In love with a person with narcissistic personality disorder-answer

by Elly

Elly's reply to Jill.
I note that you have had couple counselling for 21/2 years and your relationship is still not working. I doubt that I can add anything more useful to the input of a professional you already have had over that length of time, Jill. However, I will do my best for you.

Read Jill's story.

Narcisistic?

Whether or not your partner has narcisistic personality disorder or not matters much less than what you actually feel you are getting out of this relationship. Other than that you love him, there is absolutely no evidence of anything positive in your story.

You become an expert at what you rehearse

You have explained several incidents, where you have felt hurt and I suspect that there are many more. I am also guessing that you are probably ruminating about them quite a bit. If you find yourself in the habit of constantly 'reheasing' what is going wrong in your relationship, than that is what you are going to be good at.

Are you generally happy?

Ask yourself what the percentage of time is that you are actually feeling happy in the relationship. How do you feel when you wake up in the morning? Is it with a sense of dread in the pit of your stomach or are you looking forward to the day and in particularly being around him? Do you feel secure in the knowledge that when you are at a social gathering together, you are not going to feel let down/hurt/angry because he behaves badly towards you in public? Have the problems been escalating recently?

Whose fears?

I am really sorry, but I could not possibly comment on what your partner's fears are. I do not have sufficient information - the kind I would only get from him personally in my counselling room.

I wonder though what difference it would make to you, if you knew what his fears are. How would you change and adapt your behaviour towards him? How much responsibility would you take for his well-being? If you knew and understood his fears, would you be able to let him take responsibility in his own way and in his own time, without any criticism or judgment? Are you able to do that now?

I suspect that this is more about what your fears are, Jill, rather than what your partner's fears are. You could 'bend yourself out of shape' in this relationship, but he is not going to change for you - he will only do that for himself, when the time is right for him, and you may have to wait a very long time.

You may get an idea on how and why the two of you fit together from Why Him? Why Her?: Finding Real Love By Understanding Your Personality Type

For visitors from the UK the link is: Why Him? Why Her?

How much does age matter?

You are only 51 - you could have another 50 years ahead of you, Jill! Doesn't that change your perspective? What would you like those years to be like? What would you like to achieve - all on your own steam? The problem with being unable to live by yourself and rely on yourself, is that you are dependent on your partner. That leaves you very vulnerable. You may have slowly, bit-by-bit, traded in 'things' that were important to you, simply to allow yourself to stay with him.

You already have all the resources you need

Be brave and bold - I am sure you can do it. I am sure that you have dealt with really difficult times before and have come through. So, there is no reason to believe that you could not strike out on your own, if you decided to go that way. It has to be your decision though. (Note: I am in the process of developing a decision making tool to help figure out whether or not your relationship really suits you. It should be available in the next couple of weeks.)

I am hoping that this is enough for you to consider your next step, Jill. I can really recommend Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway 8-CD set: Dynamic Techniques for Turning Fear, Indecision, and Anger into Power, Action, and Love

For visitors from the UK the link is: Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway.

Wishing you all the best Jill,

Elly

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