How to interpret body language respectfully and effectively
This article on interpreting body language follows the page on Body Language Signs. Here, I hope to help you interpret the signals of the mouth, face, hands and other general body language signs. I've also included a short film from Urban Theory Films to help you along.
Of course, my primary aim (as with every article on this site) is to provide expert relationship advice. Improving your ability to read your partner's body language will help to increase your emotional intelligence as well as your communication skills.
Oh, and just in case... when it comes to understanding body language, remember to be curious, and aim to understand rather than judge. In other words, don't jump to conclusions, because it's all too easy to misinterpret what you're seeing!
An overview of body language signs
How body language conveys feelings
Sentences - the words you speak in order - convey information. The tone, speed and passion with which you express the words all reveal something of your actual feelings (which are lurking behind the message).
Body language is about feelings alone. Often, you can't help but reveal yourself and neither can your partner. You may try really hard not to show what you're feeling, but somehow it leaks out anyway. Your partner is bound to catch on to that - if not consciously then unconsciously, and of course the same happens for you too.
Nevertheless, it's really easy to misinterpret what you see. So, I'm hoping to help you out here.
Important tips to keep in mind...
Watch the video below then read through the rest of this article, and revisit the film once you've done so.
Language without words
Well ... just have a look at this very revealing short film. It was written and directed by Mike Collins and his company Urban Theory Films.
Watch it and think about it. Can you tell the story?
Of course you can! You know what it's all about - yet not a word is spoken!
We're born with a communication template to build upon so that we can continue to increase our ability to relate to other people. Right from birth, we're able to engage with our caregivers to entice them to keep us safe, feed us and teach us.
Therefore, all the knowledge you need to interpret body language is stored safely in your unconscious mind. Some of it will have been downloaded from your DNA, though you may have lost touch with part of it.
Now that we've looked at an overview of body language and how it can convey feelings, let's take a closer look at some of the individual signs you can look out for.
Interpreting body language: eyes and eyebrows
What can you learn from your partner's - or anybody's - eyes? Oh ... masses! Here we go:
Relaxed and at ease
Your partner shows an interest in you as he/she effortlessly makes and breaks eye contact. You're likely to feel at ease.
Women can go a little doe-eyed if they're interested in a potential partner. They'll also tilt their head slightly as they listen.
You may feel uncomfortable if your partner stares at you, depending on his/her intent. It's likely to feel great if it's accompanied by a gentle and inviting smile. But you're bound to feel ill at ease if, at the same time, they invade your personal space in an aggressive manner. And... you'll feel threatened if they do so whilst also being verbally abusive.
Your partner could also be lying if they're staring at you. You may want to enquire further if it's not a normal behaviour for them.
If you and your partner are having a conversation and they look sideways at other people, you don't necessarily need to interpret that as a lack of interest in you. Looking sideways also happens whilst someone is processing what's being said - their eyes will be more dreamy or trance like.
When someone rolls their eyes upwards, you know they're thinking something like: "Oh for goodness' sake", or "That is so stupid". It can feel dismissive and undermining. It's definitely a communication spoiler.
Looking away diagonally
This is a natural way of breaking eye contact. It can mean the other person is reflecting on something you've just said.
This may show sadness, hopelessness or giving up on the conversation. This isn't a great sign, particularly if the two of you have been arguing and you've been trying to win. Know that either one of you may have won the battle, but that doesn't mean you've won the war. Arguments like these can be very damaging for a relationship.
Looking down can also be a sign or an admission of guilt.
This definitely is a sign that someone's interested. Winking often happens unconsciously. It kind of says: "you and I know without saying that we're on the same wavelength". Or: "You see, I told you so!"
Lack of eye contact
We tend to feel uncomfortable if someone we're talking to makes little eye contact. It's as if they don't want to acknowledge us. However, people on the autistic spectrum can find it excruciatingly difficult to make eye contact. Here too, it's important to consider cultural differences.
Lack of eye contact can also mean that someone is feeling embarrassed or guilty.
Size of pupils
You can be sure someone is attracted to you if their pupils are enlarged. That is... if they don't feel physically threatened (as fear is also a cause of enlarged pupils). If their pupils are very enlarged it could be a sign that they are sexually aroused!
You know when those eyebrows come together you're in the dog house!
Conversely, if your partner's eyebrows are pulled up as they open their eyes wide whilst looking at you - and smiling - they may well be flirting with you.
