Help! My partner is in prison

I hope this article will help you at the very least feel supported.  I have written it to help you  I trust that it will give you information on how to cope when your partner is in prison - from day one, but also  but also that you find information that

Day in court

On that fateful (first) day in court you are there 'supporting' your partner/spouse, yet you are in turmoil yourself.  Nobody tells you what is going to happen, where you should be, what is expected of you, unless of course you are giving evidence.

Then there is that awful sense of guilt and shame.  You dread the thought of bumping into anybody you know.  What would they think?  What would you say?

Right now you are unlikely to get your head around it all.  You are likely to feel torn: what are you to believe?  How do you handle the information about what your partner is accused of emotionally?  How do you cope with what you have been told (if anything) and what you hear in court?

Just remember that supporting your partner/spouse doesn't mean that you are aligning yourself with the crime.

Your partner/spouse is going to prison

You are left the pick up the pieces.  You are left dealing with the children and their reactions, the finances, family, friends - you name it - you are on your own with it.  All that, whilst you are in shock and quite possibly feel completely traumatised yourself.

Now ... I am assuming here that you could ever have imagined your partner or spouse would have ended up in prison.  These events have come completely out of the blue for you.

So, I am hoping I can help you a little.  If you understand and know how to deal with your own reactions to your partner's sudden incarceration you're likely to feel a little less out of control.

I'll also suggest some problem solving strategies to get you though the initial stages.  So, hang on in there ...

Feeling in shock?

That is totally understandable if you have just discovered that your partner has been found guilty of some (heinous?) crime.  I don't know of course at what stage in the legal process your partner is, but I'll assume that you have only just been confronted with the fact that the person you were sharing your life with is now in prison.

All of a sudden, your life - as it was - is no more.  Surely there has been a mistake, you might think.  If not, who was that person you were living with?  You are in shock, barely able to take it all in.

And now you're having to deal with all this:

• lack of knowledge: where is he/she, will I hear from him/her, can I make contact, who can I ask?

• having to tell your children, but barely able to comprehend what is happening yourself, you are at a loss of what to say to them

• you don't want to tell anyone, including family and friends

• yet you will have to decide who to tell, because suddenly you are all on your own - you do need someone to talk to and you may need help with the children

• dealing with everyone's reactions, when you can barely cope with your own

Your reactions

Feeling traumatised

Of course you feel traumatised.  You have suffered a major crisis.  You may find my page on Trauma symptoms (link further down) helpful.

A sense of guilt and shame

You may find yourself wondering what on earth you should/could have done differently - as if you somehow are guilty too.

Many people in your position comment on their fear of bumping into people.  They talk of their fear of using local services and shops.  They scuttle around as if they themselves are guilty.

You might find yourself lying about what your partner is up to - at least initially.  Perhaps you can get away with saying he/she is on a business trip, a course, a week away, etc.  It feels particularly difficult when you find yourself lying to the very people you love - your children, your family, your friends.

I really want you to remind yourself that you are OK, that it is not your fault, you did not deserve this and it is really unfair!

Ever-present sense of anxiety and impending doom

Very likely you feel anxious, even if you would normally consider yourself to be strong and able to cope with just about anything.  No wonder!

Here is what I can imagine may be going on for you.

• You are worried about who is going to know that your partner/husband/wife is in prison

• You are acutely sensitive to about what other people think of you and your family

• You hurt for your children and worry about how it is going to affect your children - how they are going to cope, what they are having to face at school, how they are going to manage

• You too feel a victim too - traumatised by all the revelations

• You may feel you will be judged and found wanting

• You may not at all sure what you 'should' be feeling about your partner, but you may be really worried about what he/she may be going through in prison

• You may be worried about what the actual 'guilty' verdict will mean to the survival of your relationship/marriage

• You are very likely to be worried about the financial implications of your partner's incarceration: loss of employment - his/hers and maybe yours with a consequent loss of your financial security and your home

I suspect you may recognise my description of a nervous breakdown (see link below).

Unable to speak to anyone - feeling isolated

That sense of shame you feel makes you reluctant to engage with other people within your local community and even family and friends.  You may very likely want to hide away.  Not knowing anyone else going through this situation you feel alone, yet desperately needy of comfort and reassurance.

Life goes on unchanged for others - they call, visit, ask for your help, your attendance, but you'd rather shy away, feeling 'on guard' all the time, fearful of giving yourself away.  No wonder then if you are feeling totally isolated, lonely and depressed!  See my page: Dealing with depression (link further down).

You will get through this though - somehow you will find the strength to carry on and life will settle down in some shape or form.   Though you and your life will have changed forever, you will ultimately rebuild your life and find meaning and happiness in years to come.  You will recover!

Prison visits

You maybe feeling terribly ambivalent after all you have heard in court and the guilty verdict.

You don't suddenly stop loving that 'person' you know wonder you ever really knew.  Neither does he/she stop being a parent. 

