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Dealing with criticism

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Dealing with criticism Learn how you can be dealing with criticism more effectively with my help. Criticism and rejection, though part of life, can often be upsetting and may even leave a lasting bitter taste - you feel miserable, angry, hurt, etc. 'Miffed' or 'crushed' - you may want to 'hit back', but that just isn't going to sort it.

Endless rumination (negative thinking) won't help either, will undermine your self-esteem and waste your precious energy.

Criticism can be a form of bullying on the one hand and on the other hand, if it is delivered by someone who genuinely has your best interest at heart, it can be a gift, particularly if that person has expertise in the appropriate field.

I hope to be able to help you, so that you know how to deal criticism of you, your behaviour or your work - major or minor, at home or in the work place.

In case this page does not quite do it for you, you may also want to visit other related pages, such as How to deal with rejection - see further down.

Is your partner/spouse particularly critical and you have just about had enough? Want to do something straight away? I highly recommend: Save My Marriage(relationship) Today. Lee Baucom, PhD - the author - doesn't pull any punches - he certainly doesn't like counsellors who think they can do couple counselling after taking a weekend course! Thank goodness I trained and qualified with the UK most respected couple counselling agency RELATE and work much alike he does by not just focusing on communication.

Being defensive is not a helpful response

You will miss the point if you immediately react defensively.
Don’t automatically take it personally
Don’t react aggressively to it
Don’t immediately try to prove the other person wrong
Don’t concentrate on finding fault in the other person

Anger and distress limits your critical thinking

The more emotional we are, the more limited our thinking and questionable our reactions.

If you are learning a new skill and you are being given given some feedback you don't like, the first step is to accept that you cannot learn anything new, without making mistakes. That has nothing to do with you personally - it is all about how your brain works.

Your brain has to develop new neural pathways for the messages about that particular skill or action to flow. Compare it with trying to find your way around a new town - you take wrong turnings, until you become familiar, when you barely notice how you get from A to B - your actions have become automatic.

If you allow yourself to get upset by being steered/guided through feedback, the emotion will get in the way of your learning.

If you are upset and/or angry after having received a dressing down - distract and calm yourself for a while.

If at all possible and appropriate - spend a little time doing engaging in a favourite activity, a hobby or interest, go for a walk/run/cycle ride, talk to a friend, listen to calming music.

Do anything to calm yourself right down. Only then consider all your options for dealing with the criticism.

Dealing with criticism

Even when you ask for feedback, are prepared for trouble and expect to be able to handle it - you may still be surprised by your own immediate reaction. So, when you are dealing with criticism, fair or unfair, here are some ideas on what to do next:

Determine if the critic has all the information - don't be afraid to assert yourself
Ensure the information is accurate and unbiased (as far as possible)
Calmly ask for a further explanation
Find out how the information was gathered
Consider if there is a misunderstanding
Consider whether the intent may have been to deliberately hurt you
Ask for a break to do some thinking (and to calm down!)

Criticism, like rain, should be gentle enough to nourish a man's growth without destroying his roots."

Frank A. Clark

Questions about hypnosis? See: Hypnosis online FAQ.

Dealing with unfair criticism

Questionable criticism can feel even harsher. Here is how you handle it.

Ask yourself:

Whose problem is it really?
Are you rating the critical person's opinion of you higher than your own?
Are you setting yourself up to be criticised? I know this is a really tricky one, because bullying can be so subtle that you barely notice it starting.
Is it really a power struggle? This is linked with the previous point. This is about being honest with yourself. If you know you are not playing that power game, then do not beat yourself up about it.
Is it about one-upmanship, competition, retaliation, control? This may be pointing to you being bullied, depending on the time it has been going on.

Even constructive criticism can feel really uncomfortable. However, gentle feedback, which includes drawing out all of your strengths, allows you to learn something about yourself.

There is so much more to you!

Whatever the reason was for you having to deal with criticism, just remember that there is so much more to you than whatever it was that got the criticism.

you are not your thoughts
you are not your feelings
you are not your behaviour

In addition, if it happens to apply to you:

you are not your work
you are not your art
you are not your performance
you are not your scores
you are not your sport
you are not your last photo shoot
you are not your music

Stay Or Walk Away?

Whether or not you are involved in the performing arts, music, sport, in fashion, tv, are a minor or a major celebrity - there is much more to you than any of these aspects. Do remember to remind yourself of at least three things you have achieved today (NOT connected with any of the above) and three things you like about yourself, before you go to sleep.

If you have felt let down in any relationship, however old you were and for whatever reason, your self-esteem might be in your boots. I recommend 'Build your self-esteem' - a very effective and safe hypnosis download. It will help you to start dealing with your problem straight away. You can relax and let your unconscious mind do the work. Who wouldn't just want to relax and let things happen automatically? Worried about hypnosis? Let me explain.

