Relationship communication

What is ‘active’ listening?

Relationship communication skills

Effective communication is at the heart of any relationship, personal, professional and business.  Ineffective listening skills can spoil it all.  Here I am going to help you learn to communicate better with your partner in particular.

What is active listening?

Active listening means using a set of skills that help you to focus completely on the another person - to hear, see, feel and understand as much as possible of what your partner/boy or girlfriend is trying to say.

You cannot not communicate—without uttering a sound, your body ‘leaks’ information.  Nonverbal communication is as important as the spoken word.  An active listener considers if and how any movement connects to what is being said.

You can hugely improve your relationship communication by becoming an effective listener.  Being genuinely interested in the other person is essential for active listening.  Being really listened to in itself can be very reassuring.  Ineffective listening on the other hand is likely to inflame any potentially contentious situation.

Improve your listening skills - be prepared

If you are planning to have a conversation - perhaps to discuss some difficulty in your relationship:

• ensure your timing suits your partner
• deal with potential interruptions in advance
• avoid distraction from mobile devices or monitors
• decide that everything that happens is feedback
• set a follow-up date at the end

By telling your partner in advance that you want to talk about something you really need their attention for, you are more likely to achieve something positive.

By preparing the ground you have already communicated that this is not just an ordinary moan.  You have also communicated that you respect that he/she has needs too and that you have considered those.

Fine-tuning your listening skills

When you are ready to have that conversation:

• blend anything that you learn/have learned about communication techniques with your natural style
• face your husband/wife/partner from a slight angle
• make eye contact without staring, break every now and then
• match your body position a little – the angle of your spine, arms and legs
• avoid fidgeting as it distracts - settle yourself in a comfortable, familiar position
• match your tone of voice and pitch subtly to your partner
• match your speed of talking just a little
• be open and inviting, relaxed and positive
• suspend any judgments!

No mean feat sticking to all that, I know.  However, you could just get to grips with a couple of points at any time.  You can then slowly begin to build up a better pattern of communicating.  Imagine yourself really listening - practice in your head.  Just by listening, you will be taking the wind out of someone sails, if need be!

8 Tips to encourage someone to say more

What do you do if your partner is a reluctant talker?  Well, here are some tips to help you slowly coax them into saying just a little more.

• Really concentrate on what he/she is saying. Stay relaxed though!
• Ask questions gently, don’t interrogate or ‘interview’.
• Ask him/her to expand a little: "can you say a little more about that?"
• Feed back any feelings you pick up: "You sound angry/hurt".
• Leave space for the other person to gather their thoughts.
• Avoid filling in silences too quickly.
• Don’t form counter-arguments in your head whilst listening.

Remember - you can spoil all your great attempts by judging and critical comments!

What if you don’t understand something?

• Check that your understanding of what your partner means is wrong or right - depending on the circumstances
  
• Ask for clarification if you don't understand something.  It is really OK if you don't understand immediately.  By asking more you are really communicating that you are doing your best to understand.
• Don’t make assumptions.  Check out first what he/she means, particularly if you feel yourself reacting strongly.  You will want to respond - not react!
• Stay calm - any rise in your emotional arousal level will either turn your partner's wish to talk off, or create a row.
• Breath slowly if you feel yourself becoming emotional, with nice long out breaths
• Accept you may not understand all—that need not stop you listening.

Communication can be really tricky, particularly at crucial stages in your relationship.  The way that you challenge, talk, listen can either calm or inflame a situation.

Particularly if you are going through some kind of a crisis and have difficulties coping, you are much more likely to just 'chuck things out'.  This in turn would only add to your distress, so really consider when, what and how you communicate.

What else contributes to active listening?

Here are some further tips:

• Repeat in your own words what you think you have heard.
• You can acknowledge that you are really 'staying with it' by gently and encouraging saying things like: "uhuh", "go on", "of course"
• Use occasional non-verbal signals such as: nodding and smiling
• Summarise your understanding of what your partner has said

Paraphrasing (repeating in your own words what the other person has said) will help to ensure that you are beginning to ‘get the picture’.  You are more likely to remember what was said.  Importantly, it also helps the other person to feel valued.  It helps them to reflect on what they are telling you.  If necessary, they can rephrase something to help you and themselves.

Do you need some help?

Have you thought of counselling or coaching to improve your relationship communication?  A counsellor or coach will listen to you and help you to feel, listen, communicate better.  In turn you will pick up tips and techniques that can help you to improve your communication skills.

Other pointers to what someone is trying to 'say'

If you really want to go a bit deeper into effective listening than taking the following points can be useful:

• body language
• tone of voice - the tonality and pitch
• the use of age appropriate language
• whether or not they lapse into another language
• their fluency and the speed with which they speak
• their general demeanour
• whether or not they have taken care of their appearance
• whether they have dressed business-like, casual or look disheveled

Not only helping couple relationships!

Active and effective listening skills prevent arguing, distress, jumping to conclusions, 'getting the wrong end of the stick' and misunderstandings.  All of these can create unnecessary conflict.

By spending a little time on learning new skills and sharpening your awareness, you can improve your relationship communication.  Not only that, using these skills can help you in every day life!

Return from Relationship Communication and Active Listening to Dealing with Criticism
Return from Relationship Communication to Home at Mind and Relationship Matters

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