So, you turn up at the prison to visit - wanting an explanation, to be told it is all a mistake, part of you furious, yet questioning, needy, frightened, looking for reassurance.

However, now you are faced with:

• long queues with people who appear all too blase about the situation
• being subjected to security checks
• searches, including a search of your hair and mouth
• a sniffer dog deployed to detect illegal drugs
• CCTV cameras

No wonder you feel like a criminal!  After all that you are led into a cold and clinical 'visits hall'.  It all feels alien and degrading.  Totally understandable then that you feel tearful, your children may cry and other people may be crying.

How to cope with prison visits

• Once you are familiar with the routine, you can prepare yourself better for it.  Imagine a protective 'veil' around you
• Remind yourself that in an hour or two you will have 'survived' again and can focus on problem solving your daily living
• Arrange to see someone you trust immediately after
• Talk to someone from the voluntary support agency in your country (see links)
• Use a breathing technique to calm and 'ground' yourself.  Focus on a long slow out-breath and the movement of your abdomen as you breath calmly in and out.  Notice any thoughts, but let them go as you focus again on your breathing.  Keep doing that.  Practice at home - you'll become better and better at that the more you practice.
• Bring with you a tissue with a few drops of a lovely calming essential oil.  Use one you are unlikely to come across once you no longer need to go through this whole drama (in other words - NOT lavender)
• Remember though that you won't be able to take anything with you to the visiting area.

If at any time you are worried about your partner's mental state, worried that he/she may be feeling suicidal - do speak to the staff before you leave.  Alternatively call the prison  as soon as you get home.

Your children's reactions

Their feelings are likely to mirror those of yours.  They too are likely to feel the shame that goes with having a parent in prison.

• they are frightened and confused
• they may be worried that their father/mother is going to be beaten up (they have watched the TV programmes!)
• they may be bullied at school
• they may not want to tell you, because they may want to protect you from further distress

Reactions from others

Doubtless you will take great care in who you take into your confidence. 

However, do remember that someone you really trust is likely to have someone else who they really trust.  That person too has a really good friend, whom they have always shared everything with.  That person too trust the one friend they have known since childhood, whom they 'know' would never tell another soul, and so on ...

Very unfortunately you are likely to have to deal with:

• abuse and comments
• finger pointing
• people you know crossing the road as they judge, don't know what to say and/or feel embarrassed

There is nothing you can do about any of this, other than manage your own feelings around it.  There will always be people who judge.  Over time, whilst your partner is in prison, and after,  you learn who to avoid and who you can trust - much faster than you would have done at any other time in your life.

The legacy of your partner's imprisonment

You may feel that your family is serving a prison sentence too.  There are so many changes to deal with so suddenly.  It is as if someone has died, but worse than that - your partner is now an 'offender'  - not something you are wanting to share.  This means that unlike if he/she had died, it will require huge strength of character to ask for any support.

• Your partner/spouse isn't going to be there on important days - Christmas, birthdays, funerals, anniversaries, graduations, start of school-days, weddings, etc.  That unfortunately may mean that you have to be armed with excuses, not go, be ready to support your children and manage other people's expectations, as well as your own.
• You are going to have to find a way to keep a roof over your head without your partner's income now that he/she is in prison
  
• You need to be thinking about how you can fund prison visits, which may be way out of your area.  You may find that there are some benefits to help you with this (see links below).
• You are going to have to deal on your own with all the chores you used to share with your partner/spouse
• You will find out who your friends really are.  You may have to suffer the loss of people thought you would be there for you regardless
• On finding out what your partner has really done, you may now have to face the fact that your partner/spouse wasn't the person you thought you were living with.  Alternatively of course, you may already have been questioning your relationship compatibility for some time.
  
• Your children, in a sense, lose both parents - one of them in prison, the other is now fragile, unpredictable in her/his reactions, not the person they knew, anxious, distressed and irritable

What may help

Here are some strategies to start you of:

• Self-hypnosis will most definitely help you - have a look at some hypnosis downloads to make it easy on yourself
  
• You really do need to decide who you can trust - remembering that you are not the guilty one.  If you don't - you end up lying, forgetting who you have lied to and what you have actually told them.  People will know that something is terribly wrong anyway and make up their own reasons for it.
• You need a sense of normality.  So, chose the activities you most enjoy and continue with those.
• Start a new hobby to keep active, it will allow you to join a new group, where people don't know you.
• Join a meditation, yoga or Tai Chi class if at all possible to help lower your stress levels.
• Explore my pages on depression for further advice.
• Consider if you need to end your relationship or marriage - see my relationship/marriage compatibility quiz.
  

Just remember - eventually this horrible time too will pass.

You may also be interested in:
Natural sleep remedies Natural antidepressants Adrenal fatigue syndrome How to build your self-esteem

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Other helpful links:

Partners of Prisoners and Family Support Group (UK)
Offendersfamilieshelpline.org (UK)
PrisonTalk (USA)

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