How to end a relationship or marriage
The best ways for ending relationships

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Knowing how to end a relationship or marriage amicably makes all the difference to breaking up and finishing your relationship or dealing with a divorce when you are married.  It all becomes more manageable and less 'messy'.

Has your relationship or marriage not been right for some time?  Been thinking about breaking up for a while?  Feeling trapped?  Tried to address the problems to no avail?  End your relationship the right way to avoid lasting damage to you and/or your partner's well-being.

On this page - linked to others with even more detail - I will tell you how to end your relationship.

Just in case you got to the wrong page - see further down: Worried your partner partner wants to split up with you?

Need help 'getting over the hump' straight away?

No problem - I know just the treatment for you!  I am recommend hypnotherapy to my clients as it is effective and oh-so user-friendly.  Download the self hypnosis MP3: Ending a relationship and listen to it at a time that suits you and in the comfort of your own surroundings.  Online self hypnosis is the most accessible and effective way to deal with the sadness and anger, the difficulties and the awkwardness of endings (and of course if you need help getting over it, there are downloads for that too.)

Before you read on: do you need legal advice?

Don't forget that you may need legal advice too.  Particularly if you have shared assets, you need to be sure that you don't act before you know the consequences.  Simply getting that advice early on will help you to feel more confident.  Even if you are not quite ready to end your relationship or marriage right now, you will want to be sure that you know what both your rights are.

I have written a page specifically to help you find the right (divorce) lawyer for you.

Not sure you should separate?

If you are not sure you want to/should end your relationship or marriage, then this end relationship quiz will help you out.  Ending a long-term relationship is one of the most important decisions you will ever make, so it is important that you don't cut off your nose to spite your face, try to end your relationship in the hope that your partner is going to take more notice of you or end it for any other reason that there is truly no longer any hope that your partner will ever fulfill your needs (and you happily do the same for him/er).

What stage are you at?

The decision to end a short or a long-term relationship will probably have come after you have gone through different stages of a breakup.

You are likely to have gone from just accepting that relationships go through a bad patch occasionally to questioning more and more frequently what you are still doing in this relationship or marriage.  If you were living together, you may have already considered financial implications, alternative living accommodation and legal advice.

The different stages differ of course depending on the length of the relationship or marriage.  Stages may be more ’condensed’ and/or missing in short-term relationships.  It can be really tough to decide when to end a relationship.  How do you know when to end with someone you still love or have loved once?  As soon as ...?  After Christmas, the new year, their birthday, your holiday, etc .  It can be a heart-wrenching decision.

Finishing yet another relationship?

If ending relationships is something you have to deal with too frequently, it may be worth taking stock with the help of a relationship counsellor.

I offer telephone counselling as well as face-to-face relationship/couples/marriage counselling.  It can really help to run things by a counsellor when you are ending a relationship.

In any case, you will find plenty of separation advice for men and women on my site.  Endings can cause such heartache, for all kinds of reasons.  So, I hope to be able to help you with the information I have freely provided.

Staying in touch after ending?

Your circumstances will to some extend determine how long you may need to stay in touch, when you are ending a relationship or marriage:

• for a short period of time if you have to divide your possessions
• much longer if you have to sell your home and divide assets
• for the rest of your life(!) if you have children
• Click here for a more detailed article on staying in touch

Preparing to end your relationship

Before we get to the 'nitty-gritty', visit relationship communication to brush up on your communication skills. Remember too the importance of nonverbal communication (see also: Interpreting body language) - I will be right here when you come back.

Getting closer to actually finishing it

• Be sure of your legal position
• If appropriate; make sure that you have considered any financial implications from your perspectives
• Arrange a time and place where you can talk in private
• Make sure that you won’t be disturbed when you are ending a relationship
• Give no longer than a few hours notice that you want to discuss something important - depending how much of a 'worrier' your partner is generally
• Consider in advance what support you might need
• Accept that your partner may express strong feelings
• Be prepared to listen and ‘sit with’ your partner’s distress
• Resolve not to argue during the conversation
• Think through in advance what you are going to say
• Prepare responses to all his/her potential reactions (your friends will help you brainstorm those)
  
