Money may be a reason to end a relationship

Elly's reply to anonymous.
It sounds like you feel torn between your values - which perhaps dictate that money should not stand in the way of love - and your feeling increasingly irritated with him due to his lack of financial responsibility/contribution.

Read anonymous' story here. Link published within 24 hours.

As human beings we have a need to feel safe and secure - in fact it is one of our most essential emotional needs. I am therefore not surprised that you are wondering about the long-term implications of your boyfriend's lack of urgency to pay his bills and pay you back what he owes you - regardless of what that takes. I would not be surprised if you feel taken for granted by his, apparent, lack of consideration for your needs.

However, there may be some old patterns at play for him, which might provide an explanation (though not an excuse). Perhaps there was a period of time that your boyfriend felt quite hopeless and depressed about his lack of money and his employment prospects. He therefore may have got into the habit of avoiding dealing withanything to do with money, as a defense. Possibly that sense of hopelessness and feeling out of control with no prospect of any improvement, may even stem from his childhood.

It is time to have a conversation about it. You need to be clear that in fact you have been giving him mixed messages: on the one hand you have complained about his lack of contribution and on the other hand - you have given him money, let him stay, paid his bills. It is time for you both to address the situation and for you to clearly state that you are unwilling/unable to carry on supporting him, if that is not what you want to do. Incidently, 'supporting' can mean - not acknowledging the resources that he himself undoubtedly has. The flipside of supporting someone can potentially mean: there, there , there now - let me look after you, because clearly you can't do it for yourself. That only further undermines that person's sense of self.

I am only seeing minimal reference to what is going well in your relationship: you are "getting on really well" and "enjoy spending time together". That is diffferent from "I am utterly in love with this guy and want to spend the rest of my life with him."

The best relationship advice I can give your right now is that you need to set some goals with regards to your finances - as a couple. Work out an agreement between the two of you about what you are expecting from eachother. Decide how you are going to divide your responsibilities - who pays what exactly when. Decide on a back-up plan, regular (scheduled) follow-up conversations and consequences should the agreement fall apart.

You need to know for yourself how far you are prepared to go with regards to supporting him financially - what your absolute limit is, before you start negotiating. When you have agreed on a plan - you need to back off in between the scheduled conversations and stop 'nagging' him about money - it is a waste of your energy. He does not 'hear' it anymore and the nagging holds no meaning because of the mixed messages.

Ultimately, it is for you to decide whether or not you need to end this relationship.

However, I hope this is of some help to you.

I wish you all the best,

Elly