How to survive infidelity

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

If you're dealing with infidelity at the moment, I'm so glad you've landed here. I so hope I can help you to understand and manage your emotions at this difficult time, and help you find out how to put your life back together again.

If you've landed here via a search engine, remember that you're in the middle of my article and you may want to visit Part 1 first.

Feeling completely out of control?

You know how you can feel 'sucked in' to the drama of the moment? How you can feel a complete loss of control? How your imagination can work overtime? You can get a grip on that with self-hypnosis, but I'll discuss that further down.

Surviving infidelity means being back in the driving seat again, making decisions and healing. But first let me reassure you about your reaction...

Recognising a 'normal' reaction

A woman sits with her head in her hands, her partner on the other side of the room staring at the wall.

Your reactions - your thoughts and feelings - will depend somewhat on whether your discovery of the infidelity was a total shock to you. You could also have been suspicious for some time.

It really is no wonder that you're feeling completely 'out of sorts'!

When you're dealing with the fall-out of your partner having an affair, it will help for you to know what perfectly normal reactions and feelings you can expect.

At various stages, you can expect to have the following reactions...

10 Normal reactions on discovery your partner is/has been having an affair

  1. You feel shocked
  2. You're having difficulties thinking, concentrating and retaining information
  3. You feel a deep sense of loss
  4. You cry at the drop of a hat - you may think that you're never going to survive the affair
  5. You spot 'reminders' of the history of your relationship everywhere
  6. You feel like everything is too much of an effort - you may not even have the energy to consider how to get over an affair
  7. You feel consumed by a sense of hurt and anger
  8. You avoid people who you don't want to have to tell about the affair
  9. You feel irritated and angry with 'trivia', everything is too much of an effort
  10. You feel tired all the time and have sleep problems as you can't get the thoughts of your partner with the 'other' out of your head

You'll need to take things one step at a time. 

Grieving and healing after infidelity

If you were in my counselling room wanting to know how to get over an affair I would be telling you to be gentle with yourself. You have had a shock and you need to give yourself a little time and understanding.

It's very natural that you're feeling down. This doesn't need to mean that you are suffering from depression though. However, if you do suffer from depression it could complicate your recovery. Therefore I would want you to do something about it now! Have a look at my page Hypnosis Online FAQs and Downloads for further details.

It might also help you to know that you are grieving for the loss of your relationship - as it was. You are mourning the loss of trust and the loss of the partner you 'used to know'.

Overcoming infidelity - emotions and making decisions

The shock of the discovery of infidelity usually causes a huge emotional crisis, particularly if you have caught your partner, husband or wife cheating. You can end up in a kind of trance, with your attention completely locked on the problem!

Your emotional brain (limbic system) is in charge, which makes it difficult to think straight. Therefore please trust me when I say that right now it is a really bad time to make life-changing decisions. Overcoming infidelity means biding your time. 

Initially surviving infidelity means nothing more than letting the fog lift. Give yourself at least a couple of weeks to just calm down a bit. Only when you start to feel a little better can you begin to consider what your next step should be in overcoming infidelity.

In the meantime, you may want to also begin to focus on the positive aspects of your relationship to help turn things around. Have a look at my Positive Communication Kit for Couples.

Your husband, wife or partner's affair is not your fault

Your partner's affair is not your fault. Your partner made a choice. Yes, you play a role in what happens in your relationship, but you are not responsible for your partner's decisions.

Dealing with infidelity does mean that you both need to work hard at making the relationship work again. However, the 'work' that needs to be done is different for each of you in the early stages.

You'll also find Dealing With Infidelity (Part 1) helpful.

Read on to Part 3 for my tips on Surviving and overcoming infidelity in three clear steps.

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

Having some problems? Don't know what to do? Feeling desperate?

It's really easy for you to get your own online counsellor...

... BetterHelp will find the right counsellor for you.

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  • If you can afford it - give yourself a chance to deal with stuff once and for all and carry on beyond the week. You won't believe what a breath of fresh air it is to have someone on and by your side.
  • Fill in the online questionnaire to help match you with the right counsellor (yes, I know - you may find it little tedious, but it's really important!)

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Elly Prior

It's me - Elly Prior, I'm the Founder and Author of this site. I'm a 'real' person! I'm hoping to make a positive difference, small or large, to every person who visits my site.

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