The 4-step plan to deal with your spouse’s shopping addiction

What to do when your partner or spouse is addicted to shopping

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

Do you suspect that your partner has a shopping addiction? Worried you’re seeing all the signs of a shopaholic out of control? Perhaps they’ve even maxed out on their credit cards.

Maybe you’ve only just discovered the extent of your partner’s shopping habits. They may have been hiding stuff from you and lying about money, so now you’re not entirely sure what you’re dealing with.

If you’re not sure your partner is addicted to shopping, hop over to Part 1 of this series of articles to learn about the symptoms of a shopping addiction. I’ll be here when you come back, ready to help you out with practical guidance and advice by way of my 4-step plan to deal with your spouse’s shopping addiction.

Chances are, though, you’ve already tried talking to your partner about the problem. You might have confronted them with the bills, the unfairness, your worries about the finances, their neglected responsibilities and the state of your relationship.

Whatever your situation, I’d love you to read all three articles in this series so you get a good insight into how serious the problem is.

Common excuses

I’m assuming now that you’ve read Part 1 and Part 2, and that your partner indeed seems to be addicted to shopping.

When you first raised the matter with your partner, husband or wife, I expect they were very defensive. Doubtless, they tried to make you feel you’re wrong.

• “Are you accusing me?”
• “Don’t be silly.”
• “It’s all in your mind.”
• “You’re mean with money.”
• “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
• “Are you saying that I’m lying?”
• “You’ve never trusted me.”

But now you know different.

However, your partner may also have been relieved that you’ve finally discovered their secret. Regardless of your situation, let’s talk about what to do now – let me help you to help them.

What is the general state of your relationship?

This might sound harsh, but I suspect it’s not good. Your relationship problems may be general in nature or you might be convinced the problems are caused by your partner’s shopping addiction.

As a relationship therapist, I doubt the latter though. Chances are the two of you have been arguing more than you’d like to admit with each of you blaming the other.

Therefore, I’d love you to also read the following articles:

• The reasons the two of you argue all the time
• How to argue better in a relationship
• How to stop arguing about money

Now for my 4-step plan to help you deal with your spouse’s shopping addiction.

4-step plan to help your spouse overcome their shopping addiction

Here’s how I’ll cover the steps you can take:

1. Discover how you really can have a calm and honest conversation with your partner
2. What to do to secure your finances
3. How to help your spouse to control their cravings to shop
4. How to help you both to re-engage with a life worth living as a couple.

Step 1 – Have a calm and honest conversation with your partner

The two of you need to have a really truthful conversation. This is going to be a tough one, I suspect.

Start by reading the following two articles, so that you at least remain cool, calm and collected. I wouldn’t want you to fall into common communication traps that would stall this important first step right off the bat.

• How to argue fairly
• Signs of emotional abuse (Yes… just in case. I don’t know you and I need to include that just in case you might automatically repeat unhelpful behaviour counterproductive to solving the problem.)
• All about toxic shame.

Remember, your partner is suffering too, an addiction is an illness and really difficult to tackle. They are really struggling with their brain’s drive to repeat the behaviour.

Remember, all of us are at risk of falling into an addiction trap. As human beings, we tend to want more and better which helps us to advance and achieve. Think how far we’ve come since the days of stone implements, for example. Unfortunately, it also puts us at risk of developing addictions.

So, however challenging for you, your partner needs your kindness and understanding, but also firm boundaries! That is the only way you’re going to help them beat their addiction.

Back to that conversation – here’s what to do…

Show that you care and be reassuring

Say things like: 

• “I’ve read up on this, and I have gained some insight into how much you must have been struggling.”
• “Of course, I feel angry/disappointed/hurt/betrayed” (they do need to know how you feel)
• “Know that I’m not judging you. Let’s get to the truth now.”

See my article on how to be an emotionally supportive spouse.

Get the full story

Listen, listen, listen, don’t interrupt, nor talk over them. Repeat what they’re saying in your own words to make sure that you’ve understood as much as you can. Reflecting back what they’ve said will help your partner feel secure in the knowledge that you’ve really heard them. It also helps them to understand themselves.

To encourage this process, say things like:

• “Can you help me understand better what’s going on for you?”
• “I’m not sure I understand. Can you say a little more about that?”
• “Have I understood correctly? Do you mean…..?”
• “Take a deep breath, you’re getting angry. Anger is okay, but… [shouting and talking over me] isn’t.”

Challenge them if necessary

Calmly confront them if necessary:

• “That doesn’t tally with what I see in the bank balance/bills/house, etc”
• “I need you to be honest because that’s the only way I can really help you”
• “I can’t trust that that’s going to work right now. Let’s look at a different way to approach this.”

