Relationship advice for the New Year

Not what you are looking for?  Use my Sitemap or do a Site search.

New Years Eve is typically the time to decide on minor and major life changes.  Consider for a moment all the previous New Year's resolutions you have made.  Are you one of the 50% or so, who are able to stick to a resolution for longer than 6 months?  Great!

Even so, I would argue that the end of the year/beginning of a new year is not the best time to make any decisions at all.

Christmas and New Year are often emotional times for a number of reasons and I have explained more than once on this site why it really isn't such a good idea to make major decisions during emotional times: we can't think straight when we are emotional, we can't see things in context.

If you usually have difficulties sticking to your New Year's resolution, or indeed any resolutions at any time, than now is certainly not the time to make any life-changing decisions about your relationship or marriage.

New Years Eve - an emotional time

Major anniversaries of any kind - birthdays, wedding anniversaries, anniversaries of a death or other loss or trauma - are likely to make you reflect on who you are, your values and beliefs, what lies behind you and what you hope for and expect in the year to come.

The intensity and 'flavour' of that kind of reflection depends much on what has actually happened in the year leading up to the anniversary.

New Years Evening, in a sense, is one of those anniversaries.  Around the end of the calender year, you are more likely to think about what has happened and what you would like to see happening in the near future than at any other time.

What alcohol does to your emotions

On top of that kind of emotional 'stuff' - you may well be having a drink - or two, three ... - attend parties, do things you might not do under normal circumstances (or you might!).

Alcohol works like a magnifying glass - it makes you over-emotional, be that with lust, anger, depression, good cheer or whatever other emotion you can think of.  Under the influence of alcohol everything can look 'out of proportion'.

Now tell me ... do you think it is a good time to decide on your future and come up with resolutions and well thought-out plans? :-)

The more emotional you are, the less likely you are able to think clearly, see things in context, weigh up all your options and follow through a logical argument.  To put in plainly - the more emotional you are, the more 'stupid' you become!

... Despite all that - you may well be considering the health and well-being of your relationship/marriage right at this time.  I am a qualified and experienced couple counselor.  So, I may as well try and help you out. ;-)

Considering ending your relationship/marriage?

Couple counselors everywhere see an increase in referrals around this time of the year.  Why?  For the reason mentioned above - around the time of the start of the new year.

However, there are other contributing factors:

• having spent (another) Christmas holiday in the close company of your 'loved ones' and you realise that they really aren't so 'loved' anymore
• you realise that now your children (if you have any) are less likely to want to spend time with you than you may have hoped for ...
• or your, now adult children, are increasingly crowding your space
• you find that times have changed: what was, isn't anymore and you cannot imagine yourself in the same position for even 1 year, let alone another 5 - 10 - 20 years
• you have found yourself to be particularly irritated with your partner/spouse and you find it increasingly difficult to remain 'civil'
• you feel yourself 'forced' again to perform to your partner's/family's wishes and you feel suffocated
• you really, really cannot get on with his/her family/friends and if they play a major part in your spouse/partner's life - that is a problem!
• you have realised that you have completely fallen out of love with your partner and in love with someone else

I can think of a whole lot of other reasons, but let's leave it at this for the moment.

Do you really need to end it?

Have you spend any time thinking about what is going well lately or have you been ruminating about all the things that aren't right?  What you focus on is what you get!

• Take some time out to go through old photos
• Play the music you listened to when you first met
• Get in touch with how you felt before all the problems

Has your partner/spouse really changed that much or have you had a big hand in how your partner is responding to you?  If you can have a long honest look at yourself and decide you could have done better - do so now!  Forget about whether or not is it Christmas or New Year.

Also, try to put yourself in the shoes of your wife's/husband's/partner's best friend, father, mother, child, employer.  What positive things would they be saying about your 'nearest and dearest'?  What is still going well in your marriage/relationship?  What do you still value about being with her/him?

Where do you start???

If you really are  wanting to end your relationship or divorcing your husband/wife, here is what you need to do - in short:

1. you really want Christmas and New Year well out of the way, before you make any decisions - based on what I explained above
2. you will want to ensure that you are absolutely making the right decision
3. prepare what you are going to do immediately after you have made the decision - stay at home or move out immediately
4. work out what you are going to say
5. find the right time to tell your partner, your children (if you have any), the family and your friends
6. deal with the fall-out on all fronts!

By the time you read this article you may have already dealt with step 1, or at least it won't be long before you can move on to step 2: deciding whether or not to stay or walk away.

The best relationship advice I can give you is that you take my relationship test to help you reflect on all aspects of your relationship, many of which you would not have thought of by yourself.

You can find all the information you need to help you end your relationship with dignity and kindness - in everybody's interest, including your own - on my other pages (see links).

If you know right now that your relationship still is important to you and/or you want to stay married, than I would highly recommend you use this programme: Save your relationship/marriage.  Lee Baucom, PhD is an experienced couples therapist, who has written this book to help you save your marriage (relationship), even if your partner doesn't want to do much about it.

You have a great relationship?

Celebrate it!  Remember to be grateful for what you have.  Frequently remind yourself of all the wonderful qualities your partner/spouse has.  All relationships go through difficult times and no doubt yours will too.  So, build a buffer by writing your partner (and others in yours life) a 'thank you' letter and every night before going to sleep, think of three good things that happened that day (both actions are good for your well-being according to research).

Hell-bent on a New Year's resolution?

Maybe you are, maybe not, but just in case ..... you are bound to be more successful by using hypnosis to 'tweak' your unconscious!  Let's face it - we could all do with a 'helping hand' at times.  I highly recommend the company HypnosisDownloads, whether it is for weight-loss or improving your mood or relationship.

I wish you a very happy, healthy and prosperous 2012, surrounded and loved by the people you love.

Elly

You may also be interested in:	Food affects your mood!
Ending a long-term relationship How to end a long-term relationship Divorce advice for men Divorce tips The secrets to happy relationship Get your ex back

---

Other helpful links and sources:

BPS Research Digest: Detailed study of tempation and resistance

Images courtesy of: 1 Billy Alexander; 2 Ilja Wankla; 3 Stephano Lunardi

---