To end a relationship or not?

by Tanya A
(Anchorage, AK)

From Tanya
I met a 44yr old man on Nov. 8th, and we hit it off immediately. Turns out, he fell rather hard, but then got cold feet. He is only divorced since May 2010, and is still post-divorce not ready for the "real-deal", so to speak.

I am 35, divorced a little over a year now, and 100% ready to make another commitment, start a new relationship. He asks to be patient and give him time...the same time I had to heal and deal with all the emotional sideffects, etc. He is apprehensive in making future plans with me for fear of not feeling the same way months from now, and hurting me. Am I fool to wait? My friends say I should set a deadline in my head. If I do not see more of a commitment, then end it.

In all honesty, he is more distant now than ever due to the fact that I am a bit reactionary when he hurts my feelings. I am working on changing/improving my bad habits. I do contribute, or have contributed in the past to the relationship issues. I am 100% accountable and make an effort to show him I am changing. When you love someone, and they matter, this is what you do, in my opinion. YOU DO THE WORK NECESSARY.

I firmly believe, that love is love. You cannot fight feelings. If he wanted me, was in love with me, there would be no apprehension. He'd appreciate me, and not want to lose me.

My solution was taking a break so that he can do all the soul-searching he needs. He'll return to me if I matter.

Please help. Another opinion would be of great service to me.

Elly's reply

It sounds to me that you could be desperately in love with this man. However, I also think that you have possibly written and re-written your letter to me to 'tidy it up', Tanya. It appears full of 'head stuff' with little feeling and actual information about exactly what has happened. Neither is there any real information about your relationship history. I feel therefore hampered in writing anything really helpful.

I wonder, for instance, Tanya, what "I am a bit reactionary" really means? What exactly happened for you to be reactionary? I have no information either about his relationship and what happened to cause that to end. I would also like to know if there are any children involved, whether there is a history of domestic abuse, whether you have lived together, what role others play - such as your ex-husband and his ex-wife.

It seems to me that this relationship is very new - only 4 months and that although you got on well together initially - it really did not work out.

If you would like me to write more, please do submit again, giving me some further details. You may also find it helpful to have a good read of all the other advice on Help with ending relationships., to see if you could learn anything from that.

In the meantime - I wish you all the very best, Tanya. Take good care of yourself.

Elly

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