What to expect in couples counselling
or marriage guidance

Can you expect to get the relationship you want?

In couple counselling or relationship counselling the counsellor aims to give you both equal time and attention.  This will help you each to get your side of the story across, without interruptions or rows.

Marriage guidance or relationship counselling can still be very helpful even if your partner does not want to come.  The counsellor will help you without judging either one of you and remain aware of 'the empty seat'.

How can marriage guidance counselling help?

To help you decide what the future might hold for you each one of you and/or for you as a couple, you are both encouraged and supported to:

• explain your hopes, dreams, worries and concerns
• understand each other better
• manage differences of opinion
• improve relationship communication
• explore whether there is still hope or whether to end the relationship
• talk more and differently to improve marital harmony
• learn problem solving techniques
• identify your ’wants’ and needs
• identify what is works well in your relationship/marriage – there are always things that you are doing really well!
• move on from the disappointments, hurts and anger
• move on if it is your decision to end the relationship/marriage
• identify your own individual resources and how best to use them
• identify your resources as a couple
• explore the impact of ending your relationship - positive and negative
  
• heal and move on when you are getting over an affair
• learn about differences in male and female brains
• get to know yourself better
  

A couple counsellor knows that often one of the partners is coming along reluctantly for relationship counselling; he/she will make every effort to help that person feel at ease.

What not to expect from relationship counselling

What you will NOT get in relationship counselling is:

• advice to end your relationship, without your having come to that conclusion yourself (though your counsellor will discuss your options with you, particularly if you are in an abusive relationship)
• an opinion on your partner/wife/husband in terms of ‘good’ or ‘bad’
• destructive criticism about behaviours/actions/opinions
• hope that your counsellor can change your partner

Your partner won’t come for counselling?

Often one of the partners does not want to come for counselling, for whatever reason.  Very often that is the male partner.  If you really think that relationship counselling can help and your husband/wife won't come - start by yourself.  He/she may decide to join you at a later stage.

Individual counselling can still help you to:

• consider and help to manage the effects of changes in you/your circumstances/your decisions on the people around you
• explore the role you might play in your relationship problem - without judgment
• explore your options in terms of your future
• improve your communication skills if necessary
• identify and deal with any personal, as well as marital/relationship problems
• get support if you or your partner end your relationship/marriage, from someone who is completely independent

Have the relationship you want

Often couples present with a number of difficulties.  Arguing, general communication problems, issues with in-laws, financial problems, problems with the children and/or sexual problems.

It may seem difficult to get the relationship you want when it feels so much is stacked up against you.  However, if you are both committed to sorting things out, there is every chance that you can have the relationship you want with the help of a couple counsellor.

Sorting out your personal stuff is very likely to have a positive impact on your relationship too.  You may have been trying to pretend you are over those emotional problems for years!  However, deep down you know that they are still there.

Just think how much better you could be feeling if you finally dealt with all that 'stuff'.  It could release emotional and physical energy that you could really do with investing in other areas of your life.  It may contribute to having the relationship you want!

No other way but to end the relationship/marriage?

Perhaps you have tried all you can to try to save your relationship/marriage.  Maybe you can see no other way forward but to end your relationship.

If you are ending your relationship I anticipate that you might be struggling for a while - emotionally for sure, but also socially and financially. It is completely normal at that time to suffer grief, feel low/depressed, out of control, angry, upset, etc.

Don’t let anybody tell you when you should be over that!  Telephone counselling can help you to feel less alone with it all with my being, in a way, almost right next to you.

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