How solve your relationship issues
- what to do and what not to do

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

I’m passionate about helping you to get started with solving your relationship issues.

Know that you were born with all of the resources you need to make the right changes that'll lead to greater happiness. So let's get going...

Common communication spoilers

Relationships of any kind go sour when they are damaged by poor, or even toxic communication.

10 Ways to spoil a relationship by toxic communication

  1. 'Settling scores' - a guaranteed way to cause relationship issues or marital problems
  2. Power battles and/or scoring points for whatever reason
  3. Treating someone (your partner?) differently from how you would want to be treated yourself
  4. Wanting to be right all of the time
  5. Manipulating your partner or situations to get your own way
  6. Undermining the person you are supposed to love - no wonder you've relationship issues!
  7. Using your partner or spouse deliberately to get what you want
  8. Controlling your partner or spouse
  9. Treating your partner with contempt
  10. Abusing your partner in any way, for example financially, physically, mentally and/or emotionally

Do you recognise any of the following?

Whilst all of these behaviours are obviously unhelpful in a relationship - there's a reason for them, though not an excuse.

If you've found yourself resorting to communicating using any of the above spoilers, then you may 'just' be attempting to meet some essential emotional needs. Those needs may be - for example - your need for attention, or your need for a sense of safety, or friendship and even laughter.

What is your role in your relationship issues?

Relationship issues - masks

Which mask do you wear? What role do you play?

If you recognise yourself in any of the above behaviours then do try to challenge yourself. There’s no need to judge yourself. Simply notice and acknowledge the way you’re feeling and behaving.

As a human being you're very likely trying to have your needs met in whichever way is familiar and natural to you. I’m here to help you to achieve this in a more helpful way.

You can start by asking yourself questions about why, where and when you behave as you do, so that you can develop an awareness of what the triggers (not the causes) are. My page on problem solving strategies can help you to ask the right questions and start understanding where the trouble is coming from.

Close coupleI would love for you to feel loved, safe and secure in your relationship!

Who is really to blame for your troubles?

Although you often won’t have control over what happens to you, you can start to take control over how you respond to things. 

If you truly think that your partner or spouse is the problem, here are some things to help you:

  • Accept that you cannot change your partner
  • Consider couple counselling (or speak to one of my online counsellors)
  • Consider going for counselling yourself, if your partner doesn't want to come with you. You can get some help in understanding how you get caught up in your relationship issues
  • Seek help if your partner or spouse is abusive you. The abuse won't stop however much you hope it will. This really isn't just an 'issue' - it's a serous problem
  • Stop looking at what doesn't work, concentrate instead of what does go well

Marriage guidance or relationship counselling can really make the difference when you’re having relationship problems because it helps you both to make the necessary changes.

In any case, take control of your life. Learn to relax and meditate so that you can make greater use of all your inborn resources.

Self-hypnosis too can really help you to stop those whirring thoughts and out of control feelings in a doable and enjoyable way, with life-time benefits.

Time to end your relationship or marriage?

Not feeling loved, safe and secure?
Are few of your emotional needs met in your marriage or relationship, despite your very best attempts at sorting them?
Have you really no hope? 

Maybe it is time to consider if this relationship truly is the right one for you with my Comprehensive Relationship Test.  It will help you focus your efforts on making the changes that really matter, or perhaps deciding it's time to break up.

Part 1Part 2, Part 3

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Elly Prior

It's me - Elly Prior, I'm the Founder and Author of this site. I'm a 'real' person! I'm hoping to make a positive difference, small or large, to every person who visits my site.

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Image courtesy of: JD Lasica

Images courtesy of: Rafael Soares