Stress and your relationship

How stress causes relationship problems and vice versa

I will be helping you to manage the stress, whether or not it is caused by problems in your relationship or by outside sources.

Stress in a relationship can be caused by a drip-drip effect of, for example, never-ending criticism. It can also come about as a result of a crisis, such as an affair, illness or the death of a loved one.

Avoiding issues can provide temporary relief, but they may lead to long-term trouble. 

Stress, whether from inside or outside your relationship/marriage, is likely to affect the way you think, feel and behave.  This invariably impacts on your spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend.

Are you stressed or is it your partner?

You or your partner may be suffering from stress from outside sources.  Try to take responsibility for your own recovery.  If you blame your partner, other people or ‘the situation’, you get trapped into feeling helpless and hopeless.  You also waste precious energy on stuff you have no control over.

Is your partner or are you able to help?

Ideally you would offer each other emotional and practical support.  Have you, or has he or she asked?  Neither of you are mind readers!

If he/she appears unable to help and/or support, try not to judge it.  It may be that, without your necessarily knowing, their own well-being is not good.

Maybe that unbeknown to you there are adverse family circumstances or stress at work, that they had not wanted to burden you with. I know from my work with police officers, for instance, that they would often not want to tell their partner what they have been involved in as it can be too distressing.

It could also be that he/she interprets your grumpiness as your being angry with him/her.  You may have appeared over-critical.  I know that when you are stressed that everything seems just too much and everybody seems out to make life difficult for you!

If you are supporting your partner, be sure to state what is and what is not OK for you.Suffering from stress long-term may come at a cost to your relationship/marriage.  It is vital therefore that you keep the channels of communication open.

How to make a start with getting better

If there are problems in your relationship, now is the time to sort them out.  Continuing to do what you have always done is not going to change anything.

Consider getting professional help from an experienced couple counsellor.  At least you won't feel so on your own in supporting your partner.

However, there is much you can do right now that can make a difference.  Continue reading!

7 Tips for dealing with stress

If you (and/or your boy/girlfriend or spouse) are stressed:

• accept that your partner cannot read your mind!
• visit my other relationship pages for help, support and advice
• visit the page explaining about a nervous breakdown
• calm yourself or do whatever you can to calm your partner/spouse - only when calm can you come up with solutions
• writing down your thoughts will help you to be more objective
• engage in meaningful and enjoyable activities, even if it seems too much of an effort
  
• deal with external sources of stress—your relationship/marriage is too precious - challenge or accept if you have no control, however difficult.

Helping your partner to cope with stress

• Encourage him/her to do the above.
• Accept that your partner is going to react and solve problems differently than you would, even if you don’t like or understand it!
• State clearly if something is really unacceptable to you.
• Act like a sounding board and refrain from making judgments.
• Only give advice when asked for.
• Accept that you and your partner’s time scale may be very different!
  

5 steps towards feeling better

• Talk about what you both have achieved in all areas of your life.  Write it all down and do not judge: this is your starting block (include ‘ordinary every day' achievements).
• Decide what you are going to do to build on that
• Break down your goals into small, measurable steps
• Set review dates 1 week, 1 month and 3 months ahead
• Think frequently: on a scale of 1 - 10, 10 being certain death - how important is this particular issue I am grappling with
  

How to ‘inoculate’ yourself against stress

Psychological health depends to a large extend on whether you are able to meet your most basic emotional needs (link to my page on the human givens) by the appropriate use of your innate resources.

Adopt a pro-active approach to your psychological well-being.  This will help to lower your stress levels in all areas of your life, including your relationship. Learn more about stress from an UK National Health Services doctor.

How to manage stress in your relationship

You are unlikely to eliminate all stresses in your marriage/relationship.  However, since relationship problems are one of the biggest causes of stress, it makes sense to deal with them.

Instead of hoping and wishing, why not get some counselling.  It will be a relief to be able to talk things through with someone completely independent.  I am in a sense only next door - a phone call away.

How to support your boy/girlfriend or spouse

Remember that what might comfort you, might increase someone else’s stress levels!  Support your husband/wife/partner with in what he or she finds helpful, as long as they are not putting themselves or anyone else at risk.

An introvert (someone who is more at ease with their own thoughts and feelings) is more likely to be soothed by peace and quiet, and solitary activities.

An extrovert (someone who likes going out, getting involved and being with other people) is more likely to cope by engaging in lively activities.

You are each on a continuum between introvert and extrovert.  Try to work towards a balance to avoid the risk of becoming polarised.

Finally

Nothing lasts in life - not the good times and not the bad times.  Work towards resolving the issues and keep chipping away at the stress in your relationship.

Try to remember that if your partner does not respond the way you would like - you would be wasting your energy complaining.  Do what you can to become the person you want to be.

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