Expert advice and words of comfort for when you’re getting over a breakup
Part 1, Part 2 – How to forget someone
When you’re searching for how to get over a breakup, it’s likely that you’re feeling as though you’ve been unceremoniously dumped. Or, that breakup happened some time ago and you just can’t let go.
You may or may not have seen it coming, either way – you can’t stop thinking about your ex.
If you’ve just broken up, I really get that you’re experiencing that blow as physical pain. It’s like you’re gasping for breath and desperate to shake yourself awake from the nightmare.
Let’s get you sorted, regardless of how long ago you broke up.
In this article, you’ll discover:
- The trouble with anger and resentment
- What to avoid on social media when you’re wanting to get over a breakup
- How to deal with family and friends following a breakup
- Whether or not you should stay in touch and remain friends
- 3 tips to heal faster after a breakup.
Be sure to also read my article How to get over someone.
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Feeling angry and resentful?
I know, you probably won’t want to hear it but I do like you to let go of your anger and resentment. It’s really important to do that as soon as possible because remaining mad with your ex is only going to hurt you.
Just in case you’re contemplating revenge… that doesn’t work either – it’s likely to only stuff your lawyer’s wallet if you need one. Fantasising about inflicting pain, embarrassment or chaos to get your ex back is understandable, though. When you’re feeling angry, perhaps even bitter and oh so powerless you can feel desperate to get some sense of control.
But believe me when I say: revenge does nothing for your own recovery.
Just know that you’re in the middle of a transition which will take its own course. Being able to let go is likely to be some ways off and in any case, won’t happen overnight. Don’t be tempted or even told when you should be ‘over it’ – timing is different for each person (see my article on how to get over someone).
However, if you’re consumed by bitterness and resentment and feeling the pain and sense of loss, I’d really like you to take action now.
I highly recommend you get the help of a licensed therapist as soon as possible.
How to get over a breakup by managing your social media
1. Don’t spill the beans all over social media.
The evidence of your – very understandable – unravelling and emotional upset will be forever publicly recorded. That won’t help you get over the breakup and forget. Facebook, I know, has a way of reminding you what happened so many years ago!
2. Stop seeing yourself as a victim
I understand it may feel hugely comforting to be on the receiving end of supportive messages from online friends and even complete strangers.
However, you could find yourself wanting more and more whilst you’re vulnerable. Before you realise it you find yourself embedded in the victim role. So, instead of making real progress healing yourself, you’ll continue to make do with those brief interactions.
Be sure to favour good quality support and advice from friends and family members in real life. Those that can hug you. Or connect with an online professional counsellor to make progress if that breakup happened more than three months ago and you’re still finding yourself as upset as you were after it first happened. Please, note that I’m in no way implying you should be over the breakup, having forgotten all about it. I just want you to notice that you’re crying a little less and can focus a little longer on other things.
3. Stop tracking your ex
You can’t forget someone if you’re busy tracking them on social media – I’m sure you’re well aware. The two of you are finished. Harsh isn’t it?
Use your precious time and energy to move forward, not to look back. Checking what your ex is up to keeps you stuck in the past.
Only when you can accept that ‘it is what it is’, however unfortunate, can you begin to move on. That doesn’t mean you can’t feel that pain and awful sense of loss. No, it means that you move forward despite those tumultuous feelings.
Manage your friends
Don’t ask your friends what’s going on with your ex after the break-up. Instead, focus on yourself. You need their attention… don’t give it all away to your ex.
You may have to let go of a few friends if they intend to make life after the breakup more difficult for you. Know that those kinds of people aren’t actually real friends at all.
Chances are that this unfortunate experience will lead to you finding new friends. Those that are empathetic and considerate of your feelings, and who’ll help you get back on your feet again.
Good friends are vital! They can all offer different kinds of support: a shoulder to cry on, a great night out or entertaining company that makes you cry with laughter.
Stop torturing yourself
At first, wear that T-shirt or jumper your ex loved and left behind. It can soothe and comfort you when the hurt seems too much to bear.
But! You will have to let go of that eventually. Trust that you will know when it’s time to donate that particular item to the charity shop!
Should you stay in touch with your ex and remain friends?
It’s totally understandable that you just want to hear their voice. You want to see them, be with them, and you long to feel their touch.
However, the harsh reality is: the relationship is over.
You can’t be friends with someone who you may feel has dealt you such a grievous blow.
And you can’t go from being lovers to being pals if you didn’t see the end of this relationship coming.
Don’t agree to make love with your ex for any reason whatsoever. Listen to the story you tell yourself when you’re tempted – it’s a false one! I totally understand you may see it as a great opportunity to feel close again. You may even think (or perhaps have been made to believe!) that it could heal your relationship. However, you’re likely to end up feeling even worse afterwards.
Dividing Your possessions
You may need to negotiate on the division of your belongings. If your ex is kindly inclined, sympathetic to your pain and understanding of your need to discuss it more, you can do it in person. However, if not – do it by email.
Sharing time with your children
Of course, the two of you may need to stay in touch if you have children. For more information, help, and guidance, see my articles:
Trying to stay in touch through apps and calls
Beyond the above, don’t keep contacting him or her. You’re likely to set yourself up for further disappointments and simply prolong the agony!
I totally get that you’re feeling desperate, want to know why they broke up with you, can’t understand how they can be so uncaring, why they’re not responding, etc.
However, I’d like you to really think about your dignity. You are a star in your own right! You are worthy of true love. So, if you happen to be suffering from low self-esteem, it’s time to do something about that.
I highly recommend you connect with an online counsellor, it’s so easy these days! It’s a paid service, but the best.
Alternatively, use self-hypnosis with the aid of a hypnosis download – it’s super user-friendly and affordable. See my article: Hypnosis FAQ and downloads for further information.
Getting over a breakup faster
Here’s what helps:
3 TIPS TO HELP YOU HEAL FROM A PAINFUL BREAKUP
- Don’t hold on to reminders
Jewellery, clothes, photos, etc. are all receptors and containers of memories. Pack them away (or return them to your ex as soon as possible). It’s okay to look at them or hold them every now and then… but don’t build a shrine to your relationship. If you have children, be considerate of their feelings. Anything you or your children don’t want to keep you can ditch – in stages if you need to. There’s no need to do it all at once. You can let go of all that stuff completely when you’re ready.
- You decide when it’s time to move on
Don’t expect to be over it when other people tell you it’s time to move on. You’ll know yourself when you need to reach out for help because you feel you’re still stuck in the pain and grief of it all.
- Don’t buy into any gossip
Don’t allow yourself to be guided, distracted or upset by people with ill-intent or who thrive on gossip and other people’s misfortunes.
For more information, tips and advice on getting over someone
… see also:
Part 1, Part 2 of How to forget someone
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