How to end a long term relationship
or marriage

It is difficult to know how to end a long term relationship or marriage on good, or at least 'manageable' terms.  It may include not only having to separate from your partner/spouse, but also having to seek a divorce.  It is far more difficult than ending a short-term relationship.

First of all of course you really need to be absolutely sure that you want an end.  If by any chance you don't know what to do for the best, then this end relationship quiz can help you make that difficult decision.

If you have landed here because you are worried that your partner or spouse may be wanting to end your relationship or marriage, then you need to be prepared.  Visit my page: How to get your ex back, so that you won't scupper your chances of winning him/her back.  Other than that - have you really done all you can to save your relationship/marriage?

About breaking up ...

Having realistic expectations is important - thinking that you can end a long-term relationship without your partner getting too upset or even be upset yourself is a fantasy.

I can understand that it is much more comfortable to pretend it is going to be okay, because you may just find it excruciating to think of/see him or her so upset, particularly if you feel that you are the cause of it.  However, I know that you can manage it, if you prepare yourself well before the start of the emotional roller coaster.

The process of ending a long term relationship is likely to take longer.  There are identifiable stages: from telling your partner - through to the various stages of the legal divorce, the final division of property and moving house if you are living together.

If your partner is breaking up with you - you need very different help.  Hop over to my page: Getting over a relationship or How to get over someone.

Not just separation but also divorce?

If your marital problems are leading to divorce, you may also be interested in my pages on divorce.  They also have lots of useful information if you want to know how to end a long term relationship.

Divorce tips
Divorce advice for men - also useful for ending long term relationships
Divorce advice and counselling - helpful information at end of any relationship

How to end a long term relationship

Minimising heartbreak and conflict

The first step is accepting that it may take more time and energy to do a 'good' ending than perhaps you had hoped.  So, if you are at all unsure, your partner has left or is about to leave, as mentioned before - don't waste any time and visit my page: How to get your ex back, so that you won't inadvertently make the mistake of pushing your partner further away.

The second step is to approach each stage with the right mind-set: this means that come what may - you are mentally prepared to stay calm and polite and do what you would have wanted for yourself - however difficult your partner may make it for you.

Believe me, if you need to engage a solicitor - this second step is going to help keep your cost down.  You won't be creating another layer of conflict on top of the one you are already dealing with. (If you do need a lawyer by any chance, do look at my page: How to find a lawyer)

Even if, for whatever reason, the breakup is unlikely to be amicable, you may just manage a reasonable breakup.  You will feel better for it and it may help your partner to get over the ending sooner (I hope that still matters to you, if only a little).  If you have children - the whole drama will be so much more manageable for them, if the two of you can, at the very least, talk politely. (See also: Children in the middle)

Do all you can to stay as calm as possible.  Stay in touch with family and friend and take time out to relax.

How are you feeling?

Even if you are the one instigating the ending of your long term relationship, I won't be surprised if you feel sad, disappointed and lonely, as well as angry and perhaps suffering sleepless nights.  Of course, what you are going through does depend to some extend on why you married or stayed with this partner in the first place.

Assuming that the two of you were together out of true love, you may find that the whole split is going to be more painful than you had anticipated.  You may have already experienced that or it may happen later, when it is over and all the 'practical' stuff has been dealt with.

If the split/divorce is what you wanted, it may be a relief when you have finally done it.  However, you may have been so focused on all the trouble and the actual separation/divorce that the meaning of the end has barely registered.  No surprise then if it 'hits' you a little later.

The hypnosis download: Ending a relationship can really help, so can the wonderful natural remedy Melancholy Lift, which temporarily relieves feelings of melancholy; sadness; grief and weepiness.

6 Strategies that prolong the agony

Here is what you need to keep in mind when you want to know how to end a long term relationship or marriage.  You can really make a very difficult situation even more unmanageable by doing any of the following:

1. putting the ending off when you really know you want to leave - it just isn't going to be any easier a month or a year later.  It is unlikely that there is going to be a 'good' time for this type of ending.  Of course, there could be a really bad time - for example in the middle of a major crisis.

   Try to calmly think through why exactly you have been putting it off and take a problem-solving approach to each reason or 'excuse' you come up with.  My page on problem solving strategies may help.

2. deliberately making life as miserable and difficult as possible in the hope that your partner/spouse says he/she no longer loves you and wants an end to the relationship/marriage.

   This would only add another layer of problems and stress on top of what you are dealing with already.  Ending a long term relationship this way would leave you both with a very bitter taste in your mouth.

3. Using your children (if you or your partner have children) as pawns. Children caught in the middle of two unhappy parents are set up to make unhappy relationships themselves.

4. starting an affair - you have no idea of the pain it causes (or maybe you do and don't care, which of course I hope not).  Again it adds more problems and distress.  Ultimately your adultery could cause a great deal of trauma to all involved, not just your spouse or partner.  If you want to know how to end a long term relationship as well as you can, than you will need to end the affair - at least until you have dealt with the ending of your marriage/relationship
   
   If you are caught up in an affair, you may find the information on my page on Surviving infidelity helpful.

5. avoiding any conversation about the problems in your relationship/marriage may result in your partner making assumptions.  He/she will be desperately trying to figure out what is going on.  You could be suspected of having an affair, even if there is no infidelity.

   Of course, if you are having an affair, I can understand you won't want to talk.  However, you are only prolonging the agony if deep down you know you want to finish your primary relationship.

6. packing your bags and disappearing - no further explanation needed here.
   

You may also be interested in:
Relationship communication Relationship problem advice Marriage counseling Divorce advice and counselling

Images courtesy of: 1 Linden Laserna; 2 Lotus Head; 3 Billy Alexander; 4 Mohammed Odeh

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