What about that critical person?

None of the following points are offered as excuses, but they may explain and help put things in context, when you have been unfairly criticised.

Is your critic:

irrational due to physical or emotional strain? (Have a look at my page List of human emotions further down to see if you can identify some that might apply here)
unskilled in communicating?
lacking in emotional intelligence?
acting on behalf of someone else?
making assumptions based on his/her perspective of the world (very likely! - see my page on Relationship problem advice further down)
feeling insecure, because you are a threat - maybe you are/have become better than him/her

If this person is someone you have appointed and the relationship is just not working out, then do something about it. Do remember though, that your learning may not just be about knowledge and skills - it can also be about 'people', 'life and mostly - yourself.

Dealing with self criticism

Are you beating yourself up? Are you constantly critical of yourself? Is there a critic sitting on your shoulder forever undermining you? If you are always giving yourself a hard time, telling yourself that you look ridiculous, that you are no good, that you are showing yourself up, that you will never 'make it', that your work is rubbish, then you are much less likely to deal well with receiving criticism from others. In a sense you are bullying yourself. It is very unlikely that you would say the things you are telling yourself to your best friend. Yet you are happy to undermine yourself?

Now is the time to change that:

start by just noticing - without condemning - just be curious in what kind of situations you become particularly self-critical
ask yourself if you would be happy to undermine your best friend in the same way
simply notice things that you can do better - there is an advantage to being self-observant, without being overly critical
commit to doing all you can to do better next time
learn to laugh at yourself
remember: today's drama is tomorrow's bin liner!

To do the Attitude Towards Self test (see links further down). This test scores how self-critical you are, how likely you are to overgeneralise and whether you set yourself overly high standards.

Tame Your Inner Critic or Stop Self-criticism - self hypnosis downloads via my page Hypnosis online FAQ - will help you to stop that nagging voice in your head. I always recommend these to my clients and since I trust the quality and effectiveness of these downloads implicitly, I am happy to recommend them to visitors on my website too - even without counselling.

Accepting appropriate, realistic and fair criticism

Accept the criticism, we all make mistakes
Accept the criticism calmly
Agree briefly, depending on what happened
Avoid endless explanations and excuses
Make amends, learn from your mistakes, let it go and move on

Having considered all and decided the criticism was fair - take it on the chin. As a workplace counsellor I often help people deal with their feelings after negative feedback - even if it was fair. I remind them that "today's drama is tomorrow's bin liner".

Dealing with criticism can offer an opportunity to learn. If at all possible, accept the feedback as a gift - it will motivate you to do better, change your ways, adjust your communication or whatever else you need to do. Ultimately it will make you stronger.

Thank your critic for the honest feedback. Ask him/her for any advice - if appropriate and ask for an opportunity to have another conversation some time in the future to discuss what you have done to deal with the criticism and the progress made.

Dealing with destructive criticism

If you are dealing with criticism and you have had to put up with: judging, put downs, attacks, trivializing, blaming, sarcasm and sneering - it is time to consider your options.

Unrelenting criticism and name calling is emotional abuse and bullying. It is about power and control and totally unacceptable. No one deserves such an 'onslaught'. If you are stuck in that kind of a relationship, whether at home or at work, then please do seek help. It is fair enough to have to deal with being criticised at times, but there is a huge difference between someone who is critical and someone who is a bully! When your self-esteem is in your boots, you may need a friend to help you see where the boundaries of what is 'acceptable' lay.

If, by any chance, you been wondering whether to end your relationship/marriage, but have found it too difficult a decision to make, my end relationship quiz will help you make that decision with precision.

Anticipating having to deal with criticism

You may just need to accept that you are going to be criticised - regardless of what you do. You really cannot please everyone - particularly not if you manage a team, are a entrepreneur, own your own company, are a politician, are successful in whatever you do. There will be people who are critical of you. There will also be people for whom you are never going to get it right, whatever you do, as well as people for whom nobody is going to ever get it right.

In fact, whatever your position - you are going to be criticised for sure. Bolster yourself - you have control over you - you do not have it over anyone else - whether or not you are dealing with criticism.

Criticism is something we can avoid easily by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing."

Aristotle

How to increase your self-belief

Handle your ciritic Criticised too often? Can't change the situation? Learn how to handle your critic by boosting your self-esteem and doing some assertiveness training. Then, when you are next criticised you will be able to deal with your critic calmly and confidently.

I have teamed up with a super company. I know their work and trust their business ethics: HypnosisDownloads. Online self hypnosis is just about the most cost effective tool I know for making positive changes. I recommend these downloads to my clients too - to help them continue the work in between their counselling sessions with me.

The Assertiveness training download will help you prepare to deal with your critic safely, effectively and comfortably at a time that suits you.

Fine-tune your relationship and lift your spirits!

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