The secrets to a happy relationship

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What makes for a happy relationship?  How can you ensure a happy marriage?  What makes for happy people in a relationship, so that they are more resilient when dealing with the inevitable difficult times?

I really want you to feel that you have every chance of being happy!  That is what I work towards in all of my sessions as a (couple) counsellor.  I know it can be really tough and SO stressful to have relationship problems.

So, in this article I aim to present you with tips that will help you to create the best possible chances for a happy marriage or long-term relationship.  This article is a 'marriage' between my experience as a couples counsellor and some research findings.

Recipe for a happy marriage/relationship

Of course it is vital that you start with some common ground.  Shared values and beliefs without a doubt strengthen a relationship.

Beyond that, I am assuming that you have already filtered out unsuitable partners (if not: see Stay Or Walk Away) and have established or are in the process of establishing a great long-term relationship with or without a view to getting married.

What are the secrets of happy relationships?

Attention - fulfilling an essential emotional need

 The way couples give and receive attention is THE most important factor in an intimate relationship.  As human beings our need for attention overrides any other need.  So, simply by giving your partner attention you will do your relationship/marriage the world of good.

There is one caveat though.  It has to be the kind of attention that your partner values.  So, for example, showering your partner or spouse with kisses at every opportunity may feel great for you.  BUT if that makes your partner feel overwhelmed - don't be surprised if, rather than creating intimacy, you are actually achieving the opposite.

Here are some tips on how to give attention:

• send a card every now and then, when it is not expected
  
• leave 'love notes' in brief/suit cases, lunch boxes, pockets
  
• tell your partner what exactly you love about him/her and ...
• why that is important to you, rather than just saying you love him/her
• flirt with your partner/spouse, in the way that you know he/she appreciates - regardless how long you have been together
• continue to invest time in novel activities, outings, experiences (it stimulates the dopamine circuit, which helps to create that wonderfully exciting romantic feeling)

All the following tips in this article are examples of giving attention too.

Oh ... and by the way ... giving each other attention implies giving each other generously of your time ...

Helpful non-verbal communication

The purpose of communicating in the context of your relationship includes creating a sense of intimacy - emotionally and sexually.

Communication can be divided into verbal communication and non-verbal communication. The two of course often overlap, but let's break them down even further.  Verbal communication consists of talking and listening, but also writing and reading.

Verbal communication happens face-to-face, via electronic communication or any hand-written communication.

I have written several articles on nonverbal communication and body language.

However, an article on recipe for a healthy relationship/marriage would not be complete with some additional tips:

• Look into each other's eyes - you'll see couples do it when they first fall in love.  Gazing into your partner's eyes really 'affirms' him or her

• Hold, stroke, massage hands (and feet - when appropriate!)

• Touch in many unexpected ways - without making it sexual, as well as ... in a suitable environment ;-). Touching stimulates the release of oxytocin - the bonding hormone, which creates a sense of trust and security.

For touching, with or without sexual connotation, to really work its magic, you each need to have the intent to please your partner.  It needs sensitivity and possibly a willingness to move out of your comfort zone - even if slowly ...

You or your partner may have grown up in a family where people were just not used to being tactile.

You or your partner/spouse may, sadly, have been subjected to inappropriate touching in the past.  Therefore any touching - hugging, cuddling, kissing, holding hands, etc may sadly come with a great deal of anxiety.  I so know about this problem from all those clients (including couples) who have sought my help.  If this is you - I just want you to know that you can overcome this problem.  Do consider talking therapy - (relationship) counselling can make such a difference.

Helpful verbal communication

There are hundreds of pages of this website with relationship advice.  They all contribute to your knowledge, awareness and understanding of problems and situations.  All that can improve your empathy and compassion, which in turn can contribute to your verbal communication with each other.

However, pages with particular information about verbal communication are:

• Arguing couples
• Relationship problem - advice
• Relationship communication
• Anger management tips

(See links further down.)

Sharing - giving and receiving

Sharing is what a happy relationship is all about.  It can make the mundane special, excitement unforgettable and distress bearable.  Share:

• chores - make the boring stuff 'manageable'

• new activities - stimulates the dopamine circuit in the brain, encouraging feelings of romantic love, which in turns stimulates the testosterone circuit (in men and women) - creating the right 'chemical' environment for a possible sexual encounter

• self-disclosure - talking about what is going on for you.  This kind of sharing is different for men and women - obviously on a scale.  Women can learn to accept that men do it differently, men can learn from women how to create intimacy without sex.  (Clearly I am generalising here!)

• problems and concerns (see empathy and compassion further down)
  

Maintain your sense of humor

Oh ... how a laugh can change the meaning of just about everything, lightening the mood, improving circumstances simply by changing your perception, normalising, as well as potentially creating a sense of togetherness.  How much happier could you be if there was more laughter in your relationship?

Be aware though - some people are genetically predisposed to not understand the re-interpretation of a 'serious' thought, circumstance or experience into something humorous.  They have a tendency to take everything literally and have great difficulty to see the 'funny side'.  People on the autistic spectrum, including Asperger syndrome, fall into this category (I mention this, because I have seen quite a number of couples where one of the partners was suffering from this syndrome).  Prof Simon Baron-Cohen again has written a very helpful book on the subject: Autism and Asperger Syndrome (The Facts).

