When you don't know who your father is...

If you are looking for your biological father, you may have landed on this page because

  • You may have been told later in life that the person you thought was your father isn't (or wasn't) your biological father.
  • Maybe your mother doesn't know who your father is.
  • You grew up suspecting that you're somehow 'different' from your (half) siblings.
  • You were created with the help of an unknown sperm donor.

Each one of these four reasons come with its own challenges. All come with a nurtured desperate longing to feel 'whole'.

You too may have never felt 'complete' - always as if there was always a piece of you missing.

You might wonder why he never contacted you. Why he didn't try to find you. You may suspect that you've been told lies, that there are secrets. It gnaws at you.

I want you to know that you're not alone with all those tumultuous feelings. There are so many other people just like you, who for any and more of the reasons above are asking themselves: "Who is my father?"

Picture quote: Search for your father, if you can't get him out of your mind. But, don't let it become all-consuming.

Why would your mother want to lie?

Let's look at what could have possibly happened. Though I suspect you've already come up with a whole list of your own imagined scenarios.

Your mother might want the identity of your father to remain a secret:

  • Your father may have been mentally, physically and/or sexually abusive.
  • Your mother may have been raped by a stranger, or if so: more likely, someone in her own circle of friends or family
  • Your mother may be feeling ashamed of the circumstances of the start of her pregnancy.
  • Your father may be/have been imprisoned.

5 Reasons that help build your case

Whatever the reason was though, it's clearly time and okay now to think about your own needs. You have the right to find your father and get some closure. You need to know what happened, what your DNA is. Time is of the essence particularly if you're dealing with an ageing parent. The needs of either of your parents is now secondary to yours.
Be kind, but self-assured and assertive - you have the right to find out who you really are.

You need to know about your parents health problems

You will want to know if you have any other family, such as half-brothers and sisters

What happened?

  • Fathers may be, or were, convinced they've done the right thing
  • Initially thinking there'll be a chance to see again. The longer it takes the easier to forget.
  • Taken a decision whilst being emotional
  • didn't know about pregnancy
  • thwarted attempts to contact

How likely is it that your father is waiting for you to contact him?

  • Your father may not be the person they used to be. He may have 'grown up' at last. 
  • He may never have forgotten you. Yet, he's unlikely to have felt able to discuss this 'secret' with anyone.
  • He may be hoping for a second chance.
  • He may regret their actions at the time. He may have felt guilty for all this time.
  • May have dreamt of having the opportunity to hold you in his arms (again)
  • May have tried to find you
  • May have done the very best he could to stay in touch
  • May not have wanted to try for fear of rejection (yes, I understand you may find that a lame excuse!)

You could be in for a shock

You may have already thought about the following 'surprises'.

You father may...

  • have established another family who don't know about his past and he doesn't want them to find out.
  • have done his utmost to forget you and doesn't want to be reminded of the past
  • not be mature enough to see the see the wonderful opportunity to heal your wounds

7 Consequences of not knowing your father

  1. Broken relationship with lying mother
  2. Difficulties making attachments, 
  3. Broken relationships
  4. Fleeting relationships
  5. Feeling alone and lonely even in company
  6. Feeling you don't belong or 'fit in' anywhere
  7. Lack of trust

Here's one man's story, though it could easily been told by a woman...

Related articles

How to Build Your Self-Esteem

Other helpful links

Salvation Army Family Tracing Service

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Elly Prior

It's me - Elly Prior, I'm the Founder and Author of this site. I'm a 'real' person! I'm hoping to make a positive difference, small or large, to every person who visits my site.

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Images courtesy of: Symphony of Love