What you can learn about the shoulders
How you hold your shoulders says a lot about how you feel. How far are your shoulders pulled back? Are they hunched up, tightly held against the body, or bent forward?
Feeling uncomfortable around other people? Lacking a bit of confidence? Just for a moment, stand upright, pull your shoulders straight and smile. Notice how lifting your shoulders also lifts your mood. Notice how people who look and sound confident normally have their shoulders straight.
Shoulders pulled backwards
Shoulders pulled right back could be read as arrogant. However, it may be the body language of someone who's attempting to hide their lack of confidence.
Rounded and hunched
Shoulders pulled forward and up may betray a lack of confidence and self-esteem, discomfort or unhappiness. Rounded shoulders can also be a sign of disappointment, apathy, hopelessness, depression or resignation.
How about our faces, or the way we walk?
Every part of the body plays a role in communicating something about how we're feeling. Our faces, our postures and the way we walk can give subtle hints to an observant onlooker.
The language of the face
Soft, moist lips and a mouth slightly open with a relaxed jaw are signs of sexual interest. Licking and biting lips are sexually provocative actions, says Mike Carter, a body language specialist.
Tight lips can be a sign of disapproval. Pulling lips tight and biting them can be a sign that someone's trying to hide something - almost as if they're trying to prevent a piece of information from slipping out.
It's very hard to fake a smile. A faked smile doesn't reach the eyes. A real smile doesn't only turn up the corners of your mouth but it involves your eyes too.
Some people blush very easily - even at the most minor embarrassments. Blushing can also be a sign of guilt. If your partner doesn't normally blush easily, be suspicious when you notice a flushing of his/her face. He/she may feel caught out! Have a look at my page on Infidelity Warning Signs for more on this.
Interpreting other body language signs
Swaggering can be interpreted as a sign of arrogance (or intoxication of course!). It's rather a macho sign, just as sitting with legs apart is too.
Swaying of hips
Well... this is a sign women have used since ancient times to attract a mate for procreation. Men (and some women) take notice of hips for that very reason.
This can be a defensive sign - either angry or protective. It can feel threatening too. If someone's puffed up their chest and folded their arms you can rightfully feel ill at ease.
Of course, you can also fold your arms if you're sitting or standing comfortably. Just be aware of how someone else may interpret that, though - rightly or wrongly.
How do you feel about a limp handshake? Does it make you feel wanted or acknowledged? Do you feel that the person shaking your hand is really interested in you? I doubt it. The message is - shake someone's hand like you're really interested. Look them in the eyes (if culturally acceptable) and smile. Shake no more than about 3 times and don't squeeze too hard either. Or... you might just want to hold on a little longer. ;-)
An open hand, with the palm slightly turned up, is inviting - this is great for the start of a meeting, letting someone know you're interested, welcoming them or perhaps finding them attractive. A closed hand is more grounding and confirming - great for shaking on a deal.
If you notice someone briefly touch the back of their arms, their nose, ear, mouth or neck, it's likely that they're feeling uncomfortable. Touch like that creates a brief sense of comfort and security. Can you make them feel more at ease?
Do they keep touching you gently? Then they're interested in or attracted to you and wanting to be closer. Your response, of course, will depend on how keen you are to close the gap. If you like them and would like to explore the relationship further, then very gently and briefly touch them every now and then.
Be careful, though - it's far more natural for women to do that. If you, as a man, keep touching a woman too much or too early, your advances may well be very quickly rejected.
If the two of you are already in a relationship, get to know the love language of your partner. What precisely do they like and what don't they like? What makes them feel loved?
How proficient do you feel now in reading body language?
Now you know how to interpret body language. Watch the video again and have a go at answering the following questions...
- What specific body language signs did you notice that showed she was definitely not interested?
- What did you notice about the guy that told you that he felt beaten?
- How did you know he was lacking in confidence? What did you notice about his shoulders when the second girl arrived?
- What did that tell you?
The best way to practice and interpret body language is by ensuring that you're calm and focused on the other person. If you're self-conscious and/or self-obsessed you're unlikely to make the grade.
So, start off with yourself. Is there something else you need to do to help you feel more at ease with other people? HypnosisDownloads (via my page hypnosis FAQ) has all the right self-hypnosis downloads you could wish for to become more confident and a better communicator.
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