Problems with your sexual relationship

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Is your sexual relationship all but non-existent?

Find out how to deal with the difficulties, before it starts to cause major problems in your relationship/marriage - if it hasn't already. Sexual problems

By the time my clients come to see me for counselling the lack of sex may have led to all kinds of other problems in their relationship. Equally - a relationship with significant communication problems - see my page on relationship communication (links further down) may lead to a loss in desire, often particularly in women. Men more often want to have sex to get to feel closer to their partner and this may well be misinterpreted by their partners!

Whatever your gender, a lack of sex could lead to your feeling really rejected, sad, hurt, disappointed, frustrated and angry. So - go ahead and do something positive about it.

Frustration and anger?

Resentment, anger, frustration and hurt are a real barrier to a loving, satisfying sexual relationship. I would want you to do all you can to address any relationship problems. It really does not help to push your partner to make love more often, if you feel that he/she is 'lacking' in some way or other. Neither is it useful to avoid discussing your sexual relationship or becoming too emotional about it, as neither contribute to your getting the problem sorted!

Sexual arousal a problem for one or both of you?

Sexual arousal is a very complex process - like every other function in the body. It involves your brain and nervous system, hormones, blood vessels, muscles as well as your emotions. Problems with any of these can have an effect on your sexual desire.

The process of improving your libido, first and foremost involves ensuring overall physical, mental and emotional well-being. I know - it is disappointing that there isn't a 'quick fix'.

The first step in increasing your libido

Arrousal If sex is the cause of your relationship difficulties I would really like you to see your family doctor first. I want to ensure that you rule out any medical problems.

Dealing with all of the following can help to enhance your libido.

Let him/her help by:

reviewing your antidepressants (if prescribed)
reviewing your medication for high blood pressure (if prescribed)
dealing with any pain
finding the cause of erectile dysfunction and treating it (we will be considering asking a psychosexual therapist for help later)
difficulties with ejaculation
treating any illness. Stop procrastinating!
fatigue - though there are very likely things you can do yourself
fear of pregnancy: contraception
dealing with any traumatic experience
dealing with depression and stress

For any problems with your mental and emotional well-being, explore this site to get further information.

What you can do yourself

To learn how to improve your libido, be sure to visit: How to increase libido for women and How to increase male libido part 1 and part 2: Low male libido.

Questions about hypnosis? See: Hypnosis online FAQ.

How good is your ‘physical’ relationship

Your physical relationship involves much more than ‘full’ sex. It is part of the 'dance' of communication between two people who love each other. Of course there are occasions when people decide to spend some time together and have sex, but these pages are not specifically targeted to that audience.

Your 'physical' relationship as part of a loving, committed couple relationship, includes enjoying touching, stroking and massaging each other; it is kissing and cuddling. All this can and should be part of your relationship without the expectation of it leading to sex.

I would really encourage you to invest in being 'physical' in other ways - it so improves foreplay too when you become skillful at it.

A gentle note of caution!

Very often there is a decline in intimacy, when one of you thinks a simple kiss may mean that he (most often male, though not necessarily) is 'in luck' and therefore pushes for more.

This results in the woman (but can of course be the man) shying away from any form of intimacy to avoid that. One is hurt by the rejection, the other fearful of the confrontation - an ever increasing vicious circle.

Overcoming your shyness

Many people see it as a failure having to consult someone for help with sexual problems. If you are finding it particularly hard to talk about sex and/or you are very shy, it may help to do some general reading on the subject first. Reading will help you to become more comfortable with the language of sex.

There is a super hypnosis download for dealing with feeling shy naked from HypnosisDownloads - a really trustworthy company. I would suggest you start with that. You would set yourself up for failure if you try to sort out any sexual problems before you actually feel comfortable naked - and not only in the dark!

8 Questions about sex - for couples

It may be that you find talking about sex really difficult, so having a 'proper conversation' about sex within the context of a loving relationship may seem ever so daunting. If so - I can help you along a bit. Below is a list of questions that will help you give your conversation about sex a focus. Once you get the hang of it and you've got to know how your partner ticks a bit better, you may feel more confident to talk about whatever sexual problem is troubling you. So, here goes:

How did you learn about sex?
Who exactly told you what, where and when?
What were your parents’ attitudes to sex?
Have you played any games that had a sexual element with your siblings/friends, as a child?
What was your first sexual experience like?
Were you in love? Was it just for sex?
Were you, as a teenager able to confide in anyone about sex?
What is your attitude towards your own body, hygiene, health, menstruation, pregnancy, contraception, fantasies, etc.?

What next?

Sex a problem, but relationship fine? Contact a psychosexual therapist (BASRT - the British Association for Sexual and Relationship Therapy).
Relationship in trouble? Contact me. Counselling, coaching or hypnotherapy can really help you to move forward. Imagine the relief you’ll feel when you get that problem sorted!
Check the side effects of any medication you are taking. Your drug maybe your problem.

Not sure about your relationship - stay or leave? This end of relationship quiz can help to make the right decision.

Fine-tune your relationship and lift your spirits!

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