Surviving infidelity

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

Surviving infidelity can mean different things under different circumstances!

This page is for you if you are dealing with an affair, infidelity, cheating or whatever else you want to call it.

Whether you are the adulterer, the ‘other woman or man’, the 'wronged' party or their partner, you'll find all the info you need for dealing with that affair right here.

This series of three articles and further linked pages will help you to…

  • discover what to do if you are caught up in an affair and / or have been caught cheating, whether at the office, online or anywhere else
  • cope with the aftermath of an affair
  • deal with your reactions and feelings, as well as your partner’s reactions and feelings
  • recover and heal

But before you read on, just watch this video (4+ minutes) to understand infidelity in the context of the history of marriage...

You have had an affair and can't get over 'the other'?
Hop over to How to Get Over Someone

Dealing with financial infidelity?
I recommend this CNN Money article.

For further help, be sure to also visit:
How to deal with infidelity

Surviving infidelity if you are having an extramarital affair

If you are having an affair, surviving infidelity means first of all considering the impact of the secrecy on your primary relationship. This includes what is likely to happen if you’re ‘found out’.

However careful you think you might be, the likelihood is that your infidelity will come to light.  The skeleton is very likely fall out of the cupboard at some time, and believe me - there never is a 'good' time.

If you truly feel that your secret partner is the one for you - a note of caution: you may be suffering from an 'addiction', rather than truly having met the love of your life! If that happens to apply to you, you'll know exactly what I mean.

This too counts if you're secretly dating someone who is married or in a long-term or committed relationship.

If you want to know how to end the affair, then see: How to End a Relationship.

If you're considering ending your long-term relationship or marriage, because you've fallen in love with someone else, read on!

In love with someone else - should you end your primary relationship or marriage?

Maybe your primary relationship or marriage is no longer satisfying, joyful and life-enhancing. If so, then you could consider seeking professional help from someone like me - a trained and experienced couple counsellor.  This can help you to gain unbiased advice, identify your next step and get the support you need right now.

If you are just not sure what to do right now, my Stay or Walk Away Relationship Test can help you make that decision too.

Absolutely sure that there is no hope of recovery? Then you really do need to consider ending your marriage / relationship… gracefully.  Take the time and give it the attention it needs to make it a 'good' ending, because if you don't the ending can be long and drawn-out however hard you try to extricate yourself.

I know how incredibly difficult it can be to end a relationship, and so there are several articles on my website to help you with this process. In the long run, you’ll benefit from understanding how to do it well and so will your partner or spouse.

Find out more on: Dealing With Infidelity (Page 3).

Surviving infidelity when your partner or spouse is having an affair

You may still be reeling from the shock of finding out that your partner has had (or is having) an affair. Of course you'l want to know all about how to survive this infidelity.

It is perfectly normal to need advice and support to help you survive infidelity and for some time after the affair. I understand how difficult it can be to get those disturbing images of your partner with the other person out of your mind.

I believe I can offer you that right here. Stay with me and explore these pages which can help to see you through this difficult time.

Desperate to talk to someone in confidence?

I can really understand you might need some support. I've got your back!
Click Here for my page with online expert relationship counsellors. Do feel free to contact them right away - they are super sensitive, empathic and won't judge in any way.

Why did they do that?

“Why did he or she do that?” is the question you would probably want me to answer most.  

This is invariably asked of a partner who has either disclosed an affair, or has been found out to be having an affair.

Prof Helen Fisher is a biological anthropologist and she says that there are three circuits in the brain: one for lust (testosterone), one for attachment (oxytocin) and one for romantic love (dopamine).

Theoretically, anyone can feel romantically and addictively in love with someone, whilst thinking about sex with someone else and feeling really close and attached to another person.  In reality the three are likely to overlap to some extent.

However, often the answer to 'why' is: “I don’t know; it just happened - we were just friends – it made me feel good about myself - I could talk to him / her” or  - “it didn’t really mean anything”. Perhaps it all started with an emotional affair, which you may find equally upsetting!

Your partner may also totally deny that he or she is having an affair.  

How to survive an affair

To be able to not only survive the infidelity, but thrive again after, my advice is first of all to really take care of yourself.  You're going to need all of your natural resources to heal.

If you still love your partner and you want to win him or her back, check out  The Magic of Making Up, which was written for people whose partner has already left. However, under the circumstances, I think you’ll really benefit from reading it.

Overcoming infidelity means putting all your energy into taking action, so that you gain a measure of control, when everything - including your emotions - seem out of control.

Join me in Part 2 for help with Understanding Your Emotions and Making Decisions in the aftermath of infidelity...

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

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