Relationship communication skills

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Effective communication is at the heart of any relationship, personal, professional and business.  Ineffective listening can spoil everything that you are trying to achieve in terms of building a positive, rewarding, productive, co-operative relationship - regardless of its setting. 

I hope to be able to help you fine-tune your communication skills with advanced listening skills - as used by counsellor/psychotherapists.

Do also read: Relationship problem? My advice- see links - as it gives some background information on perception, particularly in intimate relationships.

What is active or advanced listening?

Active listening means using a set of specific communication skills that help you to focus completely on the other person.  You want to hear, see, feel and understand as much as possible of what the other person is trying to say, whether that is your partner/ boy- or girlfriend/ client/ customer/ colleague/ son/ daughter/whoever you are communicating with.

You cannot not communicate—without uttering a sound, your body ‘leaks’ information.  Nonverbal communication is as important as the spoken word.  An active listener considers if and how any movement connects to what is being said/communicated.

You can hugely improve your relationship communication by becoming an effective listener.  Being genuinely interested in the other person is essential for active listening.  Being really listened to in itself can be very reassuring.  Ineffective listening on the other hand is likely to inflame any potentially contentious situation.

Preparing for an important conversation

If you are planning to have a conversation, whether to improve your relationship communication with your partner/spouse, do a business deal, find out what a client wants or any other situation:

• ensure your timing is right
• deal with potential interruptions in advance
• avoid distraction from mobile devices or monitors
• decide that everything you hear and observe is feedback
• set a follow-up agreement at the end

By telling your partner in advance that you want to talk about something you really need their attention for, or by making an appointment in other situations, you are more likely to achieve something positive, by giving it some gravitas.

By preparing the ground you have already communicated that this is not just an ordinary moan/deal or whatever.  You have also communicated that you respect that he/she has needs too and that you have considered those.

You may find it helpful to read Dealing with criticism in advance too - just in case ...

Keen to start save your relationship right now?  Then have a look at save my marriage/relationship (actually it is written for a marriage, but it is just as suitable if you are in a longterm relationship) or maybe it is too late - your partner has left and all that you can do now is to try and win your ex back.

Not at all sure that you want to stay in this relationship/marriage?  This end relationship test can help you make the right decision.

Fine-tuning your listening skills

When you are ready to have that conversation:

• blend anything that you learn/have learned about communication techniques with your natural style
• face your husband/wife/partner from a slight angle
• make eye contact without staring, break every now and then
• match your body position a little – the angle of your spine, arms and legs
• avoid fidgeting as it distracts - settle yourself in a comfortable, familiar position
• match your tone of voice and pitch subtly to your partner
• match your speed of talking just a little
• be open and inviting, relaxed and positive
• suspend any judgments!

No mean feat sticking to all that, I know.  However, all these points help to build rapport - that person feeling that you are making a connection with him/her and that you are genuinely interested.

Building rapport is a skill most people are born with - it is part of our genetic heritage.  So, there is no better way I know than to rely on your innate resources and (re)awaken and/or strengthen them with self hypnosis.  I cannot think of anything more accessible, user-friendly and effective than hypnosis online.  Build Rapport and become 'the best in class'.

Just by building rapport and listening, you will be taking the wind out of someone sails, if need be!

What if you have 'messed up' before?

It is very likely that you have made mistakes - haven't we all!  It is really hard to expect your partner to remain calm and communicate well, if you yourself have let the side down by shouting, manipulations, put-downs, stone-walling, etc.

In that case - start the conversation with something like:  "I know I have handled this very poorly on previous occasions, but I will do all I can to do better this time."  Of course, that is exactly what you need to do then.

8 Tips to encourage someone to say more - advanced listening

What do you do if your partner/the other person is a reluctant talker?  Well, here are some tips to help you slowly coax them into saying just a little more.

• Really concentrate on what he/she is saying. Stay relaxed though!
• Ask questions gently, don’t interrogate or ‘interview’.
• Ask him/her to expand a little: "can you say a little more about that?"
• Feed back any feelings you pick up: "You sound angry/hurt".  My list of emotions and feelings might help here.
• Leave space for the other person to gather their thoughts.
• Avoid filling in silences too quickly.
• Don’t form counter-arguments in your head whilst listening.
• Listen out for any clues to underlying problems (without jumping to conclusions - always check)

Remember - you can spoil all your great attempts by judging and critical comments!

