Relationship advice for Christmas

Expectations at Christmas

Christmas can put extra and unnecessary strain on your relationship - so I want to see if I can help you out with some extra relationship advice.  I really wouldn't want you to be one of the thousands knocking on the door of a relationship expert once the holiday season is over!

First of all, you may as well acknowledge that you could be at risk of setting yourselves up for 'failure' - if you want to call it that.  Why?  Well ... the holiday season is often so stressful because of the huge expectations:

• the 'right' presents
• the 'right' food
• the 'right' atmosphere
• the 'right' mood
• the 'right' festive events
• the 'right' cards/greetings
• the 'right' contribution to the school
• being the 'right' daughter/husband/child/parent
• being a 'good' guest
• ensuring that your children on their 'best' behaviour

Whatever that all of that means!  How stressful is that?

Before you even start - you may familiarise yourself with a fab hypnosis solution to the stress around Christmas time.

Peace and joy or trouble?

All these expectations can lead disappointments, for you and for others.

I am going to mention the potential trouble spots, some of which you are no doubt well aware, others perhaps not so much.

I hope that if I can prepare you in advance - you may be able to manage at least your own, your partner's and your children's expectations way in advance of Christmas.  Hopefully this will also help you to become more aware of the pressures others around you feel.  It all creates the potential for a meltdown!

Here are some of the 'pressure points' on relationships at Christmas:

• the pressure of time in terms of all the above expectations
  
• managing your finances may be even more difficult in the December month and differences in attitudes towards spending will be even more apparent
• the cost of Christmas parties - in terms of money, time and maybe even your relationship if your trust in each other has been damaged
• staying with extended family and/or...
• having extended family stay with you
• spending time with children who may not be your own
• spending time with children who may not behave in the way you would want them to
• deciding with which parent the children should spend their days (if you are separated/divorced from their father)
• your children not being with you on the days you would have wanted
  
• the influence of alcohol - on your partner, on you, on your guests
• the physical and mental effects of the kind of foods you eat during this time (yes ... your mental well-being too!)

So, how about insulating your relationship as well as your home?

Top 10 tips to insulate your relationship at Christmas

There is still enough time to review your Christmas arrangements.  Take the time to decide what you are definitely going to be doing differently this year.  Remember, if you always do the same, don't expect then a different result!

Here is the plan for you and your partner or spouse well before Christmas.  If you have children arrange for them to stay in their rooms for an evening - with a tray of 'goodies' if need be - or have them stay away with friends/family if at all possible (you could agree to swap).

1. Switch off the TV, put all phones on silent, light some candles, cook something easy or have a take-away.  This how you start your Christmas preparations.
   
   
2. 'Indulge' in a bit of daydreaming on what your ideal Christmas would be - just for fun: ideal location, ideal guest/celebrity, ideal food (forget about the staples).  What would you want to see happening, what would you really like to get, how long would you really like it (whatever 'it' means) to last, etc. ...?
   
   
3. Brainstorm all the things you really do have to do - no choice.  This list is for the unavoidable 'musts'.  Then see if you can add any of what you had listed under no 2.
   
   
4. Consider telling your family and/or friends that you would much prefer to spend some special time with them during a weekend in the dark month of January.  That way you would have something to look forward to after the holiday season.
   
   
5. Review my list of expectations at the beginning of this article.  Make a list of tasks and break those up in individual steps, so that you have some clarity on what exactly is required.
   
   
6. 'Divvy up' the tasks and make lists for both of you or all - if you have children - to make clear who is responsible for what.
   
   
7. Work out together who you both might want or need to help out, or visit, for whatever reason.  Giving 'time' can be more valuable than any present at any price.  If you can really commit to it, you will gain tremendously yourself by cheering up someone else.  Do it with a sulky attitude and it is just going to feel like hard work.  Lovingly helping someone else will also take the focus off your own troubles for a while.

   Over the Christmas period...
   

8. If on Christmas day someone/your partner has not fulfilled their task - whatever you do - don't go on about it!  It's not worth a row, at least not at that time.  Lower all your expectations and be grateful for whatever it is that is good and goes well.  Make a point of looking out for those.
   
   
9. Accept from the start that very likely you are going to 'fail' in at least someone's eyes if not your own. Oh well … you and everyone else will recover!  Just agree that, whatever happens, the two of you are going to make Christmas the best you can manage.
   
   
10. If your house is full or you are staying with other people, plan for the two of you to spend some quality time together as often as possible, be that with 'an early night', a stroll to the park, a midnight feast, an early morning start, or in any other way to 'escape' children, family and/or friends - however much you love them.  It will help to 'anchor' you and your relationship and give you time to discuss and problem-solve any potential issues.  Oh... and 'stay in touch' with each other via romantic text - even if you share the house!
    

Under no circumstances discuss any of the above when either one of you is under the influence of alcohol!

Here are some tips from the Greater Good's Christine Carter, PhD:

Insulate your relationship this Christmas

I so hope that you and your partner are indeed going to enjoy a great, loving Christmas.

Here are my top tips for keeping things in perspective.

• Don't panic about last minute 'stuff' not being there or not being right.  Forget about running back to the shops, standing in endless queues and spending more than you had intended.  Instead: rely on and use the wonderful problem solving properties of your brain.
  
  
• Accept that whatever happens and however hard you try to get it right - someone is going to have 'the hump'.  They are very likely to get over it.  If not … time out and distance gives everyone time to reflect.
  
  
• You don't have to feel responsible for someone else's happiness, you can bend over backwards and still not get it right for some people.  You've probably already thought of someone that fits the bill!
  
  
• When you filter out the 'wants' from the 'needs' of all those expectations, you realise how little meaning there is in anything other than lovingly connecting with each other, friends and family (yes, I know there are troublesome members in your family - every family has them!).  No different from any other day and Christmas is only 2 x 24 hours.
  
  
• If you have people staying with you, ensure plenty time for 'privacy' - a time deliberately set aside for everyone to quietly enjoy a couple of hours without any other expectation than to be respectful of others' time, space and sensitivity to noise.  You and your partner could go out for a walk, or slip out for a quiet drink together.
  
  
• You're likely to have a great Christmas if you can enjoy it 80% of the time and not let the 20% that wasn't so great spoil the rest of the time.  It is going to depend on your attitude.   Unless of course there truly is a major drama and let's face it: life does have a way of throwing things at us when we least expect it!

• Be conscious of how much you drink.  If you are at all concerned, try the hypnosis download: Party and have fun without alcohol.
  

  
  
• If your relationship or marriage is not what it used to be, you may need to consider all the expectations and options at Christmas even more carefully, making sure you are kind to yourself.

After Christmas

Rather than let all that energy you've put into Christmas dissipate - use what you have experienced/learned to make next year's Christmas easier and quicker to 'organise' and 'run'.

After Christmas, arrange for a time to give everyone an opportunity to comment openly and honestly on how Christmas was from their point of view.  You may or may not like what you are going to hear, but make no judgments, don't punish and keep it positive.

Just summarise without any undertone, in your own words, what you have heard from your partner or spouse and your children - the good, the bad and the ugly.  Write it down 'as is' and discuss how you would all like it to be next year.

Finally

I do hope that some of my relationship tips and advice will help you to have an even more enjoyable and peaceful Christmas.

If your relationship/marriage is in trouble - don't delay doing something about it.  I recommend Save your marriage (relationship).

You may also be interested in:
Relationship problems Surviving infidelity Alcoholism stages Symptoms of alcoholism Relationship quizzes Get your ex back

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Images courtesy of: 1 Sundeip Arora; 2 Billy Alexander; 3 Robert Prosksa

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