Author: Elly Prior | First published: 23-09-2010 | Modified: 24-10-2017
There are effective solutions to solving the problems in a sexless marriage or relationship. It's time to sort it out before it leads to a complete marital or relationship breakdown.
... uncovers the causes
... helps you to better communicate about it
... tells you when to see a doctor
... has information on what to do and...
... what not to do
You may also be interested in How to Increase Your Libido.
Good communication is all important.
Your sexual relationship is one way of communicating your love and desire for each other. It is also a way to just enjoy yourself and eachother's company and as well as starting a family!
However, if talking in general, let alone about sex, is a problem, then do start with my other pages on communication, such as How To Stop Arguing.
I'll be here when you come back.
A sexless relationship or marriage can be due to all kinds of problems - physical and/or emotional.
Here are just a few examples, some of which you might recognise:
I am a qualified and experienced couple counsellor. By the time my clients come to see me, the lack of sex may have led to all kinds of other relationship problems.
Your physical relationship is a way of expressing yourself. You communicate for example your feelings of love, lust and desire... but also potentially anger and disgust.
You can see, then, that if the two of you are having problems communicating with each other in general, this is likely to happen in the bedroom too.
How easy it is to misinterpret each other is evident in the following example from my practice as a couple counsellor. This shows the link between a breakdown in communication and the associated effects on a sexual relationship...
Generally speaking, men more often want to have sex to feel close to their partner and, after an argument, to re-establish closeness... and this may well be misinterpreted!
Regardless of your sexual orientation or gender, a lack of sex could lead to you feeling rejected, sad, hurt, disappointed, frustrated or angry. These feelings in themselves can become a real barrier to building and maintaining a loving, satisfying sexual relationship. In other words - your perception of the problem can become a major contributing factor.
Things that will not help you to have more sex include...
Infidelity might seem like a solution for your frustration, however trust me when I say it'll just cause no end of trouble further down the line.
Just in case you think your partner might be being unfaithful, though, take a look at the infidelity warning signs on this page to help you figure out if maybe that's what is contributing this problem.
Sexual arousal is a very complex process (like every other function in the body) and involves:
Problems with - and imbalances in - any of these are likely to affect your sexual desire. If it's not addressed, a chronic lack of sexual desire (as well as other problems of course) can sadly lead to a virtually or even completely sexless marriage or relationship.
The process of improving your libido, first and foremost, involves ensuring overall physical, mental and emotional well-being. I know - it's disappointing that there isn't a 'quick fix'. However, stick with me and don't despair...
If sex is the cause of your relationship problems I'd really like you to see a doctor first. We'll want to rule out any medical problems and thereby the possible cause of your trouble.
Getting medical help and advice with any or all of the following can really help to enhance your libido...
For any problems with your mental and emotional well-being, do continue to explore this site as it's packed with advice to help you out with all kinds of issues.
But, before you do so (or read on), do watch this video for the best advice from a colleague couple therapist (btw, you might want to share it with your partner!)...
Your physical relationship involves much more than full sex. It is part of the 'dance' of communication between two people.
Your 'physical' relationship as part of a loving, committed couple includes enjoying:
All this can and should be part of your relationship without the expectation that it will lead to sex. This kind of physical communication should ideally be part and parcel of your everyday life.
I'd really encourage you to invest in being 'physical' in this way and become skilful at it, particularly if it's not part of your experience now. And when you're ready to start healing your sexless marriage or relationship, you'll find foreplay so much more enjoyable.
If for any reason you can't have penetrative sex, being able to lovingly pleasure each other will help to calm the waters.
Can you have a conversation about this with your partner or spouse without it turning into an argument? Or would you rather avoid the subject completely?
It may be that you find talking about sex really difficult, so having a 'proper conversation' about it within the context of a loving relationship may seem ever so daunting. Particularly so if you want to challenge your partner about your sexless marriage.
If so - I hope I can help you along a bit. Below is a list of questions that'll help you give your conversation about sex a focus.
Once you get the hang of it and you've got to know what makes your partner ticks a bit better, you may feel more confident talking about whatever sexual problem is troubling you. So, here goes...
Think about contacting a licensed therapist who can really help you deal with your sexless marriage or relationship. Learn more on my page: Online Relationship Advice
Consider contacting a REGAIN licensed couple therapist. Scroll down to the blue box to learn more.
If counselling isn't an option for you, have a look at my review of this really effective Relationship/Marriage Repair Blueprint. Imagine the relief you'll feel when you get that problem sorted!
Check the side effects of any medication you're taking. Your drug may be your problem. Learn more on my page: How to Increase Low Libido
Stop pretending! Have a look at my Relationship Quiz to help you make the right decision.
There's a super self-hypnosis download for dealing with feeling shy when you're naked. Don't let your shyness and discomfort lead to a sexless marriage, whereby making love is the last thing on your mind.
Don't despair - I recommend self hypnosis for a huge range of emotional and sexual problems. Have a look at my review of hypnosisDownloads.com very likely has just the right download to help you - no matter what issues you're facing. It's a straightforward and cost-effective way of helping yourself - in the comfort of your own home!
Let's not forget the gay/lesbian - bisexual - heterosexual - transgender 'issue'.
I can't do any better than let artist iO Tillet Wright do the talking here...
I do hope you've found this page helpful. And that you're on your way to figuring out the underlying cause of - and solution to - your sexless marriage/relationship.
I really hope this article is of help to you. :-)
I frequently update my articles based on feedback, therefore I really value your vote. If you think I've missed something, please do let me know in the comment section below.
Thank you so much in anticipation. :-)
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When He or She Has Fallen out of Love with You