Warning signs of a break up

Signs that the two of you could soon be breaking up

Are you suspecting that what you are seeing are the warning signs of a breakup?  Is your wife/girlfriend, husband/boyfriend about to end the relationship/marriage or are you?

If you are worried that your partner or spouse is looking for a way out, you need to be fully aware of the warning signs.

Your partner, or maybe you, will have come to the conclusion that it is all over after repeated periods of unhappiness.  Often these periods of dissatisfaction, irritation, anger, frustration, hurt and disappointments increase in length and appear more frequently.

In a long-term committed relationship, the signs that your relationship is in trouble are very likely to appear in stages and cycles.  It is not unusual for these cycles of ups and downs to continue over several years.

However, sometimes a breakup appears to happen out of the blue without apparent early warning signs.

Nevertheless, a breakup and even divorce is always a process with a beginning, a middle and an end - you'll know when you look back. Statements like ’I am leaving you’ or "I don't love you anymore" are unlikely to have risen out of a 'sudden' realisation - even if it seems like that to you.

Are they really normal 'ups and downs'?

Would you be surprised if your partner suddenly told you he or she doesn't love you anymore?

Would you be shocked like so many of my clients were?

Maybe you haven't been straight with your partner about how unhappy and scared about your future together you really are. You could have taken the ups and downs of your relationship or marriage as part of the ‘norm’. It may not have occurred to you that the swings in the mood of your relationship were warning signs that your relationship in real danger of petering out.

Do you truly know how your partner is feeling? Are you making assumptions about his or her mindset? Or you have deliberately chosen to ignore the signs and symptoms of a potential ending, because the thought of feeling alone and abandoned (again) are just too frightening to even contemplate.

Put your brave suit on now - you can do it! We're going in deeper...

6 Factors that underpin the warning signs

of an impending ending

The breakdown of a relationship happens in stages, with each stage having its own warning signs. The nature and the length of the stages of a breakup differ per couple.  Here are the factors that influence what the stages of a breakup look like:

1. your commitment at the start of the relationship
2. your commitment, care and consideration as your relationship grew
3. the length and 'intensity' of the relationship
4. your relationship histories - your attachments and previous endings
5. your life stages and ages - first long-term relationship, small kids, teenagers, elderly parents, mid-life, etc
6. your personalities

When it's time to end your relationship or marriage

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If you're not sure you would want to stay in this relationship, use my relationship compatibility questionnaire to help you decide now.

After that you'll be clear about your next step. You can take control and end your relationship or marriage or turn the warning signs of a breakup into your favour and repair what is broken in your marriage or relationship - with some help.

13 signs that your relationship is going down the pan

What are the signs that your relationship is in major trouble?

Here are some of the warning signs of a break up (though I would rather you look at them as signs that your marriage or relationship is in need of intensive care) - they count for either one of you:

1. You are not talking much about personal ‘stuff’ - you have little idea what is going on in your spouse's/girl/boyfriend's life
2. You're complaining about the same things over and over again
3. You can't come to an understanding or agreement over important issues
4. You end up feeling frustrated, angry and hurt, whenever you try to talk about them
5. You're feeling increasingly depressed - if you both feel like this on account of your relationship, then your feelings are definite warnings signs of a break up
6. You're becoming increasingly irritable and/or withdrawn
7. You're unhappy and may have even mentioned, or threatened with separation
8. You're going out more frequently or staying longer at work and you're increasingly leading separate lives
9. At least one of you is having an affair.
10. You're acting ‘out of character’, or perhaps you have 'not been yourself' lately
11. You're arguing more frequently as a couple and perhaps even treating each other with contempt
12. You are 'stonewalling' - ignoring your partner when you're miffed, pretending that he or she does not exist (wow, what a bad habit!)
13. You're inconsistent - you make promises about being there and then make yourself scarce

Some of these are obvious signs that the relationship is over. Act now! Do something about these warning signs of a breakup. Think about each of your roles in the difficulties, rather than blame each other.

You really need all the help you can get before you potentially make the biggest mistake in your life.

Learn how to survive a downturn in your relationship and turn it around, even if your partner doesn't appear to be interested - see: Save The Marriage (Relationship) Today for a review of a formula developed by Lee Baucom, PhD.

Signs of declining mental health instead?

Some of those signs could easily be signs of personal emotional and psychological problems.  What you are seeing or experiencing could be the signs and symptoms of stress or depression which are rapidly leading to relationship problems.  Whatever it is - it is time to take stock and take action!

What stage is your relationship at?

Where are you in the process?

Below I have listed the stages I've my clients go through.  Each stage has its own signs that your relationship is not what it should or could be. At the least you, your partner and your relationship will need some tender loving care!

Common, but often missed, stages of a breakdown

Either one of you could be at a stage whereby you...

1. accept that every relationship has its ups and downs
   
2. become aware that what seemed yet another ‘dip’ is lasting much longer than normal
3. attempted another conversation with your partner about how you feel (women tend to do this more often than men). If not - do it!
4. contemplate and perhaps even suggest couple counselling
5. make renewed efforts to improve the relationship clearly seeing the warning signs of an impending ending
   
6. become exhausted and increasingly unhappy by all the ups and downs
7. imagine what it would be like to end the relationship or marriage and be on your own
8. explore solutions to adverse practical and financial consequences
9. make concrete plans in anticipation of a separation
   
10. put off a conversation about ending the relationship or marriage, wondering how to do it
11. pluck up the courage and have disclosed your intention to seek a separation/divorce
    
12. attend counselling sessions ‘as a last resort’ (see my page about relationship or marriage counselling)

What to do next

Maybe you are now even more aware that your relationship really isn’t how you would want it to be.  I know that this is painful, however you have an opportunity to deal with these warning signs that your relationship could be coming to an end unless you do something about it now.

At any one of these stages there is a real chance to make sufficient changes to save your relationship!  You can make a difference all by yourself.

First of all you need to decide to stop blaming him or her. Take ownership of your role instead. You decided you wanted to be with him/her, you decided to put up with this or that, you were the one who could have done more (or less), etc. So, take control now - see how to save your marriage/relationship.

You can only change yourself - you cannot change your partner!

Don't make this mistake!

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Be kind to yourself right now, but don't hang around feeling sorry for yourself.

I totally understand if you are feeling down right now. However, you can't afford to become significantly depressed. You'll only slip into being so helplessness that you become incapable of grasping the opportunity to take action.

Yes, I know I'm tough on you, but I am doing so lovingly as I so believe that you deserve to be in a loving relationship.

Each of the problem stages above is a potential opportunity for you to save your relationship or marriage - perhaps with a little help.  Take action now!  

He or she wants a break?

This is the biggest warning sign of an impending break-up you could get. He or she is attempting to let you down gently. Your future is unclear now. There may be another person in their life.

Make no mistake, this could mean the end of your relationship. See my review of the resource you might need right now.

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