family.
• Find hope in a brighter future.
• Pave your way to a renewed sense of meaning and purpose.
• Encourage and support you when taking small or even big steps in moving forward.

Fortunately, it’s easy to connect with a professional relationship coach.

See my page on breakup advice.

Finally

You’re going through a very tough time in your life, and my heart goes out to you.

You were looking for information on how to get over a breakup. That means that you’re already on your way to healing.

Know that you’re far stronger than you think you are. You’ll heal and move on again. You’ve got this!