The best way to help embed your learning about relationships and communication, in particularly rapport building and listening skills, is hypnosis.

Why not let your unconscious mind work for you - what have you got to lose?  Have all your questions answered on hypnosis online and have a look at active listening skills download.

What if you don’t understand something?

First of all you need to trust that on the whole we are 'soft wired' to feel what another person is feeling.  We can be 'empathic' to someone else's situation and feelings.  The mirror neurons in our brain help us to walk that mile in someone else's shoes.  Clearly we each are on a scale - some of us are brilliant at it, some need - let's say - a bit of 'encouragement'.

• Check that your understanding of what your partner means is wrong or right - depending on the circumstances
• Ask for clarification if you don't understand something.  It is really OK if you don't understand immediately.  By asking more you are really communicating that you are doing your best to understand.
• Don’t make assumptions.  Check out first what he/she means, particularly if you feel yourself reacting strongly.  You will want to respond - not react!
• Stay calm - any rise in your emotional arousal level will either turn your partner's wish to talk off, or create a row.
• Breath slowly if you feel yourself becoming emotional, with nice long out breaths
• Accept you may not understand all—that need not stop you listening.

Communication can be really tricky, particularly at crucial stages in your relationship.  The way that you challenge, talk, listen can either calm or inflame a situation.

Particularly if you are going through some kind of a crisis and have difficulties coping, you are much more likely to just 'chuck things out'.  This in turn would only add to your distress, so really consider when, what and how you communicate.

Here is a really interesting animated video on empathy - particularly interesting for those of you with a professional interest in the subject of empathy and emotional intelligence.

What else contributes to active listening?

Here are some further tips:

• Repeat in your own words what you think you have heard.
• Acknowledge that you are really 'staying with it' by gently and encouraging saying things like: "uh-uh", "go on", "of course"
• Use occasional non-verbal signals such as: nodding and smiling
• Summarise your understanding of what your partner has said

Paraphrasing (repeating in your own words what the other person has said) will help to ensure that you are beginning to ‘get the picture’.  You are more likely to remember what was said.  Importantly, it also helps the other person to feel valued - further improving the relationship.  Communication that includes paraphrasing becomes even more effective if it includes time for the other to reflect on what you have just fed back to them. If necessary, they can rephrase something to help you and themselves.

Do you need some help?

Have you thought of counselling or coaching to improve your relationship communication?  A counsellor or coach will listen to you and help you to feel, listen, communicate better.  In turn you will pick up tips and techniques that can help you to improve your communication skills.

If you have found yourself saying the 'apparently' wrong thing too many times to your partner, but you really don't want counselling, then I can recommend: save my marriage/relationship.

In addition, I also recommend Soren's website (see links further down) - a great place to learn more about yourself.  Soren offers coaching services too.

Other pointers to what someone is trying to 'say'

If you really want to go a bit deeper into effective listening then observe the following:

• body language (see: types of nonverbal communication, body language signs and interpreting body language)
• tone of voice - the tonality and pitch
• the use of age appropriate language
• whether or not they lapse into another language
• their fluency and the speed with which they speak
• their general demeanour
• whether or not they have taken care of their appearance
• whether they have dressed business-like, casual or look disheveled

Great relationship communication helps to prevent and reduce conflict.  Watching, observing, listening and checking out will all contribute to your getting the best out of your partner, spouse, colleague, client, customer, boss or any other person on your path.

Not only helping couple relationships!

Active and effective listening skills prevent arguing, distress, jumping to conclusions, 'getting the wrong end of the stick', misunderstandings, loss of 'deals'.  All of these can create unnecessary conflict and should have no place in effective relationship communication.

By spending a little time on learning new skills and sharpening your awareness, you can improve your relationship communication.  Not only that, using these skills can help you in every day life!

You may also be interested in:	Food affects your mood!
Relationship problem? My advice When everything is an argument Stress and your relationship How to end a relationship Facebook problems Facebook fears, suspicions and obsessions

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Other helpful links:

Soren's website

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