Resentment building in our relationship

by Addy
(London, UK)

From Addy, with Elly's reply.
I found out that my boyfriend is possibly cheating on me. I went snooping in his phone and computer, and came across some messages to other women. His stash of condoms also started getting low in number.

My name is Addy, I am 34 and my boyfriend Kal is 33. We have been dating for a year and 7 months. There are no kids involved. My hobbies include reading and travelling, trying out new restaurants. I am currently employed in the service industry. I liked my boyfriend because I initial felt like he could relate to me. On a good day he is fun to be around.

I confronted him and he denied it, but that killed my trust. He does try to do things right to make me happy, but these are only done for certain periods of time, then it's back to him being a total jerk.

He says I'm always suspicious of him and I'm annoying sometimes. I feel like he does not understand where I'm coming from.

We've tried to talk, apologised to each other and kept up a good behaviour for some days but it's always back to the same thing. We both get on the defensive whenever we try to talk things through. Most times we end up given eachother the silent treatment.

I feel like the relationship is only one sided and I'm the only one doing the heavy lifting.

Elly's reply to Addy.

From my perspective it seems that you are both doing some pretty heavy lifting. You may be doing it in different ways sometimes, and at other times you both use was of communicating that won't lead to a happy, fulfilled and stable relationship. The 'silent treatment' is painful for you both and won't solve anything. Being defensive only leads to further arguments.

I can understand that at times it can seem impossible to get through to each other. I cannot give any better advice here than I have already given on other pages on my website. I think you might find Stopping couples arguing. a useful start.

I only have your side of the story, but from what you are telling me - Kal is not honest with you and may be seeing someone else. The missing condoms are of course a concern, as well as the messages - in context.

Now that you feel you can no longer trust him, based on what you have seen, I suggest that you stop trying to look for further 'evidence'. It won't help you and it won't stop Kal cheating. You will not be able to change Kal, Addy.

Although very understandably you feel hurt when Kal treats you badly, I wonder how familiar it feels to you being treated in that way. Could it be that you are choosing familiarity over comfort and security in a relationship, or does it somehow feel exciting to be with him?

Perhaps really thinking through what you can do about your own sense of insecurity will help you decide what you would really like from a relationship and find a partner who can match that.

I wish you all the best for your future happiness, Addy.


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