Dealing with relationship problems and other challenges

Calming stormy waters

Empathy means the ability and capacity to observe, recognise and respond to what someone else is feeling.  We have in our brain a set of nerve cells, which help us do exactly that.  When you winch when someone else hurts themselves.  Your mirror neurons, as well as your imagination, are helping you to 'put yourself in your partner's shoes'.

Empathising with your partner will be enormously comforting.  During arguments it can take the wind right out of your partner's sails!

Women on the whole are much better at empathising.  However, Prof Simon Baron-Cohen talks about 'empathising brains' and 'systemising brains'.  Women are more likely to empathise and men more likely to systemise, but there is every potential for that to be reversed in an individual.  His book:  The Essential Difference will help you understand your partner/spouse much better - it could prove to be a really wise investment!

The power of compassion

Compassion is a virtue that follows from empathy.  You may not always understand what your partner is going through.  You may even feel 'put off' by their response to a difficulties.  However, if you can empathise and refrain from judging - it will allow you to feel compassionate and offer support in a way that is valued by your partner.

The plain message is: be kind to each other!  If you would not dream of treating your best friend, mother, brother, boss, sister or whoever else with something - than don't do it to your partner.

Accept each other - really?

There is very little else I can add to that other than: you cannot change your partner.  Certainly people change when they meet the 'light of their life'.  However, in a way they have chosen to change - in their own time, in a way that feels authentic to them.

You can attempt to make your partner aware, ask for change, support and encourage.  BUT ... it stops there!

It does help if you understand more about how your partner 'operates'.  Therefore recommend you have a look at what Dr Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist, has discovered about compatibility.  She has studied the brain systems involved in 'love' and has come up with some very interesting discoveries.  Her books are a fascinating read for anybody interested in compatibility and how we make our relationships work - or not!

Be willing to ride the waves

Of course you are going to experience difficult times.  I think that often in particular younger people have an unrealistic expectation of what lies ahead (yes ... I was one of them!).  If only I could protect you from the inevitable challenges! 

However, the ups are as much part of life as the downs.You will get through those challenging times though - be they relationship problems, problems with family or at work, with your children, financial or personal problems. A crisis never lasts and there is an end to everything - that includes the bad times. I have written 100's of pages to help you - so go ahead and browse.

If you can learn to ride the waves together, than there is every chance that you will grow stronger as a couple.

Having trouble sorting that one? Have a look at this really effective programme if you or your partner don't fancy the idea of relationship counselling.  Many people find counselling far to 'scary' and this is a great alternative for taking positive action.

Protect what you have

Arguing ...?  Not a problem in principle, but know when it gets out of hand.  When you, or your partner/spouse are beginning to lose control - stop!  That is the point at which there is every chance that you become personal.  Attacking each other as people, rather than asking for behaviour to change is a sure way to undermine the health of your relationship.  It creates resentment and a great deal of unhappiness.

It is vital that you resolve conflicts constructively.  See Arguing couples.

The future

Renegotiate your 'contract'

There is often an implied 'contract' between partners.  You may have firm understandings about some things and you may have 'kind off' have agreed on other 'stuff'.  However, you both come into this relationship with a gene pool, a history of interpreting the world in your unique way and making up 'rules' about life based on your experiences.  This creates unconscious patterns, which only reveal themselves over time.  Suddenly you find that you are wanting certain things to happen, which you actually never had an agreement on.

I sometimes think that relationships should come with a 'renewal' date.  You will periodically have to renegotiate the terms and conditions of your relationship/marriage.  This is to accommodate changing circumstances, as well as an increased self-awareness and knowledge and understanding of your partner.

You and your partner will do really well if there is space for you both to learn, change and grow. It is unrealistic to expect you both to stay the same.

Your and your partner's goals

Create and maintain an interest in each other's goals. See this research article.

Almost' unconditional commitment

I am saying 'almost' as there are always circumstances in which it is vital that you end your relationship as soon as possible. Invariably it relates to safety and security.  There is no place for any abuse - verbal, emotional and sexual - in any relationship!

Commitment also involves loyalty and mutual trust. Interestingly though, biological anthropologist Prof Helen Fisher maintains that the news is not that human being have extramarital affairs, but that they aim to be monogamous!

Prevent boredom slipping in by stealth

Well ... I am coming to the end of this article.  Dealing with boredom is covered in Bored in your relationship?

Any other ideas for a happy relationship?

Apply any of these princinples to enjoy an improvement in your relationship.  However, I am sure that you can come up with some tips yourself.  Please don't keep them to yourself ... SHARE YOUR TIPS for a happy relationship/marriage.

You may also be interested in:	Food affects your mood!
Relationship problems Stress and relationships Relationship quizzes Sexual relationship problems How to improve libido How to get your ex back Arguing couples Relationship problem - advice Relationship communication Anger management tips

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Images: 1 © | Stocknadia; 2 Yuri Arcurs | Dreamstime.com; 3 Laura Glover

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