4-step plan to get over a broken heart

How to get over a broken heart

I doubt many people haven’t had their hearts broken once, twice, or more. Lost love is oh-so painful, particularly when it comes out of the blue. No wonder then that so many people search for how they can get over a broken heart.

What has caused you to suffer a broken heart?

What can cause you to feel so stricken that your heart quite literally aches with feelings of loss, rejection and pain?

Here are some examples (be prepared that, depending on what has happened to you, you may baulk at the idea that others are suffering the same as you do):

• your partner told you, out of the blue, that they want to end your relationship or are going to file for divorce.
• Your partner or spouse has told you they don’t love you anymore, and you feel a sudden and deep sense of rejection.
• You suddenly found evidence of your partner or spouse’s infidelity.
• Your partner or spouse has told you they’re having an affair, and they’re leaving you for that person.
• you’ve been betrayed – or ‘stabbed in the chest’ in any other way
• Your partner or spouse has told you they no longer find you attractive
• Someone you love has (suddenly) died.
• A loved one has received a devastating diagnosis.
• You’ve suffered another severe loss.

So, let’s get you set up to heal your broken heart so you can face the day again and see a way ahead.

I’ll first talk about what is happening to you to reassure you that your feelings are normal, even if you think you’re going ‘crazy’.

Understanding your reaction is helpful as it stops you from worrying about it when you’ve already too much on your plate.

Then, I’ll give you tips and advice on how to get over that broken heart.

New! Who has broken your heart?

No email address is needed, and it’s confidential.

Step 1. Understanding your reaction to having your heart broken

Symptoms of a broken heart

When you’ve suddenly lost someone close to your heart, it can feel like part of you has died. No wonder then that your body responds with ‘weakness’.

• pain in your chest – a physical translation of the emotional stab in the chest
• heart pounding or irregular beating
• feeling as if you can’t get enough air when you breathe
• and, possibly, even fear you’re about to die.

The utter unexpectedness and total stress of what you’ve heard, witnessed or suddenly happened has caused your body to be flooded with stress hormones.

A heart broken heart – other symptoms

You may well be suffering any or all of the following too:

• Insomnia – no wonder with all that’s going on
• Anxiety – ditto
• A sense of panic (see also: signs of a nervous breakdown)
• Fatigue – your whole body is fighting a battle, and it takes a lot of energy to heal.
• Lack of concentration – you’ll need to be extra careful with driving or operating machinery!
• Memory loss – your hippocampus (a structure in the brain) is involved with your memory, and it’s had a pretty hefty blow.
• Excessive dreaming – your brain’s way of processing things that you haven’t been able to deal with during the day.

Just know, all this will pass!

The emotional fall-out from a sudden loss and broken heart

The devastating fall-out from a sudden loss can make you feel like there’s a deep, raw scream locked inside your chest.

So, when your heart is broken, it’s normal to feel any (or all) of the following:

• Shock – it can’t be true. With a racing mind, you can barely speak. It’s as if you’re living in a dream – surely you must be about to wake up. You may feel weak, faint, ‘drunk’, swamped and unable to cope.
• Sorrow for previous losses.
• Confusion and simply not being able to comprehend what’s happened
• Longing for things to go back to how they were before, for it all to have been a mistake or a bad dream.
• Anger with the apparent injustice of it all, for what they did, for abandoning you, for being selfish.
• Emptiness – not being able to feel anything at all; everything’s blank – all you can do is stare into space, perhaps even wishing you could go to sleep and never wake up, or wake up having ‘just’ had a nightmare.

Step 2. How to get over a broken heart

9 tips to help mend your broken heart

I’d like you to tackle the problem from every angle.

So here’s your action plan:

1. Don’t fight your feelings. Reread the above symptoms if you need to remind you that your reaction to having your heart broken is typical under the circumstances
2. For the first few days, just accept that you can barely do anything but the bare minimum and ‘cope with not coping’. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Treat yourself like you would treat a dear friend.
3. Consider using the professionally produced hypnosis audio download Mend Your Broken Heart from this page to speed up the healing process.
4. Don’t make any rash decisions! Your brain has temporarily lost its capacity for logical thinking, which you’ll need if you’re forced to reconsider your future. So, tell your partner or spouse clearly you need time, however much they want to ‘move on with their life’.
5. Eliminate as much other stress as possible.
6. Talk about what’s happened with a trusted friend or, even better, a counsellor or therapist.

