What can I do to end it softly

by Andrew
(Uganda)

From Andrew, with Elly's reply
Racheal is a beautiful woman, we started out when we were about 17, but kind of lost touch for about 3 years. It's been a month now since we got back in touch, but I thought she would still be the same girl. We would sometimes meet after her work for a meal. She would visit on weekends and she was so much of a friend. She confessed how she loved me to which I wasn't really certain of how to respond for fear of disappointing her. Its the only love I had known ... so I thought maybe it will grow, because honestly I wasn't feeling it (just realized).

I met Rita two months ago, but looks like I've known her longer than that. She makes me feel like I've never before. Worse still, I dont think about Racheal with her around. She has all I've ever wanted Racheal to be ... though not the looks, which I care less about. She wants a serious relationship with me and I dont want to lose her, not for anything. I feel changed already, because of her. Now I know what love is. She hasn't done anything, just being herself makes me like her so much.

I want to be happy, Rita gives me that, but I know its going to hurt Racheal. What can I do to be happy?

Elly's reply

Andrew, it feels like there is a whole chunk of information missing here. On the one hand you write that you have hardly been seeing Rachel - "kind of lost touch for three years", "only a month since back in touch". On the other hand, you write that Racheal has been coming over for weekends and that she is the only love you had known.

It suspect that the relationship with Racheal has been more serious than you perhaps dare to admit here.

It sounds like Rita has well and truly triggered the dopamin circuit in your brain. She is probably permanently 'camping in your brain'. I can understand that you want to be happy and persue that relationship.

Ending relationships of any kind well is a skill. It starts with being honest with yourself and acknowlegding the degree of investment (in terms of energy, emotional investment, financial commitments, time, etc.) you each had in that relationship.

If you want to end the relationship with Racheal (I think it was much more than a friendship), you will need to give it the care and the attention that it and she deserve.
You cannot end a relationship with someone who loves you without her feeling any hurt and disappointment - so be prepared for that. I have about four or five pages on endings on this site, therefore I won't write further about how to end a relationship it here.

I wish you all the best, Andrew.

Elly

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