Author: Elly Prior | First published: 22-09-2010 | Modified: 21-10-2017
Relationship communication can be really tricky! To effectively deal with a relationship problem, any advice really does need to include help with communication - even though there are likely to be other aspects of the relationship needing attention.
You may feel hurt, and struggle to understand that after frequent explanations your partner still doesn't 'get it'! You may have repeated the same thing over and over again, and now it only causes arguments.
Even when you seem to be getting through, you can often feel disappointed again later when you discover that nothing's really changed. I so hope I can help you with your relationship issues.
You're viewing the world, other people, and yourself through a 'template'.
Your own personal template is shaped by your age, gender, culture, health, previous experiences and so on. It determines the meaning you attach to whatever's going on around you and your understanding of the words and phrases other people use.
You're likely to want to surround yourself with people who think in a similar way to you. They unconsciously confirm that your way of seeing things is the right way. The books you read, the TV programmes you watch and the music you listen to all confirm that too. You're constantly filtering out information that doesn't fit with how you see yourself, without even knowing.
Why doesn't your partner understand?
Don't forget that a word is only a symbol for what's going round in somebody's head. Your 'translation' of that symbol may not come anywhere near what the other person really meant.
For this reason, it's no wonder you and/or your partner misunderstand each other so often! And unfortunately that means you end up with a relationship problem. Advice from a professional counsellor can make all the difference, as he or she can explain and 'translate' for you both.
When you first met your partner you were really relating to a fantasy - you 'edited out' information about him or her with your own personal template.
You didn't reveal all of yourself either... in some sense you presented yourself as 'the princess' or 'the knight'.
Relationship problems creep in when you both think you're talking about the same things when in reality you aren't. Each of you is prone to missing masses of information - so you may as well be speaking in different languages!
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head.
If you talk to him in his language, that goes to his heart."
Your conversations are based on assumptions you've unwittingly made. You assume what your partner means, as per your own understanding of the world around you. You're confusing the 'map' with the 'territory'.
You'll reach the point when you can no longer ignore the hidden stuff in your partner, or continue to hide what you choose not to reveal. Slowly you each become aware of what and who you're really dealing with. Only then can you begin to accept, reject, challenge and/or negotiate. (Do try not to complain though - it's way too unproductive!)
In a 'good enough' relationship the observing of, learning about and communicating about what's "inside your head" is a continuous process. You're fine-tuning your template by trial and error, and creating something more realistic and mature.
Here is the best advice for your relationship problems I can give you...
Check, and check again - with yourself and your partner - what assumptions you may have made. Have you jumped to conclusions without having the full story? You may have got it right first time, but you could be oh so wrong!
I really hope this article is of help to you. :-)
I frequently update my articles based on feedback, therefore I really value your vote. If you think I've missed something, please do let me know in the comment section below.
Thank you so much in anticipation. :-)