This page has information and links for surviving infidelity - for all parties. Whether you are the adulterer/'the other woman or man', the 'wronged' party or their partners will find the right help for surviving and overcoming infidelity.
Discover, what to do if you are caught up in an affair and/or have been caught cheating. How to cope after an affair - how to deal with your and your partner's reactions and feelings, as well as how to recover and heal.
Further to what you find here about how to get over an affair, I have written articles with more specific information about getting over an affair, depending on what has happened to you. You'll find the links further down. However, do make sure you read this page on surviving infidelity first.
If you just want the right information now to rescue your relationship and know more about overcoming infidelity - then find out how you can save your relationship/marriage with a step-by-step programme by Lee Baucom, PhD.
If you are having an affair, surviving infidelity means first of all considering the impact of the secrecy on your primary relationship and what is likely to happen if you are being found out.
However careful you think you might be - the likelihood is that your infidelity will come to light. The skeleton is very likely fall out of the cupboard at some time during your life, and believe me - there never is a 'good' time.
For you to survive your infidelity, you will need to seriously think about either ending that affair or begin the long process of ending your primary relationship. A note of caution though: you may be suffering from an addiction, rather than truly having met the love of your life!
For sure, whilst your emotions are heightened you're going to find it difficult to think straight. So, I have sourced an excellent hypnosis download (have a look at the stress relief ones on my hypnosis faq page) that will help to calm and relax deeply, so that you can begin to see the wood for the trees again.
With a quiet mind you'll have a better sense of the longer-term impact of your infidelity. You'll more likely to see and face up to what needs to be done to overcome your infidelity.
If your primary relationship or marriage is no longer satisfying, joyful and life-enhancing, then consider seeking professional help from someone like me - a trained and experienced couple counsellor.
If you are absolutely sure that there is no hope of recovery, then you really do need to consider ending your marriage/relationship - gracefully. Take the time and give it the attention it needs to make it a 'good' ending. If you are just not sure what to do - my Stay or Walk Away questionnaire can help.
I have also written several articles about how to end relationships. You will benefit from doing it well and so will your partner or spouse (who may be the mother or father of your children).
If you have children, managing a considerate ending will make a big difference to their emotional well-being. See my other articles on endings. (Sitemap).
You may still be reeling from the shock of finding out and will want to know all about overcoming infidelity. Surviving infidelity can mean needing help, advice and support - if only to get those disturbing images of your spouse/partner with the other woman/man out of your mind.
I am hoping to offer you that right here. Stick with me
and explore these pages to see you through this difficult time.
“Why did he/she do that?” is the question you would probably want me to answer most. This is invariably asked of a partner who has either disclosed an affair, or has been found out to be having an affair.
Dr Helen fisher is a biological anthropologist - she says that there are thee circuits in the brain: one for lust (testosterone), one for attachment (oxytocin) and one for romantic love (dopamine). Theoretically, anyone can feel romantically and addictively in love with someone, whilst thinking about sex with someone else and feeling really close and attached to another person. In reality the three are likely to overlap to some extent.
However, often the answer to 'why' is: “I don’t know; it just happened - we were just friends - he/she made me feel good about myself - I could talk to him/her” or - “it did not really mean anything”. Your partner may also totally deny the/she is having an affair. If you want to survive the affair - my advice is first of all to really take care of yourself. You are going to need all your resources to heal.
If you still love your partner and you want to win him/her back, check out: How to get your ex back. I have done a review of The Magic of Making Up, which was written for people whose partner had already left. However, under the circumstances, I think you will really benefit from reading it.
Your reactions - your thoughts and feelings - will depend somewhat on whether your discovery of the infidelity was a total shock or you had been suspicious for some time (see signs of infidelity).
To get over the affair it will help for you to know what you can expect. At various stages, it is not unusual to:
Surviving infidelity and overcoming infidelity means taking things one step at a time and not being hard on yourself for feeling the way you do. The best advice I would give you if you were in my counselling room wanting to know how to get over an affair, would be to be gentle with yourself. You have had a shock and you need to give yourself a little time.
It is very understandable that you are feeling down. That doesn't need to mean that you are suffering from depression. However, do the following describe you:
If so, I would really like you do something now to avoid complicating your recovery from everything that has happened.
I have done all the research for you and found that the downloadable hypnotherapy products from HypnosisDownloads are the most effective and user-friendly, I highly recommend them. They have a team of experts on the treatment of depression. Click here to learn more on my Hypnosis FAQ page.
Maybe it will help too for you to know that you are grieving for the loss of your relationship - as it was, for the loss of trust and for the loss of your partner as you think he/she was.
It is going to take time for you to get over that, just like when
someone close to you dies.
I also really like Native Remedies, they have a special remedy I think is just right for you: Melancholy Lift. It relieves sadness, soothes and calms grief and weepiness.
I suspect that you have trouble sleeping too, so please try this proven remedy: SerenitePlus.
The shock of the discovery of infidelity usually causes a huge emotional crisis, particularly if you have caught your partner, husband or wife cheating. You end up in a kind of trance state with your attention completely locked on the problem!
Your emotional brain (limbic system) is in charge, which makes it difficult to think straight. Therefore right now it is a really bad time to make life-changing decisions.
Initially surviving infidelity means nothing more than letting the fog rise. Give yourself at least a couple of weeks to just calm down a bit. Only when you start to feel a little better, can you begin to consider what your next step should be in overcoming infidelity.
Your partner's affair is not your fault. Your partner made a choice. Yes, you play a role in what happens in your relationship, but you are not responsible for your spouse/partner's decisions.
Overcoming infidelity does mean that you both need to work hard at making the relationship work again. However, the 'work' that needs to be done is different for each of you.
Questions about hypnosis? See: Hypnosis online FAQ.
A ‘reason’ or explanation for the infidelity is not the same as an excuse, betrayal/deceit is often the most painful aspect of an affair.
You might even know the other woman/man. He/she could be a family member or friend. Surviving infidelity in this case means dealing with the double betrayal and double dose of distress.
However, once you are over the initial shock, do reflect on the possibility of an underlying problem.
The following maybe underlying 'causes' of the affair, including, but not necessarily, a generally unhappy marriage:
My best relationship advice is - whether you are the 'wronged' party or you (have) had the affair - don't leave it to chance thinking that he/she will get over it. Click here for a step-by-step formula to save your marriage/relationship. You need to put in the work to save your relationship and overcome infidelity.
If you feel rejected, because you are the 'wronged'
person or someone broke up with you, also visit:
How to deal with rejection.
partner/spouse has had/is having an affair, or you have
caught your husband or wife cheating visit:
Dealing with infidelity (page 1)
infidelity whatever your role:
Dealing with infidelity (page 2)
are having an affair, also visit:
Dealing with infidelity (page 3)
If you suspect that you are dealing with financial infidelity, I recommend this article.
Fine-tune your relationship and lift your spirits!
You may also be interested in:
| How to apologise
How to end a relationship
Infidelity warning signs
How to end a long term relationship
How to say sorry