How to save a marriage

If you've landed here on this page about how to save a marriage before reading Part 1, then do make sure you read that first. My article was just too long to fit everything on one page!

A couple sit opposite each-other across a table, their hands on top of one anothers in the centre

Be 'physical'

Touch your partner often in a non-sexual way:

  • hold hands
  • touch his/her feet - 'secretly' under the table
  • offer a foot massage or a shoulder massage
  • stroke your partner's neck in passing
  • gently and lovingly squeeze their arm unexpectedly
  • simply put your hand over his/hers
  • briefly put your arm around him/her

Particularly if you're having marital problems right now, having sex isn't going to bail you out. If you really want to save your marriage, you may have to state clearly (if necessary!) that your touching is to pay attention and compliment - not an invitation to have sex.

If sex has been off the menu for too long, head over to my page on being in a Sexless Marriage.

Be actively involved in your partner's hobbies or interests

Take an interest in the things your partner enjoys:

  • read some articles in his/her hobby magazines - give yourself enough information so that you can ask genuine questions. (You'll benefit from expanding your horizons anyway, even if you wouldn't normally be interested in the subject)
  • ask questions about aspects of that hobby - imagine you're going to have to tell someone else about it so you'll need to become well-informed
  • ask if you can come along to an event (but don't turn up out of the blue) offer help with an aspect of your partner's hobby

If you do this right, it's a sure-fire way to really make your partner glow and feel kindly inclined towards you. Showing a true interest in your other half is one of the best tips if you want to know how to save a marriage.

Want to know how to save a marriage?  Be civil!

Ideally you should naturally want to be civil anyway, even if you're not looking for ways to save your marriage.

It's so easy to treat your partner with respect, but when you're having marital problems, common courtesy often goes out of the window.

Don't wait for your spouse to lead or return the favour though.  Make the decision to do it and commit to it - it will lift your self-esteem as a bonus.

10 Tips for being civil and courteous in your relationship

  1. Look at your partner when he or she talks to you - remember those early days?
  2. Be considerate about when you choose to talk about something important
  3. Be courteous and kind
  4. Don't interrupt
  5. If you wouldn't use 'that language' with your boss, your neighbour or your in-laws, then don't use it with your partner either!
  6. Treat your marriage or relationship with the utmost care
  7. Don't be a doormat - it sets your partner up to be dominant and creates an imbalance that will negatively affect the both of you
  8. Don't be a bully - it sets your partner up to be a victim, which isn't good for her or him, or for you either
  9. Don't shout at each other - you may feel better in the short-term, but it terrifies your children and doesn't achieve anything in the long-term
  10. Don't be needy or selfish in the way you communicate

Are you in an abusive relationship?

Note: I don't mean you have to fall over backwards to be overly nice in the face of any abuse though. If you're in an abusive relationship (i.e. your problems involve emotional, physical and/or sexual abuse) you need help to make some other decisions.

The Human Givens and saving your marriage

We all have important emotional needs that are essential to our overall well-being. You'll find the links to my pages on the Human Givens further down.

We also have the resources to meet our needs. Any behaviour (using our innate resources) can be seen as an attempt to meet those needs.

The question is: how do you contribute to - or detract from - helping your partner to meet their needs?  If you can see what's happening in your relationship or marriage in the context of the 'human givens', you have a road map to help you save a marriage or relationship.

However, if you're searching for how to save your marriage, I'd really like you to look at some additional resources now to help you on your way. Saving your marriage is important enough to warrant reaching for every available resource and tool - much cheaper than divorce!  Start by heading over to Part 3 of this article for my review of one of the most effectives systems of getting the two of you working together again: Save The Marriage.

Also think about hypnosis to help you get started. Have a look at my Hypnosis Online FAQ for the low-down on this powerful and cost-effective way to start solving your problems right now.

You can also speak to an online relationship expert right now. I know it may feel scary to do so, but I promise you, it's so worth it.

Related Articles

What Are the Human Givens?
Human Givens Therapy
The Secrets to a Happy Relationship
Money and Your Relationship
How to Apologise
Before You Consider Divorce
Surviving Infidelity
How to 'Make' Your Partner Fall in Love with You Again

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Elly Prior

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