How to thrive as the partner or spouse of a top-sporter

How to support your athlete partner or spouse

When your partner is a (professional) athlete/sportsperson, they may participate in major championships.

You may or may not be there to share their joy when they reach and surpass their sporting goals (or not), whether in athletics, tennis, skating, skiing, or any other (team) sport.

As an athlete’s (long-term) partner, you may have contributed considerably to their success – even if that isn’t always recognised. And you may also have had a taste of the attention and glamour that may come with high-profile sporting achievements.

How much of a contribution you make depends on the stage of your relationship – from “we’re kind of close” to “we’re living together or married with children” – and your commitment. 

But, top-sport doesn’t necessarily go well with being in a close couple relationship as there can be some considerable downsides.

If the two of you got together during their success, you might have been thrust into the limelight before you knew what awaited you. You may have been pre-warned about the pitfalls by other sports’ widows’ or ‘widowers’.

However your partnership began, it’s unlikely that you were prepared for the day-to-day reality of being in a relationship with an elite athlete. Or that you were aware of the impact their sport could have on your own emotions and feelings.

I want to reassure you that your situation and feelings are not unusual and easily understood by many fellow ‘sufferers’.

You’ll share the good times – the glory, achievements, money (for some) – and the chance to support someone you love achieve their goals. But, there’s also a downside to life with an athlete, often little understood by outsiders.

What being a partner or spouse of a top sporter can be like

11 reasons why the sport will come before you and the family

1. They plan year(s) ahead with their sport in mind, with possibly little thought or attention for any other significant events or your day-to-day needs.
2. Their first question is always: “does this help or hinder my training schedule, rest or physical condition?”
3. They rigidly stick to their training schedule, with very little room for manoeuvre.
4. They may ‘obsess’ about their food intake.
5. They’re unlikely to accompany you to many – if any – social events if there’s any chance it could interfere with their sleep or training schedule. Or they’re too tired even to consider going out.
6. They’re often completely worn out, very particular about when and how they should rest and likely need more sleep than the average person.
7. They’re very unlikely to train for less than 25 hours a week. If they have another job, it’s probably only part-time. Therefore they’ll have little time left for you.
8. They’ll probably only ever be partially available to you, even if the two of you have planned some time together. They’ll still be thinking about how they’re feeling and what’s awaiting them.
9. Their teammates are likely to be more important than you (if they participate in team sports).
10. They’ll be away a lot of the time, travelling to and from training camps and competitions – even more so in the year leading up to the Olympics.
11. After a major event like a championship, you might think you’ll have your partner’s attention for a while. However, if their sense of self is significantly tied up with their sport and achievement, they’ll be at risk of becoming depressed if they feel they’ve failed or let the side down in any way.

What motivates them?

Your athlete partner is most likely to be motivated by one or more of the following:

7 potential reasons why they strive for ever-higher achievements

1. The utter joy of surpassing their previous successes and perceived limitations.
2. They may have been good at their particular sport from a very young age and been encouraged/pushed by their parents to constantly achieve more (not necessarily a positive).
3. They have their attention needs met (essential to us all) in pretty high doses because of their potential to achieve.
4. All the trappings of possibly fame and recognition can become a motivator in their own right.
5. They may have become addicted to the endorphin rush associated with physical achievement.
6. They may have become accustomed to a high income (for a few).
7. Their self-esteem may depend on their role as a sports person, particularly if they can’t imagine doing anything else.
8. They may feel they have no other option – for several reasons.

Which of these points do you think fit your partner? What does that mean for you, your partner and your relationship?

Sport is all about emotion

You only have to look at the faces of athletes and their supporters to realise the scale of the emotions at play.

You can read the highs and lows of the competition and achievements in the reactions of fans, teammates, trainers, coaches, managers and sponsors. All have a vested interest in your partner’s success, adding to the pressure of expectation your partner will feel.

It’s, therefore, easy for your partner to fall into the trap of wanting to be their best, not only for themselves but also to avoid letting others down.

At the same time, they may well be aware they’re striving to fulfil their dreams at the expense of you and your relationship.

What about your feelings?

I remember seeing a clip of 5-times Olympic rowing champion Steve Redgrave. On the morning of his birthday, he was woken by his wife and children, singing “Happy Birthday dear daddy” with a card and presents. Yet that evening, he proclaimed he had had a shit day because training had been disappointing. I wondered what that meant for his wife and kids.

Do you recognise any of the following?

