Problems after an emotional affair

(Singapore)

From Scott, with Elly's reply.
My name is Scott, I am 39 years old. My wife's name is Sara, she is age 33. We have been together for 8 years and we have 3 children. My job is my hobbie and I am happy with that.

I love my wife because she's smart, beautiful, sexy, successful and confident. She could easily be arrogant, but she is not. In many ways I'm incredibly lucky, she is fantastic.

Sara had an emotional affair (at the least) about 3 to 4 years ago. I'm having trouble getting over it. She's very hard to get to know, even for me even now, which makes it even harder to trust her.

Eventually, about nine months ago, did she finally admit that she had had an emotional affair. She had denied it for all that time. I've got mad with her in the past about it and she's threatened to leave me 3 times.

She has said that she is very sorry. However, I have since seen a photograph of her in a 'coupley' hug with another guy. I could tell she was attracted to him. This didn't help at all.

On some level if it was just an emotional affair, I can tell myself that really what she's done is actually trivial. Therefore I'm having trouble even identifying what my problem really is. I think it's more to do with the thought that my marriage is going to end. I'm having trouble identifying what's going on inside me if that makes sense.

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Elly's relationship advice

Having found out that your wife has had some sort of 'liaison' with another man - whether or not that was an emotional affair, is likely to have changed your whole perception of nature of your relationship. The marriage you had, or you thought you had, is no longer. A big shift like that causes a huge sense of 'loss'. It may feel like something has died. You have lost that sense of security and safety of knowing you would always be there for each other.

On top of that may be your continued suspicion that you have not heard it all. Perhaps you are still wondering about any inconsistencies in Sara's story. Understandably then that there is a part of you that wants to get to the bottom of it.

However, there is every chance that you will never find out what really happened. You know though, in your heart, that your beautiful wife had fallen for someone else and that in a sense you feel you have/had lost her. Of course that hurts, Scott! It would be no suprise if you were feeling somewhat depressed. You have probably been grieving for the loss of what you had. Many of my clients also report feeling restless, angry, confused and scared about the future, unable to make a decision - almost waiting for things to happen. No wonder you are feeling 'out of sorts', without your being able to articulate it.

However, so many years ahead now and your wife still being with you - she has actually choosen for you. You and your children are important to her.

Dr Helen Fisher is a biological anthropologist. She has discovered that there are three different circuits in the brain that govern lust, romantic love and attachment. Theoretically, she says, you could be making love with one person, whilst being romantically absorbed by another and feel a deep attachment to a third person (do watch her video on my page surviving infidelity). In reality, the three overlap.

Sara may have been swepped off her feet by someone else - it can happen. He may have been on her mind 24/7. Romantic love is like an addiction, it tricks the mind into believing that there is nothing in the world as good as this. Indeed the same brain circuitry is involved as in addiction.

However, it seems she has been trying to fight it and that she wants to be with you, because with you she has that deeper attachment. Her threats to leave may have resulted in part from your not having been able to give up and forgive, and perhaps because existing problems have not been addressed. What she did was unfair, damaging to the relationship and in no way am I implying that there is an excuse or that you are at fault. I just want you to hear that this is a big wake-up call and unless you do something about it, you may well be heading for a divorce.

Here is my relationship advice:

I hope that has given you at least a little more insight into the sitation. I am now going to try and give you some suggestion for a way forward, based on the limited information I have. Of course you remain totally responsible for whatever action you choose to take.

• Consider some counselling for yourself. (I am available for telephone counselling)


• Consider couple counselling. I have all the info you need to help you find the right counsellor. See my page How to find a counsellor


• If you still really feel that you want to talk to your wife about what she did/did not do, then set time aside to do that. Ring-fence that time: no more than about 15 min. a day for a few days. Agree with Sara about when, where and how long, and stick to it.


• A crisis can be really creative. Look at your marriage in detail. Is there anything she may have been telling you all along, without your having taken it serious? Are you stuck in a routine that under the cold light of day does not suit either or one of you anymore? Have you stopped making eachother feel special? Are you perhaps too dependent on one another? Whatever it is - now is the time to sort it.


• Accept that you have absolutely no control over anyone. You can only change yourself. If Sara isn't going to tell, it is time to let go now and use your energy more creatively. By continuing to fret over what happened, however sad and damaging you are undermining the possibility of the two of you rebuilding a really great marriage.

I hope this is of some help to you, Scott. Take care.

Wishing you all the best,

Elly

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