Surviving infidelity

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This page has information and links for surviving infidelity - for all parties.  Whether you are the adulterer/'the other woman or man', the 'wronged' party or their partners will find the right help for surviving infidelity.

Discover, what to do if you are caught up in an affair and/or caught out having an affair.  How to cope after an affair - deal with reactions, recover and heal.

Further to what you find here about how to get over an affair, I have written articles with more specific information about getting over an affair too - you'll find the links further down.  However, do make sure you read this page on surviving infidelity too.

If you are having an extramarital affair

Surviving infidelity means considering the impact of the secrecy on your primary relationship and of being found out.  However careful you think you might be - the likelihood is that your infidelity will come to light.  The skeleton is very likely fall out of the cupboard at some time during your life, and believe me - there never is a 'good' time.

For you to survive your infidelity, you will need to seriously think about either ending the affair or, if you really feel that you have met the love of your life - what it means to your primary relationship. 

However, whilst your emotions are hightened, like every other human being, you're likely to find it difficult to think straight.  So, I have source an excellent hypnosis download that will first help to calm and relax  deeply, so that you can see the wood for the trees again.  Once calm and relaxed you will have a much better overview over the longer-term impact of your cheating and the steps you will want to take to deal with the infidelity.

Hopefully I will have answered any questions you may have on my page Hypnosis online, where you also have access to the hypnosis download Instant Stress Relief, as well as others.

Do you need to end your primary relationship/marriage?

If your primary relationship or marriage is no longer satisfying, joyful and life-enhancing, then consider seeking professional help from someone like me - a trained and experienced couple counsellor.  

If you are absolutely sure that there is no hope of recovery, than you really do need to consider ending your marriage/relationship.  Take the time and give it the attention it needs to make it a 'good' ending.  If you are just not sure what to do - my when to end your relationship questionnaire can help.

I have written articles about how to end relationships.  You will so benefit from doing it well.  If you have children, managing a considerate ending will make a big difference to their emotional well-being.

If you are the 'wronged' party

You may still be reeling from the shock of finding out and will want to know how you can get over an affair.  Surviving infidelity means often needing help, advice and support.  I am hoping to offer you that right here.  Stick with me and explore these pages to see you through this difficult time.

“Why did he/she do that?” is the question you would probably want me to answer most.  This is invariably asked of a partner who has either disclosed an affair, or has been found out to be having an affair.

Dr Helen fisher is a biological anthropologist - she says that there are thee circuits in the brain: one for lust (testosterone), one for attachment (oxytocin) and one for romantic love (dopamine). Theoretically, anyone can feel hugely romantically and addictively in love with someone, whilst thinking about sex with someone else and feeling really close and attached to another person.  In reality the three are likely to overlap to some extend.

However, often the answer is: “I don’t know; it just happened - we were just friends - he/she made me feel good about myself - I could talk to him/her” or  - “it did not really mean anything”. Your partner may also totally deny the/she is having an affair.  If you want to survive the affair - look after yourself really well - you are going to need all your resources.

Whatever it is, if you still love your partner and you want to win him/her back, have a look at my page: How to get your ex back.  I have done a review of The Magic of Making Up, which was written for people whose partner had already left.  However, under the circumstances, I think there is much to be gained by your reading it.

Surviving infidelity - recognising a ‘normal’ reaction

Your reactions - your thoughts and feelings - will depend somewhat on whether your discovery of the infidelity was a total shock or you had been suspicious for some time (see signs of infidelity).

To get over the affair it will help for you to know what you can expect.  At various stages, it is not unusual to:

• feel shocked
• have difficulties with thinking, concentrating and retaining information
• feel a deep sense of loss
• cry at the drop of a hat - you may think that you are never going to survive the affair
  
• spot ‘reminders’ of the history of your relationship everywhere
• feel like everything is too much of an effort - you don't even have the energy to consider how to get over an affair
  
• feel consumed by a sense of hurt and anger
• avoid people who you do not want to inform
• feel irritated and angry with ‘trivia’
• feel tired all the time and have sleep problems

Surviving infidelity means taking things one step at a time and not being hard on yourself for feeling the way you do.  The best advice I would give you if you were in my counselling room wanting to know how to get over an affair, would be to be gentle with yourself.  You have had a shock and you need to give yourself a little time.

Getting over an affair - emotions and making decisions

The shock of the discovery of infidelity usually causes a huge emotional crisis, particularly if you have caught your husband or wife cheating.  This locks your attention - on the problem!

Your emotional brain (limbic system) is in charge, making it difficult to think straight.  Therefore right now it is a really bad time to make life-changing decisions.

Initially surviving infidelity means nothing more than letting the fog rise.  Give yourself at least a couple of weeks to just calm down a bit.  Only when you start to feel a little better, can you begin to consider what your next step should be.

It is not your fault

Your partner's affair is not your fault.  Your partner made a choice.  Yes, you play a role in what happens in your relationship, but you are not responsible for your spouse/partner's decisions.

Getting over the affair - will knowing the 'cause' help?

A ‘reason’ or explanation for the infidelity is not the same as an excuse, betrayal/deceit is often the most painful aspect of an affair.

You might even know the other woman/man.  He/she could be a family member or friend.  Surviving infidelity in this case means dealing with the double betrayal and double dose of distress.

However, once you are over the initial shock, do reflect on the possibility of an underlying problem.

The following maybe underlying the affair, including, but not necessarily, a generally unhappy marriage:

• Transitions - e.g. pregnancy, birth, children leaving home, mid-life
• Problems - feeling neglected, rejected, bored in your relationship (my page) or wanting revenge
• Ending - dissatisfied, development, never been right
• Issues around identity
  
• More rarely - Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), ‘hunting’
• History -  parent(s)’ extra marital affair(s)
• Specific (escape) - infertility, illness, disability
• Sexual relationship problems
• Fear of being single, when not in a relationship
• Status - an essential need perhaps not met in any other way
• Opportunity and curiosity
• Total and utter obsession/addiction - dopamine!

What to do about it

My best relationship advice is - whether you were the 'wronged' party or you had the affair - order Save My Marriage/relationship right now.  Don't leave it to chance thinking that he/she will get over it.  You need to put in the work to save your relationship and survive infidelity.

Other articles on surviving infidelity

If you feel rejected, because you are the 'wronged' person or someone broke up with you, also visit:
How to deal with rejection.

If your partner/spouse has had/is having an affair, or you have caught your husband or wife cheating visit:
Dealing with infidelity (page 1)

For surviving infidelity whatever your role:
Dealing with infidelity (page 2)

If you are having an affair, also visit:
Dealing with infidelity (page 3)

If you have had an affair and you can't forget/can't get over 'the other':
How to get over a relationship and How to get over someone

If you suspect that you are dealing with financial infidelity, I recommend this article.

You may also be interested in:
Divorce tips How to end a relationship Infidelity warning signs Dealing with trauma How to end a long term relationship Divorce advice for men How to chose the best divorce lawyer/attorney

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News about infidelity:

15 Nov 2011 - Infidelity is costing america $61.6 billion annually (PDF), study by Cheaters.com
4 Oct 2011 - TIME: Financial infidelity, a quarter of Americans wiling to hide money troubles from their spouse
12 June 2011 - NPR: Power and infidelity
29 May 2011 - Eagle Tribune: Politics, Power and Infidelity.  Why do they cheat? Mentioning Arnold Swarzenegger and Tiger Woods

Images courtesy of: 1 Martin Boulanger; 2, 3 Billy Alexander

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