• Pride and joy because you’re with someone so motivated, committed, high-achieving and perhaps a great role-model
• Joy because your partner loves you
• Pride when their achievements meet their own and everyone else’s expectations
• Happiness and joy when the two of you are free to spend some time together (assuming you’re not dealing with any other significant relationship problems)
• Disappointment, frustration and even anger when you’re not considered in decisions that have an impact on your life too
• Disappointment and frustration about yet another cancelled social event or about having to make yet another important decision by yourself
• Exasperation and exhaustion about having to be a single parent
• Rejection when you realise that they are sitting next to you but is barely aware of your presence.
• Irritation and anger at your lack of control around food, daily schedules and rest
• Sadness and disappointment about all too often coming last and realising that trying to compete with their sporting needs is a waste of time
• Anger and frustration if you’re acknowledged only as the girlfriend/wife or boyfriend/husband of [insert name here], and not for yourself in your own right
• Insecurity on account of everything a relationship with a top sporter entails.

It may be challenging to know who you can trust. The lure of even a loose association with fame can unhinge even the most down-to-earth and trustworthy person. Particularly at the hands of news-hunters needing to fill their papers and TV headlines.

If so, here’s what you can do to help yourself survive and thrive.

How to survive and thrive when you’re in a relationship with or married to a top sporter

You know what it can be like being in a relationship with a top sporter.

Here’s how you can cope with the possibly turbulent times:

• Invest in your development and social connections. Don’t just wait for your partner to fulfil your needs. Your career, friends and family are really important, as are your own interests. Become the best version of yourself without your partner (see How to ‘make’ your partner love you).
• Accept and get used to being on your own for long periods. Set out to fill the time in ways that meet your needs. Accept, though, that life will be different when your partner’s home.
• Be prepared to adjust to the sometimes sudden change in circumstances. For example, your partner may feel anything from elated to deflated. They may be out of the running, knocked sideways and depressed by an injury. Their mood will have an impact on your mood too!

Dealing with being in the public eye

You may be thrust into the limelight or completely ignored as if you don’t exist (other than being the partner or spouse of…).

You might have to contend with the press and social media. There’s enormous pressure on the entertainment industry to produce TV 24/7. Being the first and only source to publish anything that captures attention is the ultimate prize.

You need to expect that you may get caught up in that. And remember: what you read may be anything from a little distorted to completely and utterly false. You’ll also have to deal with the social media fall-out, which can include adoration as much as total condemnation and even abuse. 

To keep yourself sane:

1. Protect your privacy – review and tighten your permissions in your social media accounts. I recommend considering deleting anyone you’ve acquired as online friends who aren’t part of your real-life inner crowd.
2. Anticipate that you may suddenly be thrust into the limelight. Ask fellow partners how they’ve fared and their tips for dealing with it. Have a script at the ready, practice it and, like a politician, stick to what you’re prepared to reveal and give away absolutely nothing else. Be wary of the sneaky, indirect questions to get you to reveal more than you want.
3. Do not go hunting on the internet for what other people say or think about your partner (or you)!

Dealing with your partner’s emotions

Your partner will experience different emotions during the training season, before and after a major competition, and in everyday life away from the sport.

The intensity of emotion is often at its greatest before a major event. Your partner will be acutely aware that they have to be in the right frame of mind as well as in top physical condition. The right frame of mind may require much giving on your part. There won’t be anything spare for the taking!

The end of their sporting career

At some point, they’ll be too old, not up to it or “not good enough” anymore.

The end of your partner’s sporting career, however it happens, can be a particularly challenging time. It’s not unusual for an ex-sporter to fall into a big black hole and suffer from severe depression when everything they’ve known falls away.

How they handle this depends on:

• how well they’ve remained integrated within their family, friends and community at large
• How strong their sense of self is away from the sport
• What things than their sports provide them with a sense of meaning and purpose.

Your role at this time should primarily focus on supporting them through this transition. Good communication, patience and empathy are essential in helping you make the most of your time together.

You can help your partner realise that they are not their sport. There is so much more to them. That may be hugely difficult for them to see, particularly if, since their childhood, their body may have been seen as a sort of commodity.

Encourage your partner to focus away from the sport when possible and remind them of their role as a partner, parent, friend, sibling, daughter/son, etc.

What about your needs?

What if you have to deal with a personal crisis?

That will be a real test of the health and strength of your relationship. You may have to be prepared for the fact that your partner won’t be able to support you as fully as you’d have liked. Their focus is likely to remain single-mindedly on their sport. So, dropping hints that you need them won’t work. You’ll need to make it crystal clear…

• What you’re going through
• How you’re feeling
• Specifically, what you need from your partner.

You may have to be particularly assertive without setting yourself up for disappointment.

Finally

Last but not least, if your partner is playing a contact sport, I’d like you to know the possible consequences for his brain. So, please also read my article on CTE and your relationship.

A relationship with a top sporter will have its highs and lows, just like the sport. Communication is key, as is your willingness to come second to the sport, accepting the importance of sport in your partner’s life.

However, you will need to remain your very own best friend and build your life as a couple with your needs in mind also.

Other helpful links

Independent: Confessions of an Olympic Widow
BBC Documentary: Gold Fever