Folk wisdom to help you get over a broken heart

Did you know that in folk wisdom, the heart is the seat of intuition, love, creativity, wisdom and gratitude?

So, here are some more tips to help you once you’ve got through the first phase after you had your heart broken (say after the first couple of weeks):

1. If you can meditate – do it more. For most people, this is not the time to start learning to meditate – but if it’s helpful, you’ll need it now more than ever.
2. If you’re creative – get cracking with a new project, or finish an old one. You may or may not produce your best work, but that’s neither here nor there. The process of creating something is deeply healing – it’s an easy way to shift your focus onto something else and away from the problem(s)
3. If you’ve never spent the time deliberately counting your blessings – now is the time to start. Gratitude itself is enormously healing (well backed up by research). I know you may find it hard to focus outwardly on what you can be thankful for right now, but give it a go, and you may surprise yourself (even if you’re just grateful that you didn’t spill your cup of tea or coffee at breakfast time today!)

If you have kids

Your children will know you’re going through a tough time. You’re up and about probably only because of them. But I suspect you do what’s needed robotically.

So, here are some tips to consider:

1. Ask friends and family members to help you out with caring for your children if at all possible.
2. Tell your children you’re having a tough time and why – without burdening them with too many details.
3. Reassure them that you’ll get better but that right now you need a little help with practical stuff (I understand you’re rolling eyes if you have teenagers!) Being able to help you can boost their self-esteem – it allows them to feel important.

For further tips and advice, see my articles on how to break up with kids involved and the effects of separation and divorce on children.

Step 3. Get over a broken heart and move on

Once you feel a little better, you’ll have more capacity to think about your future.

• Set yourself up with a positive frame of mind. Make a note of what you’ve learned and gained by going through that dark tunnel, such as realising that you’re far stronger than you think (even if you’re doubting that right now). Add to that all your positive characteristics (let a friend help you with that if necessary.
• Know that a crisis can be very creative. Suddenly you have to rethink your life in a way you could never have imagined. So, brainstorm the possibilities. Included even the silliest ideas as they may be the seed of a direction you might otherwise not have discovered or considered.
• Ask for or accept help. You might not get help from the people you’d hoped or expected would stand by you. However, you might find that other kind-hearted individuals are willing to help out – people you wouldn’t have thought would offer.

Also, read the following articles for a ton of detailed information, tips and advice to help you get over your broken heart:

• How to move on from someone
• How to forget someone
• How to deal with depression without medication

Step 4. Meet your emotional needs in balance

As human beings, we are born with a number of essential emotional needs. If we work to meet those needs in balance, we’re more likely to be emotionally stable, strong and resilient. Know that you were born with all the resources to meet those needs:

Your essential emotional needs

Here are the three most important essential emotional needs I’d like you to focus on now:

1. The need for giving and receiving attention
   If you’re so fortunate to have other people in your life whom you love (family, friends), spend extra time showing them how much you care for them. The need for giving and receiving attention is an essential emotional need – hugely beneficial to your well-being.
2. The need for a sense of control and volition
   When you suffered that loss and had your heart broken, it would have felt like you were completely out of control. So, deliberately look for opportunities, however small, to get a grip on things again.
3. A need for safety and security
   You may have to reconsider where you’ll live and rearrange your financial affairs. These might well be the toughest things to deal with, and once you’d rather not even see. Please, do not stick your head in the sand! Unfortunately, going from ‘we are’ to ‘I am’ responsible is a huge undertaking. Depending on your income, it may not be necessarily advantageous to you. But delay in dealing with it is likely to make it worse.

Here’s a free worksheet to help you see what else you can do in your situation to meet your emotional needs…

Finally

Cast your mind back to other times in your life you had to deal with difficulties. You got through them! You learned from them and got on with your life again. However devastating you might feel right now, you will get over your broken heart! This period will form part of the beautifully woven colourful wallhanging that depicts your life.

Know that you’re far a stronger, more resilient and creative problem-solver than you may think. You’ve got this!