The causes of divorce

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There are many ‘causes’ of divorce.  Here I have listed common reasons that contribute to a marriage failing.  The list is based on my experience as a couple counsellor during the last 20 years and the reasons I have come to see as leading to divorce.  Do also read my page on relationship problems.

I have found that usually there is a combination of factors that cause a divorce.  Your situation, however, is different from everybody else's and will have common, as well as very personal aspects.

Certainly - as a couple you don’t live in a vacuum, you are part of- and contribute to everything around you.  Without a doubt changes in society, gender roles, community integration, values and beliefs and the law, all have had an impact.

If you have landed here, because you are considering divorcing your spouse, but are still doubtful that you are doing the right thing, you may find this end relationship/compatibility test helpful.

The only reason for a divorce - UK law

The court will want to know that your marriage has 'irretrievably broken down'.  This you need to prove by one or more of the following 'facts':

• adultery (see: dealing with infidelity) and intolerability
• unreasonable behaviour
• desertion for at least two years
• separation for at least two years - with partner's agreement
• you and your wife/husband have lived apart for at least five years

Read on to find out what I think might have contributed to any of these facts or could be the causes of divorce.

What are the ‘causes’ for divorce?

I know that you may be desperate to find out what ‘caused’ your relationship/marriage to go wrong.

However, right now you would do well not to fret about that too much.  Keep your energy to deal with the changes ahead - changes in how and where you live, your finances, how you engage with your children, friends and family - all factors that contribute to your own mental well-being.

'Knowing' what caused your divorce, does not necessarily lead to a better recovery!  Only once you are through the early stages might you want to reflect more deeply about that caused your marriage/relationship to break down.

If you are still trying to save your marriage, I would of course suggest couple/relationship counselling.  However, there is a cost and of course your husband/wife might not want to go either.  Try therefore Save Your Marriage Today.  You can use that programme even if your spouse is not interested.

Nevertheless, I have listed what in my view are some of the causes of divorce.

The causes of divorce: 14 common factors

The following are only contributing factors to the breakdown of a relationship/marriage.  They may simply be symptoms of underlying problems.  The symptoms of these 'causes of divorce' are likely to be linked too.

I have listed these causes of divorce in no particular order:

• Infidelity, including internet relationships
• significant differences in values and beliefs
• life stages – you have ‘outgrown’ each other
• traumatic and/or life-changing events - these often are particularly tragic causes for divorce
• responses to prolonged periods of stress, such as work-related stress, long-term illness, mental health issues, financial problems, etc.
• important emotional needs not being met
• boredom with your relationship or with 'life'
• treating each other with contempt - no surprise there
  
• domestic violence
• addictions (see stages of alcoholism)
  
• knowing you should not have got married in the first place
• lack of responsibility and unrealistic expectations - one of the 'can't be bothered' causes of divorce
  
• lack of support for you as a couple from people that matter to you
• lack of communication about important matters
• perceived lack of concern, care and consideration - one of the big causes of divorce as presented in my counselling experience

My guess is that you can pick out several of these causes of divorce.  Your reason to divorce are likely to include factors that are very personal to you.

8 Common factors that increase hurt and anger

Distress is multiplied many times by certain unhelpful actions and behaviours.

I am so glad that you are taking the time to find out about the emotional ramifications of divorce!  It hopefully means that you are unlikely to engage in any of these negative actions/behaviours.

The following behaviours are contributing factors to the above causes of divorce.  Not only do they create more distress for people around you, but they also make things more difficult for you both:

• blaming your partner, your lawyer, you in-laws, the other man/woman, etc.
• treating your partner with contempt
• revenge – wanting to hurt your soon to be ‘ex’
• setting your children up against your wife/husband/partner
• delaying tactics
• arriving unannounced on the doorstep
• visiting, texting, telephoning, emailing, when you know you shouldn’t
• talking badly of your partner to friends, family and work colleagues (don't forget that at some point the two of you may decide to give your marriage another chance!)

How to limit your distress

It is tempting to blame your partner, yourself, someone else or ‘the situation’.  However, blaming would increase your sense of helplessness, create more conflict, damage your children and ultimately fatten your solicitor’s wallet!

The hypnosis download Soothing the bitterness of divorce will help you get through without thinking that you are 'going mad'.  I am happy to report that HypnosisDownload are a fantastic company - I know their products personally.  I can tell you that at the very least, you will feel more relaxed and will sleep better.

This download will help you ditch that rucksack with hurt and bitterness you are carrying.  That can only mean that you are going to have more energy to recover and do better things with your life.

Once you begin to calm down

I know this is unlikely to happen early on, but over time try to take responsibility for the role you played in your marriage - without judgment - if only for the fact that you choose/married your husband/spouse!

Dare to own up, graciously if you can, to your ‘contribution’ - at least to yourself if not to your partner.  That will help you to feel a little more in control and move on a little quicker.

Finally

Common reasons for and causes of divorce matter not to you personally.  What does matter is that you and your family get through this difficult time relatively unscathed.

Try to think of a reason why you want to get through with the least amount of damage to everybody involved.  What will it be?  What will cause you to keep strong when the going is tough?  How can you come through all this with your head held high?

You may also be interested in:	Food affects your mood!
Relationship communication Surviving infidelity Natural sleeping remedies Bored in your relationship? Divorce tips

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Other useful links:

Directgov - Getting a divorce
Journal of Family Issues - study on motives for divorce

Images courtesy of: 1 & 3 Elvis Santana; 2 Kriss Skurlatowski; 4 tlst

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