How to say sorry

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 - Public letter of apology?

Knowing how to say sorry and apologise gracefully ...

• saves relationships
• builds trust
• saves your energy by stopping needless worrying
• preserves and improves your self-esteem

Dealing with the guilt

When you are already dealing with guilt because of the damage your words of actions have caused, what have you got to lose by making a meaningful apology?

If you know you have been wrong, have made a mistake or you have let people down, it's best to forget about ‘saving face’ .  Other people are likely to know or sense that things don't stack up, even if you are trying your hardest to deny your wrong-doing.  You may get away with it now, but there is always the chance that the skeleton will fall out of the cupboard at some point in the future.

However, you wouldn't have been on this page if you hadn't acknowledged at some level that you have made a mistake.  That is unless you are researching a sneaky way out of a 'situation'.  If so, don't know even bother to read on, this page is only for the genuinely sorry.

However rough you are feeling right now and however confused you are about where to start, don't worry!  Saying sorry is a skill that can be learned, it is a noble thing to do and an essential part of general communication skills.

Why apologise?

Most importantly knowing how to genuinely apologise in a meaningful way helps to build and maintain healthy relationships.  Saying sorry deepens a relationship in several ways.

• It builds trust
• It prevents a potential deterioration of relationship problems
• It can kick start a renewal in your relationship
• It removes awkwardness between the parties - you know ... that horrible feeling of not knowing what to say to the other that means that you end up doing all you can to avoid that person
• In an indirect way it opens up a way for your spouse, partner or other party to admit to their mistakes
• It allows your partner to love you with all your flaws and imperfections

There are more benefits ...

What is the potential outcome of saying sorry?

Well ... there may of course be negative consequences to your admission of guilt.  You may end up being punished, having to deal with the fall-out in your relationship, and having to pay either emotionally, mentally, physically or financially.  I suspect you will have considered all of that already.

If you are having a tough time dealing with guilty feelings (above and beyond the expected), then you may want to think about getting some help.  An hypnosis download is a super way to help you come to terms with 'stuff' and there is specifically for guilt.

However, further positives are:

• better relationships -  with your colleagues, friends or family or with your partner (unless you are admitting to infidelity - see links further down for other articles)
• a clear conscience, which potentially reduces anxiety, improves sleep and restores your self-respect
• improved 'spare capacity' to deal with other dramas, projects, people or opportunities.  Worrying about being found out to have done the wrong thing and guilt about having caused hurt, all take energy that you can put to much better use

What might you need to say sorry for?

Here are some examples of may have caused distress to others, to a greater or lesser extent.

You may want to offer an apology for any of the following (no judgments about seriousness):

• There was a misunderstanding because you were ignorant of the facts
• You made assumptions and you omitted to check them out
• You deliberately hurt your partner or someone else to 'get your own back'
• You have been plain selfish
• You have broken a promise
• You acted on hearsay.  Gossip hurts other people and undermines your self-respect
• You have let your partner/spouse of other people down - at home, at work or at play

It could of course have been a combination of these!

One other reason you may have disappointed or hurt others is because you possibly just haven't 'felt yourself' lately.  Don't even think of using it as an excuse, but it can be an explanation for your insensitivity to the feelings of others.  When you are feeling exhausted, depressed and stressed, your capacity to consider others may be diminished.  This does not absolve you or remove the need to apologise though.

How to say sorry

You may be feeling pretty 'sheepish' right now, assuming that you are here for genuine reasons.  If not - a gentle word of warning - disingenuousness will 'leak out' in your general demeanour, including your voice, choice of words and body language.  Someone else will pick it up either consciously or unconsciously.  The penny will drop for them at some point - if not immediately.

Read more on how to offer the best possible apology and see an example letter...

... How to say sorry - part 2 with an example apology letter.

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Other helpful links:

Stanford Graduate School of Business: Why feelings of guilt may signify leadership potential

Images courtesy of: 1 Oscar Williams;  4 Cecile Graat; 3 Miguel Saavedra

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