• Focus on your role and your contribution to the relationship

The best ways to end relationships

• Begin by asking how he/she is feeling right now - listen and acknowledge
• Set a realistic time limit if you anticipate an endless conversation
• Lead by saying he/she must have realised this is a different conversation
• State your reasons gently - keep it short, no endless explanations and justifications
• Repeat your reasons if necessary, be clear without too much expansion
• Allow time for feelings to be expressed, but don’t stretch it out unnecessarily
• Do not start a row now, even if you feel angry and hurt – stay calm
• Accept that possibly nothing you can say will make it better for your partner, other than that you will ‘try again’ - be kind, but determined
• Remember that the more emotional someone is, the less able they are to take things in. Do not expect them to think or react rationally.
  
  

What to say when ending I have even more detailed information - a step-by-step guide about all this - on my page: breaking up tips.

What won’t work or is not fair in ending

• Don’t text or leave leave a message on an answer machine when ending a relationship
• Don’t end the relationship during a telephone conversation
• Don’t let someone else pass the message on
• Don’t suddenly cut off all contact without first giving an explanation
• Don’t become antagonistic in the hope that your partner will dump you
• Don’t start an affair
• Don’t be ‘unavailable’ if what you really need to do is end
• Don’t avoid conversations about the state of your relationship
• Don’t finish a relationship in a public place, unless you are unsafe
• Don’t end it just before your partner has a commitment
• Don’t tell other people of your intend to end before your partner knows
• Don’t expect an ending without anybody feeling hurt
• Don’t end in the middle of a row
• Don’t chicken out of ending, when you really know it is over

After finishing the relationship

Depending on how long the relationship lasted, how intense it was, how secure/insecure you and/or your partner are, you may need to be prepared for further conversations when ending a relationship.

Breaking up a long-term relationship

The process of ending a long term relationship nicely is more likely to take more time and is very unlikely to be accomplished with just one conversation. However, the general principles apply, whatever the reasons: be courteous and considerate.  Clearly, if you were living together, you may need legal or financial advice.

Breaking up is worth doing well to preserve each other’s dignity and help you both move on after ending a relationship.

Reasons for breaking up?

You may be tempted to criticise your partner for what you perceive to be wrong with her/him.  Be warned: this will only encourage them to want to change into whatever they think you would want them to be at that moment.  Your spouse, girlfriend or boyfriend may plead for you to give them another chance.

If you are really sure that you do not want another chance!  Talk about your role in your relationship problems and how you have ran out of steam.  Try and find a balance between giving a reason ("It's not about you, it's me" won't do) and over analysing.

Emotions and control

You will want to stay in control when you are ending your relationship.  The more emotional we are as human beings the more out of control, unpredictable and potentially disastrous our behaviour is likely to be.

You won't want to dump in a fit of anger ... you might not be ready or even really mean it and hugely regret it later (see anger management tips)

Don’t say your want to finish the relationship in the hope your partner will do 'whatever' to please you.  You will never get your essential emotional needs met by trying to control another person. Worse: you are likely to feel increasingly and frighteningly out of control by doing that.  In addition: you may be surprised and shocked to find that your partner may just be pleased that you apparently wanted to end the relationship! 

Worried your partner wants to split up with you?

Really sorry - that is tricky.  You either need another page or you need to get your act together before it is too late - I recommend this programme to stop the decline in your relationship/marriage and rebuild it fast.

However, you really need to be prepared, so that when your partner says: "It is over" and you are not prepared to let it go, then you need to know exactly what to do - just when you feel at your most fragile.  So, do hop over to my page: How to get your ex back.

Here is another page I think you'll find helpful: Warning signs of a break up.

Further information on ending relationships

I hope that you have more of an idea on how to end a relationship.  It really is worth doing a 'good ending' for you and your soon-to-be ex.  HypnosisDownloads has an excellent download: Ending a relationship, to really help prepare you by recruiting your unconscious mind.

Other people's request for help and my replies.

This service is not available at the moment. For a personal reply see Email counselling.

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You may also be interested in:
Ending a long term relationship Surviving infidelity Facebook problems Warning signs of a break up Sexual relationship problems Divorce advice for men Causes of divorce

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