Yelling and screaming triggers my depression

by Elly

Elly's response to Stacy. I suspect, Stacy, that anyone who feels yelled at is likely to feel upset by it. I can certainly see that you feel completely overwhelmed when you get shouted at. It seems everything becomes too much and you would probably just want to run away if you had half a chance. It would be a very natural thing to do - we were 'designed' to run away from something that scares us.

However, often we cannot take off - we have to stick with what we are given, for whatever reason. Your response then is to shut down - wanting to be left alone. How understandable! I read that you feel that you have no-one to turn to right now. Yet it would be so helpful if you could find some sensitive soul that would listen to you and help you through the difficult times.

Here are my suggestions for you, Stacy. Calmly read through them all. Read and re-read in different moods, as my words will sound different to you depending on what mood you are in and how you are feeling.

Start a 'journal'. Buy yourself a nice book in which to write down all your thoughts. Really commit to doing that once a day - no matter what. No need to worry about how you write it as it is just for you. Simply getting things of your chest can be really helpful. Paper is patient and it won't yell at you. ;-) Read your own writing back several times at different times, in different moods. Perhaps read it aloud to yourself - but with some soothing music in the background. By doing that those horrible memories from that day are likely to somehow feel different.

unless you are able to tell people calmly, no-one will understand how you feel. Nobody can read your mind, and if they attempt to make sense of what is going on for you, they are likely to get it wrong, unless you can explain it to them. Depending how reasonable those people are when they are not upset for some reason, you may need to have a calm conversation with them, when you are feeling at your best. Make sure you read all the relevant articles on my site several times just to make sure you have not missed anything that you can add to your own existing skills.


We have absolutely no control over other people. If you keep hoping that someone else will change and wait for them to treat you as you wish to be treated, you are setting yourself up to be forever depressed. People may change their attitude towards us if we change how we approach them. My suggestion for you would be to find two or three things in the way that you communicate with others that you can do better. Do whatever you can to improve those. Again, you are likely to find help with that on my site. No need to give yourself a hard time for what you have or have not done. Just be curious about what role you played in any given situation. Write about it, learn from it and try a different reaction next time. There is no failure - only feedback.

It is really important that you find a way of staying calm in the face of a storm. Next time when someone shouts at you, focus on your breathing. Try to deliberately slow down your breathing - particularly your outbreath. It would be absolutely fine to take your time learning to do that - it could be days, weeks or even months. But I promise you - the first time you succeed even doing one breath like that - you are likely to feel just great. In fact, why not practice that when you read your own writing about such a situation, so that you can practice it without any further stress. Since you are a caregiver - these kind of skills will help you do your job even better, helping you to enjoy your work even more.

My last tip is that you find someone to talk to. That could be a professional, someone from a church or a charity, or someone in your place of work, if not a friend or member of your family. Why not start with making a list of all the people you know, regardless of how you know them, when you met them and whether or not you have lost touch with them. Teachers, doctors, that woman in the corner shop, that person you pass in the park, that colleague, your neighbour, etc, should all be included. Don't make any judgments - you just want names in a column on a sheet of paper. When you are done (it may take a couple of days to remember them all), you are ready for the next step. Tick against their names in four more columns, whether they could possibly offer you emotional support, practical support, advice, or just the occasional company for a bit of fun and laughter. You may just be surprised to find that perhaps there are a few people you could turn to.

I hope, Stacy, that you find something in my suggestions that will lift you out of that depression (don't call it 'your' depression ;-), it is not really something you would want to own).

I wish you all the very best.