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Relationship problem?

Advice from a couple counsellor

Relationship problem advice Relationship communication can be really tricky! To effectively deal with a relationship problem, advice needs to include help with communication - even though there are likely to be other aspects of the relationship needing attention.

You may be hurt, and amazed that after frequent explanations your spouse or girl/boyfriend still does not 'get it'! You have repeated the same thing over and over again and it now only causes arguments.

Even when we seem to be getting through, we often feel disappointed again later, when we discover that nothing has really changed. I hope I can help you with your relationship issues.

Relationship problems Start with this page, but do then explore others too. Have a look at the site map to see what might apply to your personal situation.

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What could be underlying your relationship problem?

You are viewing the world, other people, and yourself through a 'template'.

Your own personal template is shaped by your age, gender, culture, health, previous experiences, etc. It determines what meaning you attach to whatever is going on around you and the words/phrases other people use.

You are likely to want to surround yourself with people who are of similar ilk as you. They unconsciously confirm that your way of seeing things is the right way.

The books you read, the TV programmes you watch and the music you listen to, all confirm that too. You are constantly filtering out information that does not fit with how you see yourself, without even knowing.Why does he/she not understand?

Your personal 'template' shapes your understanding of the words, sentences, phrases you hear.

On top of that a word is only a symbol for what is going round in somebody's head. Your 'translation' of that symbol may not come anywhere near what the other person really meant. No wonder you and/or your partner misunderstand so often and you find yourselves with a relationship problem. Advice from a professional counsellor can make all the difference, as he/she can explain and 'translate' for you both.

EXERCISE

Ask your partner to think of an object a chair, a tree, a house, a flower, or any other object (paying attention to colours, fragrance, texture, and sounds). Do the same yourself.

Describe in turn what you saw. How did the images, smells, sounds and textures differ? What were the similarities?

What have you learned about your relationship communication (link to my page) and your relationship problems?
Advice on this page won't be enough to sort it. Do visit other pages too.

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The princess and the knight in shining armour

When you first met your partner/spouse you were really relating to a fantasy - you 'edited out' information about him/her with your template.

Relationship problem advice You did not reveal all yourself either - in some sense you presented yourself as 'the princess' or 'the knight'.

Relationship problems creep in when you both think you are talking about the same things. However, each of you is prone to missing masses of information - you may in effect as well be speaking in different languages!

Your conversations are based on assumptions you have unwittingly made. You assume what your husband/wife/partner means, as per your own understanding of the world around you. You are confusing the 'map' with the 'territory'.

You will reach the point when you can no longer ignore the hidden stuff in your partner or continue to hide what we choose not to reveal. Slowly you each become aware of what and who you are really dealing with. Only then can you begin to accept, reject, challenge (don't complain - that is so unproductive!) and/or negotiate.

In a 'good enough' relationship the observing, learning and communicating about what is "inside your head" is a continuous process. You are fine-tuning your template by trial and error, into something more realistic and mature.

Respectfully accept that you are both different

You are unlikely to ever feel, think, communicate, love in the same way, because you are genetically, biologically and psychologically different.

The best advice for relationship problems I can give you is to check, with yourself and your partner, what assumptions you may have made - particularly when you feel he/she has upset you!

EXERCISE

Each write down the first five words that come to mind when you think about the words: love, closeness, intimacy, fairness, happiness

Did you both write down the same words? If you wrote down different words - your internal representations of the initial word are different. No wonder you misunderstand each other. It is not a problem that can't be overcome - it happens to us all. You just need to be aware. Always check that you really understand what your spouse/partner means.

Words like 'love' and 'happiness' don't mean anything, until you attach a meaning to them. They lack detail: who does what, exactly where and when.

Are you are struggling to make sense of your relationship problem? Advice on other pages will help and you can contact me to arrange for counselling or coaching. It can really help turn things around for you, clear your head and understand what is going on.

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