Does marriage counselling work?

Is it really worth getting marriage counselling?

Having been a qualified marriage counsellor for 24 years, you can doubtless guess my answer to that question!

Marriage counselling works… but that doesn’t mean it’s for everyone.

There’s no guarantee, and much depends on how willing you and your partner are to engage with the counselling process.

So, let me expand a little, starting with timing…

Does marriage counselling work?

Marriage counselling has the best possible chance if you don’t wait

The sooner you get help, the more likely marriage counselling will work.

The more ingrained your relationship problems become, the more difficult to unpick the issues and change behaviours.

So, since you’re asking: “Does marriage counselling work?”, please take my advice and don’t put it off any longer. You’re never too early to knock on a counsellor’s door for marriage counselling, but you can definitely be too late!

Go by yourself if your partner isn’t keen. As marriage counsellors, we are trained to help even the most reluctant clients feel at ease enough to open up and share their troubles. And your spouse might agree to come at a later stage.

What else, then, makes marriage counselling work?

Does marriage counselling work?

Very likely, if you’re willing to do the work

It would be natural for you to hope and expect your counsellor to agree with your point of view. Of course, you think you’re right. ;-)

Be prepared, though, to be also challenged – gently but firmly.

Marriage counsellors don’t think in terms of right and wrong. We look for what is helpful or not for these partners in this marriage.

They won’t blame or shame either of you (if you’ve found the right counsellor!). They’re not ‘policing’ your relationship.

Go with an open mind and open up as best as you can. Be honest and open to making changes.

To learn more about marriage counselling, hop over to my article What to expect from marriage counselling.

How you can help to make marriage counselling work

Here are some more notes on what makes marriage counselling work:

Choosing the counsellor

You’ll want to be sure that you get to see a counsellor specifically qualified in marriage counselling. Nothing else will do!

It should not be someone who has been trained to counsel individuals and offers couples therapy having topped up their training with a few weekend workshops. Read my article on How to find a counsellor.

Dealing with infidelity

Does marriage counselling work if you’re cheating on your spouse? It depends. If your spouse knows about the affair, then couples counselling can be really helpful.

However, if you want to keep your infidelity a secret and have no intention of ending the affair, you’d be much better off going for counselling on your own first.

Although your counsellor won’t be able to read your mind, they are very likely to notice during couples counselling that things don’t quite add up. See my article: Dealing with infidelity.

Dealing with abuse

Does marriage counselling work if you’re in an abusive relationship?

No, marriage counselling or couples therapy isn’t for you. I do urge you to seek counselling for yourself, however.

See also: Signs of emotional abuse.

Dealing with addictions

Does marriage counselling work if you or your partner are suffering from substance abuse, or for example addiction to adult material?

It depends on the seriousness of the addiction. Your counsellor can help you explore your options, but if the addiction is serious, it’s better if you get treatment first before attempting couples counselling.

See also my article: Living with an alcoholic.

Ready to separate or divorce?

Does marriage counselling work if one of you is set on divorce?

If one of you definitely wants to end the marriage, marriage counselling is unlikely to get the two of you back together.

If you want to end the marriage, it’s fairer to be upfront with your spouse, otherwise, they remain hopeful of saving the marriage by going for couples counselling.

See my articles: How to end a long-term relationship and Divorce tips for help if you know it’s over.

You’ll understand your partner much better too. And, you will feel sooo relieved and positive again. It’ll feel like that black cloud that’s been hanging above your head has disappeared and the sun is shining again – even if, at times, it’s still a watery one.

As I’ve mentioned in my article on couples counselling, the two of you will have had a chance to air your differences – in detail – without being constantly interrupted. That, often unexpected, detail and the counsellor’s perspective on what’s happening between the two of you will have helped you resolve some of your differences. 

Other differences may well remain. However, marriage counselling then works to increase your understanding and acceptance of any intractable differences (spoiler alert: almost every couple has them!).

Expert relationship advice also helps you gain tools to help keep the communication flowing during difficult times. And I can almost guarantee that you will encounter those – it’s called life! Almost everybody gets dealt the occasional, or even frequent, left-hookers!

Online marriage counselling

Ideally, I’d like the two of you to be present together in the office of a marriage counsellor.

However, I’m well aware that marriage counselling isn’t available everywhere. It can also be really challenging to organise regular sessions if you both work shifts and/or you have children at home.

Fortunately, these days you can get marriage counselling or coaching (so there’s really no excuse not to go for it…!).

Finally

If you’ve reached the point where you’re asking if marriage counselling works, then I urge you to put your doubts to one side and just go for it.

If the alternative is relationship problems and upset, or even the spectre of divorce looming on the horizon, what have you really got to lose?