Agree on the action steps

Here’s how you can move the conversation on…

• “What do you suggest would be the best way forward from your point of view?”
• “How can I best help you?”
• “I’d like us to agree on how we’re going to deal with the finances/chores/etc.”
• “Here’s what I’d like to see happening.”
• “Here’s what I need you to be doing so that I feel more secure.”

Of course, one of the first things you’ll need to do together is to look at the finances…

Step 2 – Secure your finances

You’ll need to consider what you can do to ensure that your partner can only purchase essentials. It would be easy for this to cause a major row.

Be sure, therefore, to first ask your partner how they would like to tackle this. That’s how you’ll give them at least some control over the situation. It will avoid triggering their defences to such an extent that they’re going to dig in their heels and stop all cooperation. A sense of control is a very basic but essential human need (more on that later).

Here are some action steps to consider:

• Make limited funds available, ideally in cash
• Contact the credit card companies and the bank to explain the difficulties
• Cut up unnecessary cards
• Contact a debt agency if necessary
• Consider having one bank account for all the regular bills and have them paid by direct debit

Step 3 – Help your partner to control their cravings and compulsion to buy

If you’ve read Part 2: The best shopping addiction treatments, you already know a little about what your partner or spouse can do to deal with that craving to buy, buy, buy.

1. Keep in mind that the impulse to buy is a very powerful drive to overcome. Be careful, therefore, not to add to the burden of guilt and shame your partner is already likely to feel. Any contempt or criticism would undermine their trust in you and derail their recovery.
2. Make it possible for your partner to come to you and confess (if they need to) so that you can work on the problem together by remaining understanding and calm. That way, you can help them find strategies with which they’re willing to cooperate while also keeping the communication channels open.
3. Tell them how you feel about it and what the consequences are. Not only for your sake but also for theirs. They do need to be confronted with the impact of their shopping addiction.
4. Call out any untruths they tell themselves and you to justify their next purchase.
5. Check with yourself daily that you’re not too controling.

Step 4 in dealing with your spouse’s addiction to shopping

Help your partner re-engage with a life worth living

That means helping your partner to heal. This is also how you’re going to be healed as well. I doubt that your needs have been fully met for a long time.

Restoring the balance in your relationship

As I mentioned earlier, having a sense of control is an essential human need. You’re both feeling pretty much out of control now – for different reasons. So, creating some order in your finances, home and social life will help you both to feel a little calmer and in control.

Right now, the balance of power in your relationship is awry, for obvious reasons. Therefore, therefore it would be really helpful to make an inventory of all that is working well in your relationship. Remind each other why you fell in love and what you like about the love of your life.

Your relationship is (should be) more than dealing with your spouse’s shopping addiction.

Fun, friendship and laughter instead of only dealing with your spouse’s compulsion to shop

I suspect that fun, friendships and laughter have all been neglected or have completely disappeared from your relationship lately. Money’s likely to be a problem, so going out may not be on the cards for you for some time.

However, you can have a midnight picnic in the park or make breakfast stark-naked. I know, that might not be for you. Be creative together and come up with a plan of action to reintroduce that sense of fun – it’s an essential human need!

Giving and receiving positive attention, instead of criticism, contempt or stonewalling

You were born with the essential emotional need to give and receive attention – in balance. To neglect that need means you’re neglecting your and your spouse’s overall well-being.

Consider now how much attention you give your mobile and compare it with how much your partner is getting, and vice versa.

Take the time to talk about this subject and together come up with ways to address any disbalance and/or neglect.

Get professional help

Your partner may need professional help. You can really support them by encouraging (not forcing) them to go for it. You could start by sharing the link to Part 1 of this article, for example. Later, you can help them find appropriate services (see Part 2).

Ultimately, seeking help needs to be their decision. As a professional therapist, I’ve found that on the whole clients are less likely to be motivated to engage with the therapy if they’ve been given an ultimatum.

However, one option is to suggest that you’d like to talk about going for couple counselling. That way, your partner doesn’t have to feel like they’re in it alone.

By going together, you’ll have made a mutual decision to get some professional help. You can connect with a couples coach online or enquire locally.

Face-to-face therapy can be very expensive, though, to some extent depending on where you live. Online therapy is a much more affordable and accessible option.

Don’t be afraid to consider also if your relationship or marriage is really strong enough to survive, or if it’s time to take a break or ask for a divorce.

Finally, in dealing with your partner’s shopping addiction

Being in a relationship with an addict of any kind can feel very lonely. So be sure to take your own needs into consideration too.

Unless you take care of your own well-being, you won’t be able to offer your partner the support they need to get through this. Aim to invest some energy in the things that bring you joy or that feel restorative to you.

There is much you can do to help and support your partner. But remember that you can’t cure them of their shopping addiction, as much as you might wish to.

So, in dealing with your spouse’s shopping addiction, walk beside them as it were as they travel the road to recovery. 

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3