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Surviving infidelity

Getting over an affair

Surviving an affair

Infidelity

This page is mainly for the 'wronged' partner. However, if you are having an affair with someone in a committed relationship, or you are married or in a committed relationship andyou are adulterous - there is plenty information for you too. All three parties will gain an understanding of what is involved, in terms of emotional reactions and recovery.

If you are having an extramarital affair

If you are having an affair do watch the video further down to help you understand what may have contributed to you getting so involved. In addition, I would really urge you to consider the impact of being found out. However careful you think you might be - the likelyhood is that your infidelity will come to light. The skeleton is very likely fall out of the cupboard at some time during your life, and believe me - there is never a 'convenient' time.

For you to survive infidelity, you will need to seriously think about ending the affair. I have found an excellent hypnosis download that will first help to calm and relax you deeply. Once calm and relaxed you will have a much better oversight over the longer-term impact of your infidelity.

To get going with this download, which will access that part of your mind that is infinitley wiser than your conscious mind, and will make ending so much easier - click here.

If you are in a primary relationship that is no longer satisfying, joyful and life-enhancing, than consider seeking professional help from someone like me - a trained and experienced couple counsellor.

If you are absolutely sure that there is no hope of recovery, than do start playing fair and end your marriage/relationship. Take the time and give it the attention it needs to make it a 'good' ending. If you are just not sure what to do - this interesting tool can help.

I have written articles about how to end relationships. You will so benefit from doing it well. If you have children, managing a considerate ending will make a big difference to their emotional well-being.

If you are the 'wronged' party

You may still be reeling from the shock of finding out. Surviving infidelity means often needing help, advice and support. I am offering you that right here. Stick with me and explore these pages to see you through this difficult time.

“Why did he/she do that?” is the question you would probably want me to answer most. This is invariably asked of a partner who has either disclosed an affair, or has been discovered to be having an affair.

Often the answer is: “I don’t know; it just happened - we were just friends - he/she made me feel good about myself - I could talk to him/her” or - “it did not really mean anything”. Your partner may also totally deny the/she is having an affair.

Surviving infidelity - recognising a ‘normal’ reaction

Infidelity - secret Your reactions - your thoughts and feelings - will depend somewhat on whether your discovery of the infidelity was a total shock or you had been suspicious for some time (see signs of infidelity).

However, at various stages, it is not unusual to:

feel shocked
have difficulties with thinking, concentrating and retaining information
feel a deep sense of loss
cry at the drop of a hat
spot ‘reminders’ of the history of your relationship everywhere
feel like everything is too much of an effort
feel consumed by a sense of hurt and anger
avoid people who you do not want to inform
feel irritated and angry with ‘trivia’
feel tired all the time and have sleep problems

Getting over an affair - emotions and making decisions

Getting over an affair The shock of the discovery of infidelity usually causes a huge emotional crisis. This locks your attention on the problem!

Your emotional brain (limbic system) is in charge right now, making it difficult to think straight. Therefore right now it is a really bad time to make life-changing decisions.

Initially surviving infidelity means nothing more than letting the fog rise. Give yourself at least a couple of weeks to just calm down a bit. Only when you start to feel a little better, can you begin to consider what your next step should be.

It is not your fault

Your partner's affair is not your fault. Your partner made a choice. Yes, you play a role in what happens in your relationship, but you are not responsible for your spouse/partner's decisions.

Getting over the affair - will knowing the 'cause' help?

Surviving an affair A ‘reason’ or explanation for the infidelity is not the same as an excuse, betrayal/deceit is often the most painful aspect of an affair.

You might even know the other woman/man. He/she could be a family member or friend. This means a double betrayal and double dose of distress.

However, once you are over the initial shock, do reflect on the possibility of an underlying problem.

The following maybe underlying the affair, including, but not necessarily, a generally unhappy marriage:

Transitions - e.g. pregnancy, birth, children leaving home, mid-life
Problems - feeling neglected, rejected, bored in your relationship (my page) or wanting revenge
Ending - dissatisfied, development, never been right
Gender issues
More rarely - Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), ‘hunting’
History - parent(s)’ extra marital affair(s)
Specific (escape) - infertility, illness, disability
Sex - see my page sexual relationship problems
Fear of being single, when not in a relationship
Status - an essential need perhaps not met in any other way
Opportunity and curiosity

Lust, romantic love and attachment

Dr. Helen Fisher explains in this 7 minute video that there are three circuits in your brain, that make it possible to love, feel attached and have a desire for separate people all at the same time. If you have been or are having an affair, you may also be interested in my page on How to get over someone.

Whether you were the 'wronged' party or you had the affair - you will want to know the latest on how to repair it after the affair.