Self obsessed and trapped
Well where do I start? I have always been image conscious and driven in anything I did, but it was a few years ago when it all started to take a deep effect on how I was towards the people that mattered the most to me!
My behaviour started to change from when I started taking steroids for weight training. I was not noticing this because if you really reflect on yourself you always convince yourself that your ok, not realising the destruction you are causing around you!!
I would say that I was not addicted but become obsessive with myself and my image. The other affects where aggression, lying and cheating and hurting the ones that cared around me. But at the same time I was still successful in my working life. Unfortunately I was not successful in the part of my life that meant the most - my personal life.
So as time went on I was continuing doing what I was doing, being selfish and self centred and slowly but surely pushing people away but thinking to myself "I am untouchable".
It was not until this year when I woke and realised this was not the real me, but it was a monster I had created from the obsessive side of my personality. This side had pushed me into a deep and dark place from which I thought I was never to be able escape.
I can recall before I started becoming this person I was kind, caring and down to earth. That was what I wanted to be again. As I had already pushed many people away, I thought I would never get it back.
So the real time I wanted to change was the first moment I made that call, my god was I scared. Because it was at that point I realised that I had problems. At the same time I was thinking of going on to anti depressents to help with the way I was feeling. Now I am truly glad I didn't as it seems a greater achievement as into what I have come through, without any artificial aids.
From my first counselling session I can recall being this lost, trapped and lonely person. Every single session helped me to not only realise what I have caused and what I have become, but to also learn to deal with the obsessive side of me. This side of me will never ever go completely, but what I have learnt to do is to control it and channel it through different avenues.
I can now safely say I will never do what I done or become what became, because my visions and mindset are now how they were before it all started. The people I care most for are back in my life and that, I feel, is already a great achievement. But I will still continue to prove to these people that I am a changed man!! for good!!
I can surely say the guidance I had from Elly Prior was Fantastic, she not only helped me find myself, but also put me back on the road to what I wanna aspire to. I can not thank her enough. I really cant!!.
Thank you very much for that, Sonny. It was such a pleasure to work with you. You worked incredibly hard to channel your obsession into something really positive and you absolutely achieved that, including repairing your relationships with the most important people around you.
As you commented on - obsessiveness can often be rephramed as being 'driven'. Channel it in the right direction and great things can be achieved.
These achievements contribute to your meeting your essential emotional needs. Once these needs, rather than 'wants', are met in balance - the depression disappears.
I am so glad that you have been able to overcome your depression - you can be truly proud of that fact that ultimately you did it without taking antidepressants. (For those people, who feel they need to take antidepressants - don't despair - you too can recover your emotional and mental health.)
It certainly is a testimony that can inspire any young man caught up in that cycle of obsession, and often, addiction and depression. The loneliness, lack of self-confidence and depression, with overcompensatory brazen behaviour, 'flavoured' with of control and arrogance can mean their losing sight of, or never really knowing, their real talent and true potential.
Thank you for being so open. I am sure that it will encourage others to seek help too.